Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

...and the adventure continues. My son was informed today he has been in contact with someone who tested positive. I had to leave work, pick up the kids and we all got tested.

Now we sit and wait...

[CMF]

So we all tested negative. Hopefully it stays that way 🙏

[CMF]

had enough. Can't do this anymore.

[monkey_magic]

Hi CMF,

What is it that you can't do anymore, if, you feel like sharing?

I'm embracing change in my life currently.

There are things that aren't currently serving me.

Time for change.

[Sophie_M]

Hey CMF,

It sounds like things are feeling really overwhelming right now, and we are sorry that you're in such a tough space. We hope that you can find some comfort here in the forums, and we are also getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you. Please know that you are not alone here and support is always available to you.

If you would like to speak with someone about these feelings, we'd encourage you to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service. The friendly counsellors are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
 
In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline on (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are available 24/7 during your most overwhelming moments.
 
If you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

We're all here for you CMF.

[CMF]

Hi my friends.

It has been a challenging week. After we all tested negative for covid my teenage daughter came down with a sore throat and runny nose. I had to pick her up from school and have her re tested. This meant i could not go to work again today as we didn't have her results. Her results came thru but they had already organised a cover so i stayed home. Yesterday i wrote in my gratitude diary that i was grateful for my bank balance and money flow. I finally feel i have some good savings. This morning my heating tripped the safety switch so i cannot use it. So there goes my bank balance, although i am glad i have the money to repair/get new heating if needed. It was a gorgeous day today, sun shining, warm. I cleaned up the back yard, painted some pots to freshen them up and re potted some plants. It was perfect. I then saw and email from work but i was meant to get another which i didn;t. Basically they are giving us half a afternoon off (not sure how long for). This is amazing, however my colleague will be having Friday arvo off. The level crossings are being removed in my area and my office manager said i could finish work at 5pm as there will be road closures and delays for me getting back to pick up little miss. This week i was planning to have little miss attend school Thur and Fri as my son has uni, however if my colleague leaves at 2pm I need to lock up at 5.30pm. I can leave little miss with my son just on Friday and she can attend the school on Thursday (my afternoon off day) however if schools go back in 3 weeks the Friday will be an issue. The way things are going here in Melb schools may not go back yet and because i didn't get the 2nd email i don't know how long this afternoon off thing goes for so I am stressed. everything is up in the air. So we have this great offer at work but it may causes issues for me. I'm sure we will sort something out but i feel like everything is such hard work, especially as i have had to take days off due to the covid tests, now this afternoon off thing and no heating.

Feel like everything is on top of me.

[CMF]

Forgot to mention, cos I didn't get the 2nd email, the 1st email sounded like our hours were being cut. Not something I want to hear when I have no heating. Also I messaged M as his friend installs split systems. I didnt call as I know he has meetings after work and he has an essay to complete but I thought he'd call me about the heating and he didn't. He may be under press, I don't u

[CMF]

He may be under pressure, I don't know, but if I knew my partner had no heating and was asking about my friend who can fix or replace it, I'd call them. If hate the thought of my partner sitting in a cold house. I'd at least ask if they have a small heater,but I got nothing. If I find out he went out cycling I'll be peeved. I do think he may just be really busy but still, he could spare 5 mins for a phone call?

[CMF]

I was in such a happy place today, now I hate the world.

[CMF]

M didn't realise I couldn't use the heating at all.

But I'm just done with some people. I'm done with little miss dad who pretty much said if she doesn't want to go with him he won't force her, just cos she didn't want to play tennis. She says some things are too hard,he pushes her as if she is gonna be a tennis star. He doesn't spend time with her cos he wants to, seems he does it cos he wants her to be what he wants. I'm so upset. Maybe I'll yell him not to bother. He is a control freak and causes issues everywhere. He w wants to give up on her just cos she didn't want to play tennis. Claims he has no time to himself cos he picks her up for tennis but she's not interested. He s deluded, a sook cos he can't make her do what he wants just cos he couldn't be a tennis star.

Maybe I'll tell him not to bother. She doesn't need him.