Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Also, I've noticed staff from other offices are really involved in connecting online. Example, one of the receptionists runs meditation on Monday. I've joined in, my colleagues have no interest. others are posting and liking/commenting on posts we have on Teams. Staff from my office not interested. Our boss is emailing, asking people to get involved but no one seems interested. When I do i picture my colleague insinuating I'm a brown nose. M has been dropped by a few times whilst cycling. It's nice that he does but we stand out the front and talk. I live accross from a park and I'm conscious of people looking at us as we are still under restrictions. He is allowed to come over but standing on the street talking draws attention. I've mentioned it but he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel they think they don't have to follow rules. I find thst frustrating. If everyone had that attitude everyone would be out. It's the principal, but they don't seem to care. It's a little arrogant I think.
I'm really tired.

[smallwolf]

I for one think it is good you are getting involved in work activities.

And nice for M to drop by.

And I know there will be an age difference, but my daughter does not being center of attention - even if it is perceived.

I dont know if I have mentioned this to you before...

I am a big fan of Brene Brown and in one of her talks she mentioned that on a small sheet of paper (and i mean small) she has the names of the people whose opinions matter. So if your name is not on that list then what you think does not matter.

I don't have a physical list per se, but this is combination with a bunch of other tools has helped me to block other people opinions about me.

Hope you are having a good weekend.

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

Thx for the tip. I'll give it a try.
Had a better day. Nice walk. Jobs around the house and sat outside most of the afternoon painting my pots. It's a new hobby I have. Called M, who is always happy and chatted for a while. Got some things off my chest re work. I asked how his sis new car is going and if she's been able to go out driving much. He said she loves it, goes out a lot and she gets lots of attention. The attention seeking really grates my nerves. Don't know why she needs so much attention.

Oh well. Wish I didn't ask lol.

Cmf x

[CMF]

I know I sound like a broken record. Had a lovely day with M but tired of hearing all the things he and his sis do together. He said he's looking forward to when we can go out to wineries again. Does that mean what we do is too boring? A Nice walk, lunch, enjoying a quiet afternoon at mine.

[smallwolf]

Just another random thought... and for the record you are not boring. One reason he might tell you is that is a way of including you in his family. I suspect you also want some sort of balance as well? My psych suggested to me recently about showing a video to my wife and then we chat about it - the video is about vulnerability by Brene Brown as a means to allow both of us to be more open with each other about our own pasts, concerns, etc. which can allow the relationship to deepen.

[CMF]

I'm just really down. Don't know why. I have anxiety and my head is all over the place. Sometimes his positivity annoys me, you can't just tell someone to 'snap out of it'. We've had different lives. I get tired, i get anxious, I feel down, i get teary. I'm on my own alot, I don;t want to hear about all the fun things he and his sis do. It's like we have nothing in common. We don't have s how we like to watch together cos we don;t like the same sort of shows. I didn't have my parents down the road to help with the kids, everything is on my shoulders. I don't have expensive taste, I like simple things. I don't like fancy cars that have a heap of features that will never be used and i don't need things that will get me alot of attention. He doesn't either but he seems impressed that his his sis does.

Anyway, I'm really tired and emotional. On the days I'm not 'working' i paint glass jars and make plant pots out of them. It's my new hobby. My dream is to have my own shop where i sell the things I make. It's been my dream for a while. I'm anxious about going back to work. I'm out of routine. The 5.30pm rush to pick up little miss. What if I've forgotten how to do things. I feel disconnected from everyone even though we connect on line each day. I'm confused, I don't know what i want. I just want to retreat from the world and not come out.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm. Don;t be too hard on yourself , it is hard when your different people and it is really bloody irritating when the other one almost admires things you just don't believe in or have.

l love retreating , l could do it forever , always bights me on the bum though especially with family and brings on anxiety when l do see them , and anxiety can make me do really ridiculous things , when normally l'd hold my own no problem.

Anyway , new day tomorrow , hope you feel better.

rx

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

every relationship has its issues or a person who gets in the way, often by doing nothing in particular. I know you talk to him about his sister, but I don’t think that will work. You need to stop drawing the focus back to her and keep it on the two of you. Your relationship with M seems to keep going in the same circular pattern. At some point you will need to ask yourself if that is how you want to live, no matter how much you love him.

I admire your ability to manage this I would go nuts I am sure.

but above all be kind to yourself and have faith

tess

[CMF]

Thank you my beautiful friends.
Tim, he may be trying to make me feel included but it actually makes me feel more excluded listening to what he does with someone else instead of me.

RX, you always get me and the way I think. You understand my frustration.

Tess, you're right. No one is doing anything bad or wrong and yes, I do need to stop drawing attention to it. It is the same circle. I'm so anxious about going there cos I'll have to face the two of them together again, playing happy families.

I'm struggling this week. Climbing the walls. Feel like I'm losing who I am cos every day is almost the same. I have much to be grateful for. I have a job, working from home, getting paid but I have no outlet. It's the same walls and people day in day out. I feel angry with the world, with everyone. I feel as though I have hate. My mind is in overdrive.

Cmf x

[smallwolf]

One of the problems I had when working from home recently was that it gave me time to ruminate on things, perhaps because there is nobody to talk to or distract you. Based on that I was able to go to the office to work - this was also around the time restrictions were being eased in Qld. So the sameness of your each day might be impacting on how see things with M.

So perhaps a movie night? Talk about the movie afterwards? And not what the family is doing.

My wife and I like different things. Our values are similar?

Perhaps he could paint pots with you.

Maybe do something you would not ordinarily do during lockdown. Not sure what that is just yet, but something for you to recharge?