Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Tim,

Appreciate your thoughts. I think being home is definitely starting to have an impact. Im6losing confidence and feeling insecure. M and I share the same values which is what keeps us strong. We can't do much at the moment as we can't go out unless it's shopping or exercise and no more than 5km from home. We can't be out after 9pm, can't visit anyone. Some restrictions should lift this Sunday. He wouldn't paint pots, I probably wouldn't want him to as im particular about them and it's my little thing. I guess it's been 8 weeks of exactly the same thing every day, every night. I'm really, really down.

[CMF]

The hard thing is that I know he doesn't get it. He s oblivious. Not criticising him, just how he is and he knows it and he tries to understand. His ex wife had 2 affairs that he knows of and cheated other times. She told him they were not connected emotionally. I'm not condoning what she did but I get it now. M and I connect in many many ways. We work in many many ways but I'm sitting here tonight alone. I've had a cry, I'm anxious and he has no idea. We spoke this arvo but tonight I'm sad and alone and wont ring him for a chat cos I don't know what to say cos he can't relate plus I know he'll be watching a show with his sis most likely and be concentrating on that while I talk. If I do tell him how I'm feeling his response is 'how are you gonna change it?' Cos he doesn't know what else to say and he's not comfortable with tears. Not his fault. He's wonderful, generous, loves me but I feel lacks depth. I often feel when we're talking hes doing something else. Well I know he is, fixing his bike, making coffee, listening to his sis. I shouldn't be sitting here alone crying. I should be able to call him and chat but I know he can't relate or know how to deal with it. I don't feel very close at the moment. He talks about us living together in the future but where's the depth? Can't keep saying ' come on. Why are you tired? What are you gonna do about it?' Yesterday I shared a vision I have. His response was not much, he didn't know what to say so I stopped talking about it as I felt he disapproves. I feel another chat is needed. I feel so disconnected, with him, with work, with my life.

[CMF]

Feeling bit better today after a teary morning. Poor M he does nothing wrong. He shows and tells me he loves me, he spoils me, he is always happy and positive,he wants to be with me. He is more pragmatic than i. The situation is what it is, we can;t change it at the moment but I know he wants to be with me and grow old together.

I can't ask for more. I don't know why I don't feel i can open up more to him. maybe cos we haven't had much alone time due to the restrictions in place here. i am still dreading going t his house though as it sort of rubs salt into the wound.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

I am sorry , but he does lots wrong. He does not get you he does not understand what upsets you and let’s you sit alone with that feeeling.

It is great to be close to a brother or sister, but this is madness

you are too good to put up with this

tess

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for that cm , appreciated.

And l know how it can feel just wishing they knew , so that they'd call , and talk , and just know , and wanna be there . But you gently come out about sis to him , and the whole situation , and you two talked a lot and he then kind of understood and even pretty well agreed and you guys even talked about a future later , no sis. You know , you guys really need more you time together . Waiting for yrs is too far away , couples need it even if they don't know it. And you guys can talk more you can talk more about these other things too and just be together. At least he's very opening to listening and doing what he can. l know there's kids involved but eh , they probably wouldn't mind the house to themselves for a few hours once or twice a wk , maybe you could add an evening or two to your Sundays together when things lift

Anyway , just thoughts , hope you get out of lock down soon and back to the office hopefully's not too far off either. We're pretty well free up here on the coast now , still asked to wear masks but apart from that but things are looking much better down there too so good luck with Sunday announcements eh, shouldn't be long now.

Chin up . rx . ps, the pots sound really cool , good for you.

[CMF]

Thanks guys.

I'm used to putting up with stuff. I was quite busy with work today and in our meeting found out that we may open in a couple of weeks. I felt my spirits lift. I thought I was anxious about returning but seems it's the opposite. Tonight M and I chatted and I told him it's been a rough week. Told him I've been anxious, teary, cried last night and this morning. He was shocked. He had no idea as I haven't told him I'd been crying. His sis yelled out hello in the background as she does and said she misses me. Said it's not fair M gets to see me and they don't. It was very nice of her, but the situation still makes me anxious and I can see I'll be speaking to him more about it. Try to make him understand how I've felt this week and how hard it was for me. He can't change it but again I'll point out no privacy. Even if I wanted to call him at night I know he's probably watching a show with his sis so how can we even talk. He can't wait for summer when I can go over for a swim. When hopefully we may go away again in January.

Yeah, maybe another chat coming up.

[CMF]

Had a lovely day with M today. Relaxing. He is so honest, nothing sneaky or deceptive at all. So transparent.

So I may be back at work this week. I'm so anxious. It will be great to be back into a routine but my anxiety is rising also.

I think I'm scared of things becoming 'normal' again.

[smallwolf]

Hi. What sort of things are you concerned with?

There is a sort of new normal today. Cleaning, logs, etc., in case they are needed. I am sure you will do fine. You will also be away from the house - a change of scenery. People maintain their distance. For me, going to work was a return to a space where it is easier to separate work and home.

And if things are troubling you you will post here and get the support here.

[CMF]

Thank you,

I'm not worried about cleaning or people etc. I'm anxious about the rush to get back to pick up little miss from after care. I'm nervous about getting ready in the mornings to leave on time. I've lost some confidence as though it will be my first day again. I think it is just the change on routine again. They are having meetings this evening so I'm assuming we are not back tomorrow but it's not to far away by the sound of things.

[CMF]

Normal routine will be good. I usually work 3 days however at home I log in everyday and do some work most days. My days off will be days off again and yes, the separation from work and home will be good. I can get dressed up again and feel nice. I wish I could get a haircut as I need one. May need to find a different way to style it.