Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Yep great stuff cm , keep on trackin.

[CMF]

M and I have a bet going. After chatting earlier , where the subject of his sis and her bf came up I bet him that in 5 years we will be on in this same situation. He get me that we'll be living together. Hahaha, now to decide on a prize for the winner.

Cmf 😊

[quirkywords]

CMF you would want to loose wouldn't you?

Is not that the point you want to be proved wrong.

[CMF]

Hahaha, yes Quirky.

As he pointed out, even if i lose, i win. He needs to prove me wrong and he is a little comptetive lol.

I guess it's my subtle way of making a point.

At least it has brought a little humour to the situation hehe.

[CMF]

I should mention how I raised the bet.
I mentioned if nothing changes with her situation, nothing will change with ours. M thinks she will break up with her bf in time and I said yes, and we will be still sitting in our separate homes chatting on the phone at night.he disagreed saying she would meet someone and move in with them. First I pointed out he can't assume she'll just meet someone and move in, he said why not as his friend did. It seemed to revolve around her meeting someone new (she couldn't live with current bf for many reasons). So from what M said, it seems that her moving out is dependent on her having a partner to move in with. If that doesn't happen, she has no reason to move out as she has her happy set up there. She is 40, been with her bf 11 years, never lived with him. I don't see her easily meeting a guy and living with him, therefore I don't see her moving out. It seems dependant on her meeting someone... hence the reason for the bet.

[CMF]

So. We have had the last 3 Sundays to ourselves. Wow, i actually feel like we are in a relationship...with each other lol. A couple of weeks ago little miss and i went over for fish n chips on a Friday night. I invited us as i thought, why not? As we were having dinner m, was talking to me and his sis just butted in and started talking about her thing. He looked over his shoulder then back at me and kept talking to me. when she realised he wasn't listening to her she juts said 'oh'. The she spoke about wanting to knock down their mum's house and build her dream home. m's son was mortified and his sis said 'well, I'm not going to live here forever'. It was a really nice night, we all chatted, his sis and i chatted while m and his son did the dishes. Yesterday m and i had the house to ourselves. His boys were away and i had mentioned that we may have the house ourselves and he said 'yes, if i can get rid of my sis'. I pointed out that it was the perfect opportunity to suggest she spend the day at her boyfriend's house. I would have been very annoyed if she was home with us but as it turned out she wrent for a drive with one of her friends. Another lovely Sunday. His sis got home around 4.30pm, just before i was ready to leave. I asked how her day was and she told us all about it. She then said 'did m tell you about...' Oh well, it will take time. I think he didn't mention it as he was very focused on us. I realised later that if m and i had been in the middle of a conversation it would have been the situation where she walks in and takes over. As i have had a few weeks of him to myself it didn't bother me. Clearly not having time to ourselves impacts on us, well more on me. the last few weekends have been nice and I've really appreciated them. It also makes me appreciate everyone else also, which i told him.

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Nice one cm , maybe in this case you really can lead a horse to drink, l thought he never would but he does finally seem to be grasping the situation. wow, sounds like some real progress.

rx

[CMF]

hehe, yeah, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves lol.

A few nights ago on he phone she was talking in the background. I didn't know if he was listening to me or to her as i continued to talk even though i could hear her talking. He asked me if i wanted her to make me a birthday cake. I said no i'd pick one up. He then proceeded to tell me about the great carrot cake she made, relaying everything she was saying that was in it and how great the icing was etc.. So again a 3 way conversation dominated by her.

Was a little frustrating. One day I will just say 'I better let you go, you sound busy' and hang up!

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am glad you had a few weekends with M.

i suppose sis will always be a part of Ms life. Are you ok with that?

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Thx for always challenging my thoughts with questions and giving me things to contemplate.

I guess I have to be ok with it. I need to also remember it is a sign that she is comfortable with me being part of the family. Also,it's up to him to try and change the things that annoy me, he needs to speak up. I can see the same pattern occurring and I think I'm ok with it cos I now recognise it.
It won't be forever, she said a few weeks ago that she can't live there forever. Time will tell. The challenge will be whether it's within 5 years hehehe 😁