Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Sorry to hear things havent been great. Hope it gets sorted soon. She is very welcoming and happy to have me part of the clan. M thinks it's just that 'we' are yall so comfortable around each other but as I pointed out, I'm not anymore. The longer it goes on, the more uncomfortable I am cos it doesn't change, as I keep saying. I associate going there with negative feelings now. Anyway, I'm sure he didn't miss me not going, after all, he has study to do and they can always get dinner and watch one of their shows together,or maybe a movie...uninterrupted.

[CMF]

Today was a lovely day. M asked me to go over, his sis was going to be out with his mum. I did some shopping first then popped over. His sis was still there and as he was in the shower his sis and I sat and chatted and I really enjoyed it. She is welcoming, supportive and always greats me with a warm smile. I need to work on my feelings. I am too sensitive to comments at times. M and i had the whole house to ourselves all afternoon, just what we needed. A lovely lunch, watched a movie and some quality time together. We both needed it.

I have been using an app to do meditation at night and sometimes in the morning. It's been a week and although i still wake at night, my neck pain has diminished significantly with the help also of the treatment his sis gave me.

Being able to have some alone time and reconnect with M today was just what i needed. We have a beautiful blended family and i am so lucky.

Thank you all for listening to my rants, my frustrations. I know we will get through. I am going to work on myself, meditate and practise gratitude.

I am a work in progress.

cmf x

[Jackson1994]

Hi CMF just flying by to let you know I hope you are travelling ok, things do seem a bit up and down for you, tough time at the moment but it’s good we can go out and do a few things now.

[CMF]

Hey Jackson,

Thanks so much for stopping by. Things are ok, I am just VERY up and down. Hopefully we will start to see some normality in the next few weeks, whatever normal is nowadays, although I am dreading the after work rush to pick up little miss. I've been enjoying some retail therapy, probably too much retail therapy, but some good ales on at he moment.

Hope you are doing ok.

cmf x

[Jackson1994]

We are doing ok, doing our best and trying to find the good in each day.

[CMF]

Yep, there is always something positive in each day. I'm starting my gratitude journal tonight. 3 things every day.

[Jackson1994]

I would like to hear them if you feel comfortable sharing, I’ll post mine on my own thread too.

[CMF]

Hi J

Sure. Saw yours, loved them. Slow cookers are great. Mine are;

Quality time with my partner

Quiet retail therapy

Lovely lunch and a great movie

There is a thread called 'three things to be thankful for ' if you feel like joining in.

Hope you have a great day x

[quirkywords]

CMF

so glad you had a lovely Sunday. I am glad you had an enjoyable chat with his sis and you recognised her qualities. Time with M was just what you needed. I like the way you are flexible and are grateful when things go well. When a day does not go well you can remember this Sunday and how you felt.

You reminded me to try a mediation app but I am techno challenged and have trouble with apps.
you also reminded me of a gratitude journal I started but then forget. I tend to be disorganised but maybe I should try harder.
Quirky

thanks fir the bouquet,so kind of you.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you. You could try harder, or you could just do what is within your capability at any given time. No pressure needed, write in your journal when you feel able and want to. When you have some quiet time look at the app or just Google meditation. Something will come up.

Take care

Cmf x