Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

hey,

so,i seem to have crashed a little. Last Friday week was my 50th bday. I wish i could have that day again. It was perfect. Great day at work, flowers from M and the company, great day with my colleague, another colleague and a client singing happy bday to me at reception, a gift from our boss for myself and my colleague who was 50 a few weeks ago, family get together in the evening, beautiful gifts. I felt the love so much. 50 - bring it on I said. This week i started to crash. Internet and email at work down for 3 days, very very bus=y at work, a colleague hanging around reception and sort answering my phone and doing stuff even though i was sitting right there so that really annoyed me. argument with 16 yo daughter Friday night, little miss with a runny nose. Triggered by something on tv. I feel overwhelmed, thinking 'what ifs'. I feel like crying, a little anxious. I am crying. Too much on my mind but i think I'm hormonal. Not sleeping well, sore shoulder and neck again. M and I had a beautiful lunch at a winery today. I could see and feel the love from M so much. I know he adores me. I got to his house early, when his sis saw me she was so happy and we chatted for a bit. i could see she wanted to chat, it was girl stuff, jewellery. She was going out with a friend to visit another friend in their new house. When she had to leave she apologised to me for having to leave. It made me realise how my thoughts can be irrational. she sees me as part of the family, is always welcoming and loving. i do think my feelings are justified at times but she does not intentionally set out to upset me. she is just be herself around her brother, unfortunately when i haven't had much quality time with him i find it intrusive but i know she does not do it deliberately. It's just her being herself :-). She couldn't wait to see me open my bday gifts. M bought me a gorgeous bag and wallet and she a smaller evening bag. At one point i thought she may have chosen the gift M gave me and i jokingly asked him during a conversation but he told me he chose it, she only suggested the store. He chose the bag and the colour. I get alot of looks with it too lol. Do I deserve to be so spoilt? My brother and his family in QLD sent me some earrings.They were lovely, but not quite my style. It included an exchange receipt and i felt so bad but i did exchange them, despite telling then they were gorgeous. My sis in law said 'we thought you'd like them' I feel bad, like a liar 😞

[quirkywords]

CMF

Happy 50th birthday. Glad you had a nice day.

Sorry you are feeling down now. I hope you feel better soon.

It sounds like M's sister does include you in the family but maybe she comes across a bit enthusiastic as she loves her brother so much.

I hope you can be kind to your self.

Quirky

[CMF]

Tired. Mixed emotions. M gave me a bag and wallet for my bday. They are gorgeous, expensive & very heavy. I have shoulder and neck pain daily for about 6 months now. He asked if I liked & had used the bag. Told him I love it and joked that it's heavy. He offered to exchange but I said no as it's gorgeous. I did mention though that I'm not sure about the wallet as it's heavy and quite big. He shrugged it off, told me to keep it for when I need a new one. Today I went there for a coffee. I took my keys, phone & wallet (not the new one). He commented as I left that I didn't have my bag, looked it's so heavy. He l laughed and said toughen up (or something). He looked at my wallet and noticed it's my old one. Told him again the one he have me is quite big and heavy. He said next time he's giving me money. Too hard to buy for women who have everything. He yelled it out to his sis too, money for me from now on.i felt a bit hurt. I gave him an engraved phone/watch stand and it's not on his bedside table anymore. Also whilst there was chatting to his sis about her work etc. As soon as M joined us she started talking about the car she wants to buy. They've been talking all week about it as she brought 1 home to test drive but again today it was those 2 talking about her stuff. I was involved but don't know why she started talking to him about it when I was there. Is it a subconscious thing to have his attention when I'm there? It was clearly between them 2, this car they love that she wants to buy. I could see he was trying to include me,holding my hand etc but it was weird. If I wasn't there they would have had the same conversation I guess. Just find it weird that she'd have the discussion then when she could have it anytime. I'm not interested in those cars, so why do it?

[Guest_1584]

She's a strange one alright. A lot of the stuff she does seems unnatural , sort of uncalled for . But sometimes it sounds like it's just in more of a kind of trying a bit too hard kind of way .

[CMF]

On a positive, it didn't peeve me off like it used to. I didn't feel like I needed to get out.

Also, M got the results of his last uni essay. He did great and told me first thing this morning. Means I won't w all in and hear from his sis first. I guess our chats have sunk in . I can really see he is making an effort to change the things that were upsetting me. He really does love me and it shows in many ways. I too am trying not to let things get to me when and really all I am getting is lots of love from a beautiful blended family.

Cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Haven't spoken with you for so long CMF but well aware of the dilemma you've had (and been coping with admirably I must say, and with great patience that I doubt I would have been able to) with "the sister"...your last couple of posts reminded me of Princess Diana's famous reply in the legendary TV interview about her husband Charles' relationship with Camilla.."well, there were 3 of us in this marriage...so it was a bit crowded"......

[CMF]

My dear friend Moon ( yes, you are my friend),

I think of you often and am aware of what you have been through recently. I apologise for not posting. I have no words, i cannot imagine...

My 'dilemma' will sort itself out. Most of it is my reaction i think. I'm giving power to it by allowing it to affect me. Yes, it feels like 3 of us in the relationship but i am learning that she is very much about wanting people to know what she does, where shes been, what she is doing. She is not a bad person. M and i had a long chat yesterday about her non relationship with her partner and he is talking to her about it tonight. She deserves better and i think that m is ow seeing how crazy their situation is. Her bf only goes there for a meal and gives nothing to the relationship or her. Now that she lives there M is seeing it. He told me he never realised in the past and just thought she was ok with it but he now sees her bf is not good for her. I pointed out that by not saying anything he is doing her an injustice. He told me he is proud of me for speaking up about the things that upset me and said he is more the type that will do/say nothing and hope that it will sort itself out. He said he has sensed when something is not quote right or can pick up when a situation isn't right but he lets it go hoping it will sort itself out. I think he is becoming more aware of things now. I'm really proud of him for talking to his sis tonight as i know ow uncomfortable he was about it. He says I am his...something...can't remember but something like his guidance/voice of reason as I see things and speak up in and help him see things in a different light.

It will get there. I will continue to speak up if i feel it necessary and he is open to what i have to say.\

love ya

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Lovely to hear from you and it sounds very positive, the changes in your guy's reactions....you've been together quite a while now haven't you...and even in the months (?) since we spoke...I can see a change and positive growth in you and the way you are handling things....just by what you write I think you've come a long way from the beginning of the relationship...good for you!! I think you got this!

It's wonderful when a guy really "gets you",knows what makes you laugh, what makes you angry, what makes you sad.....I found that too in the man I lost just last month.......at least I had it. I know I was loved...that he knew me...and loved me anyway... Maybe that's something not every woman can say.... enjoy every moment......luv ya too. x

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

I wish i could hug you. Thank you for your positive words. Yes, i have grown, i am trying my best to look at things differently and acknowledge my feeling without reacting or letting them take over.

I am happy that you experienced that love. I hope it brings you comfort knowing that you were loved for who you are. You are right, not every woman can say that. We are blessed.

That love is still with you Moon.

gentle hugs

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm .

Yeah funny but l really didn't think it would get through to him so soon tbh if at all . But your gentle patient approach is working and l think he's finally putting two and two together ,

Nice goin cm , take a bow eh. PS , how did the talk with sis go anyway .

rx