Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Well, I think things have settled witj little miss and her dad...i hope.

I love M dearly but I'm rolling my eyes. Just told him I may be home for 6 weeks. It looks like our office may have to close. I don't know if I'll be paid or not. He didn't ask if I'm ok, will I be ok financially. All he said was "really???" Oh well. I'll be ok. I was doing so m as my extra hours previously. We are in lockdown so can't go anywhere. We'll be ok 🤞

[smallwolf]

Hi. Seems like a turbulent times for you at the moment. Do you and M normally talk finances? In my family it was something that was not really talked about. I am sure the new measures are concerning for many people. Perhaps a little bit of shock in his response? Of course I am just guessing.

How are you passing the time?

Comforting thoughts to you.

[CMF]

Hi SW,

I do think there was shock in his response. We don't talk finances in great detail, however regardless I think it would be nice to ask if I'd be ok. Having said that we just spoke, he has had meeting after meeting with work and he did ask if we may get job keeper. Our company was ineligible last time. I'm yet to hear from work as to what's happening, no doubt they are still working it all out.

I'm keeping busy painting old pots to revamp them and reporting plants. Also changed some picture frames around the house. Really want to go to Bunnings to pick up some things for projects around the house but feel guilty doing so.

Maybe tomorrow.

Cmf x

[smallwolf]

This first bit might be really stupid but... when M calls you, do they ask how you are? And if so, what sort of answer do you give them?

For me, there are a few people I can be totally honest with and of those few people some will get the complete story and others ??? My wife drifts between both sets as there are many times I don't really want to talk about it. Or we (wife and I) get into a routine where that question does not come up!

If you were not asked the question there are ways the bring up the topic for conversation. Mum and Dad have a set time of day where they just speak to each other. I assume openly. It was something Dad brought up at time time while seeing a psychologist. It was a way for him to perhaps get certain thoughts out of his mind.

The place where my wife worked/works had issues initially getting Jobkeeper. So I sort of know (very vague) of the difficulties. So fingers crossed it all works out for you.

What are some of the projects you want to do around the house? And perhaps elaborate a little on the feeling guilty part?

[CMF]

Hi again,

Yes he does ask and, like yourself, my answer depends if I feel like talking. I still haven't heard anything about work, no news is good news? I know talks are still happening.

Projects around the house:
Continue cleaning out cupboards
Work on the garden
Continue painting outside
Clean out shed
Weather seals as it's a cold week, that's the 1st one.

I feel guilty going to Bunnings as we are stage 4 lockdown but I did make a quick trip for the weather seals. After tomorrow it's a no go for 6 Weeks 😔.
I'm in good spirits. Bumped into friends getting takeaway coffee today, that was nice. Whatever happens happens. It's out of my control. I'm sure the Universe will guide me to whatever is meant to be.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF just wishing you best for the lockdown. Looks like you have lots of tasks to do.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky and thank you,

Had good news. Whilst our office is closed we will continue to be paid. So generous, I'm overwhelmed.

How are you my friend?

Cmf x

[CMF]

Despite my fortunate news I'm sad. I'm sad I won't be able to go to work. Sad for all the businesses that must close. Sad for all those that may not reopen. Sad for those that will not have jobs to return to. Sad for yr 12 students who will not get to return to school to finish their year. Sad for those who started school/uni this year and have missed out on the experience.

I'm grateful, so grateful for all I have, but I feel sad.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

Yeah it is sad , really sad for everyone and particularly those you mention. l've had my little business 30yrs with a few brakes in between and l know all about what it takes and the fine line it can be, so l have especially so much sympathy for businesses right now because l know many just won't be able to survive this. And businesses are so crucial to country , to people, to making jobs for other people , there's so much. They've brave people that have the guts to go out on a very big limb , and they just don't deserve all this neither do the good people they have working for them. lt's all just sad.

And the students , yeah , poor things. like they already feel so many pressures 11 and 12 but this yr , my God. l wonder if they're still finishing at home , really they probably could if the schools can do it. luckily for my daughter she finished 12 last yr, couldn't imagine if she had to cope with all this too. this yr she got into 2 uni courses , dumped one then started a new one for 3 days and covid came, luckily she decided she didn't want to do either in the end anyway. l hope all those that did though have been able to continue it from home. my daughters second one did go online but it was all a real mess, they were early days though hopefully the unis have got it all working now. But yeah , it's really sad for them , it's such a new big thing for so many them and the next faze of their new lives, such a shame.

rx

[CMF]

So M has been coming to mine on Sunday's. We go for a walk buy lunch, walk back and then I watch tv/movie. This morning I was thinking how it's been. No interruptions from his sis, time alone. Today all I heard about was his sis, her new car, new guy, the movies they've watched, her amazing photographic memory. I started to switch off. Thank goodness it stopped after lunch. I'm interested in the guy she's met, I'm happy but I got sick of hearing one thing after another.

Funny how things happen 😊