Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hey rx,

How are you doing? The talk went well I believe. She agreed her bf would not be a good partner or parent. M suggested she try and live with him for a month and she said she couldn't live in his house. No matter who's house he would be the same. M is going to check in with her and I think just tell her she needs to end it. It seems that M has had enough of It. Enough of the bf dropping in for a feed whenever her wants, not interested in anything his sis does, only interested in his mates. He has too many issues he says he needs to deal with before he can make a commitment...11 years of this. Anyway, she agreed to all M said and said she pictured herself with someone else. Told M I'm so proud of him, it was completely out of his comfort zone to have that chat.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Today was tough. I'm so tired, not a good night's sleep as cats are making alot of noise outside my window every night. I woke with neck/shoulder pain and got up to put something on it. Work is so busy and we keep getting more and more to do. It's a good thing as it keeps us busy however there is only so much we can do in a day. All our staff are working from home and we are doing everything for them. It is becoming very demanding. Our office is large and everything is at the other end of the office, more and more is being put on us to do, procedures keep changing, things are going missing. There are 4 of us at reception, 2 on each day and so double handling is happening . It drove me crazy today. Usually i am on top of things but today the smallest things took forever as i kept getting interrupted. My colleague dealt with emails but i didn't know what had and hadn't been done and had to go through each email. It was so time consuming then she is pressuring me to start other tasks. i just wanted to say stop! Stop committing to more and more tasks, stop pressuring me to do something when i am completing something else. Stop heaping things on me to do all at once.

I'm so tired and finding it hard to be positive even though I know how lucky i am to be working and busy.

[monkey_magic]

Hi CMF,

You are grateful for your job which is really positive. Loading on you with more and more things to do is a bit unfair. You are one person afterall. You can only get them done at your own pace which you are probably doing.
My job is fairly easy but I'm currently not working on Jobkeeper and staying at home is getting a bit tedious.

The boyfriend doesn't sound very good. She should just get rid of him. Up to her obviously.

Life is sounding quite good except for the cats and pain the other night.

You're still employed, still have the man and sounding quite resilient.

MMx

[CMF]

Thx MM,
Yes i am very lucky. Very flat atm. So his sis turned 40 few months ago and ticking over off her bucket list. Sports model/body building, bought a Tiffany necklace, a Cartier ring and now looking at a new car. Alfa Romeo, about $130,000 , fastest SUV in the world, lots of bells and whistles. M loves Alfa's and is very impressed with it. I don't care and don't see the need for it he d idea who boost. My brothers wife is selling her little Yaris and I have been thinking of downsizing my car. I saw many on the road yesterday and 2 across the road from M's house when I got there. I mentioned it to him, his response 'Yaris is rubbish, get an Alfa...' then onto what his sis is getting. He showed me the book, he test drove it with her wow it's amazing. Told him I know, saw it all on FB. Any way, right in that moment I wanted to walk out. I know he didn't mean it but to brush off my mild excitement and go on about his sis' car hurt me. I'm not materialistic, she can buy whatever she wants but I find it extreme , he s knows I'm not like that. There was mention how good her car will look in his driveway cos she lives there. I wanted to talk to him about the Yaris get his opinion guess I got it, but I didn't expect it like that. Guess I'm just not exciting enough. I actually don't want to see him today. I'm not into material things, expensive things, fancy cars. I'm not gonna change. He knows that, he loves me for it, but of course his sis' stuff takes over.

[CMF]

well that was a depressing Sunday. Was meant t go to M's at 11.30am but told him if he starts talking about that care again i'm going home. He was shocked, asked if i got out of the wrong side of bed and told him no,was upset the minute i walked into his house yesterday. He said he'd come to mine so i wouldn't have to hear about the car. He came over, i told him what upset me. He thought the idea of the yaris was done and dusted but i pointed out i had brought it up a few times but he was too wrapped up in his sis' car. Anyway he had a look at the car online (a new on) together and we chatted about it a little. We went out for lunch, had a nice chat about his next uni assignment,but i was so flat. On the way home he asked if i thought i was different around him when i had little miss with me. the answer is yes and we talked about why. I know it's because of what she tell her dad, M said he understands it but prefers me not to be like that, which i understand. He thinks it is confusing for little miss and said it is like there are 2 of me. I feel a little upset but also proud of him for bringing it up cos he has admitted he lets things go and hope they sort themselves out, he is no one to speak up. I did however point out that it probably is confusing for her. We go there and she sees m, his sis and boys. She sees a family unit. She's never asked who the boys' mum is. On my bday he comes over with his sis. I pointed out the whole setup is confusing as I too find it hard to find my place at times. i'm like a guest. They live together, cook together, watch shows together. I pointed out that he would prefer i was different when i have little miss around him but i would prefer hos set up to be different too but it isn't. I'm not going to feel fully in a relationship with him till the situation changes. He then wondered if things would have been different if he sold the house. Told him yes, very different. I wouldn't feel like a guest when i go there. I could go over and we could cook together, make pancakes on a Sunday like we used to and i could clean up while he showers. There wouldn't be another woman dong it.He said they don't do pancakes anymore cos i don't eat them, told him i stopped going for pancakes cos i felt like a guest. I told him he would probably pop over and see me more often cos he would be sitting alone at home, he would tell me about his day more and i wouldn't hear "did m tell you..."Told him things would be different, we would be different

[CMF]

Can't stop crying

[quirkywords]

CMF why cant you stop crying.?

Are you thinking of what might have been? Is that why you are crying.

I get the impression from your blog about M is that you really like it when things go well but feel like a guest the third leg at times. Having bad times the good times can be exhausting and tiring.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I had a bit of a meltdown. I was quite anxious today too. M is wonderful. Everything I could ever want. It's situations thst set me off and all of them are to do with his sis, even though she treats me like family and is very generous and loving toward me. Little miss was at her dad's today & teenage daughter at M's hanging out with his boys.M rang as I was leaving work and asked me to join them for dinner. It was just M & I and the three kids. His sis was working late. It was perfect. It was a glimpse of how I hope our future looks. Us and the kids. I'm sure his plan was to make me feel at home there ad his sis wasn't around, especially after yesterday's chat when I said it would be different if they didn't live together. It was so nice and relaxing. I even helped with the dishes so didn't feel like a "guest". We are both honest about feelings and he too spoke up yesterday about something he'd prefer instead of brushing it aside. A lot of positives I can see.

Cmf x

[CMF]

today i had a small surgery to remove pre cancerous cells. It was yuk. It was under local anaesthetic , my blood pressure rose dramatically so they had to change to a different local at the minute, one that did not have Adrenalin. I get results in 4 weeks and hope i do not require anything further. I have some discomfort and pain, I'm so tired. M dropped me off, i had to be temperature tested, wear a mask. I t was eerie, so hard to breathe with the mask. i was dizzy afterwards, luckily M picked me up and stayed with me all afternoon. It was so unpleasant.

M's sister ended it with her bf. Realised she deserved better, with the help of m talking to her. It's a good thing and in fact, I think I will feel less frustrated when she is around as i have realised part of my frustration was that she had a bf, yet she was never with him. I always felt she should be our with him, not hanging around us. Now that he is gone i can understand if she is hanging around. It also means she has the opportunity to meet someone who treats her better and will take here out. If and when it does happen she may even spends time at his house, giving m and i alone time. i know it will not be straight away but in time...hopefully.

I'm very tired.

cmf x

[CMF]

I woke feeling weird, then remembered that today face masks are mandatory. It makes me anxious, makes it even more real. I already feel like I can't breathe properly .