Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I've realised being in lockdown has made me so intolerant of people. People who gossip about other's misfortunes, people who just can't follow the rules, people who don't listen. I'm so over it. My sis rang today supposedly to see how we are but quickly went into gossip about a relo going thru a difficult time. Asking questions that I don't have the answers to, nor is it my business. I have work colleagues doing the wrong thing, people not obeying lockdown rules and allowing someone at their house. I'm over it, frustrated. No wonder I feel like I don't want to see anyone. I'm almost hoping we can't have a large Xmas gathering so I don't have to see my family. I'm really irritated and peeved.

[quirkywords]

Happy month,CMF
where as this year gone.
I too find being tolerant on Intolerant people a challenge.

I suppose they may have their own problems but dragging others into petty gossip can be upsetting.

I feel many people are irritated peered and impatient these days. So when a stranger is patient and kind I find it a pleasant change.

I find being in a group of more than two quite different.

i hope things improve this month .

[CMF]

I need to rant, apologies in advance.

What a crappy day, mainly due to humans and the pain in my neck and shoulder that cause pins and needles down my arm. Anyway, I know M is very busy with uni this week and had a full day of online class plus finishing an assignment tonight. I messaged him late this arvo to say my day was crappy and he replied that he would come ride past around dinner time. i took it that he was wondering why my day was crappy. When he got here we chatted outside and i had a rant, starting with what happened yesterday with my sis. I didn't tell him last night as i knew he was working on his assignment all night. So i ranted to him, he listened but toward the end i could see him getting restless then he got on his bike and said bye, gotta go home for dinner (cooked by his sis) and work on his assignment. Wow, felt like he couldn't get away quick enough. I know he gets cold when he stops cycling as he cycles hard and it was quite fresh outside but he said nothing. He listened then said gotta go. Now I'm frustrated and upset. I don't have another adult to talk to at home like he does. I'm sure when he needs to rant he does so to his sis and vice versa. i have so much built up frustration caused by people although i ranted to him all remember is him getting restless and l=having to go. I would prefer if he didn't ride past if he cant spare an extra few minutes. God forbid the peking duck pancakes should get cold. I know I rant at times to him but i have no one else. I am alone every day (kids doing their own thing), no one to talk to, to vent to, to run things by, to make me a coffee, to watch tv with. I'm sick of it. If it were the other way around and i had to go while he was ranting i would give him some consolation least. I think I'll be saying something when i send my goodnight message and tell him not to cycle past if he's in a hurry. He of all people should understand as he needs to be around people all the time. i don't but it would be nice if he could just listen without his mind being elsewhere all the time.

[CMF]

My ex husband leaves for WA tomorrow on a special permit to see his partner. He hasn't seen her for about 6 months. He doesn't know when he'll be back, not till borders open at least. He won't see the kids indefinitely. I can't even get 15mins.

[CMF]

I've told M I'd like a day to myself this Sunday. He said of course, he'll work on his essays. Probably a good thing, no point sitting here with me when he's got other things to do.

[CMF]

Feel a bit sick. This is why his ex wife had those affairs. She said they weren't emotionally connected. I get it. He is supportive, caring, generous but he can't connect if you're an anxious or feeling down. He can't h handle tears, he admitted he sweeps things under the carpetSo what happens if we live together one day? Will I feel alone if I'm anxious or down? Supports is there but the understanding isn't. He's used to living w i th his sis now. Happy, a go better. I can be that to but I'm much quieter ,not an attention seeker. He doesn't li k e attention seeking but he loved her new body building thing and flashy car. Not sure if he's aware how much she puts on FB cos he'll often tell me things and I'll tell him I already know. He's oblivious. I would never do to him what his wife did but I can see why she did. She sought consolation elsewhere cos he he didn't pick up on her emotional needs, ignored the red flags which I picked up on straight away.

[Guest_1584]

lt's a really hard thing cm don't play down the hinkering inside about these things for you. For me understanding and a knowing is almost above it all . l'm very lucky in that department my gf has been through a lot and gets it all and she's just incredible with anything feelings and in our emotional life ups and downs , tiredness just life can leave you with she very much gets and has much empathy for as she is there herself mentally and has been so we have a real calm and mutual support in all that kind of thing. My alone time need on the other hand she has a zero connection of just can't even relate so it caused a lot of problems earlier but lately thank God she's finally getting that if l'm just left to it . l'll bounce back later and it isn't personal as you say.. Funny but she's starting to see the benefits anyway too lately and gets involved in something or other while l'm missing in action and when l pop up again later all is well in the world so we're finding our normal, but it was a very bumpy path to that for awhile there.

l saw his relief when he just took off on his bike later that time and yeah , figured . The fact he was hurt so badly without actually understanding the nitty gritties of why's unfortunately, not that that justifies what she did butttt, will just make him worse too l'm afraid. But yaknow , communication, we wouldn't be together now if we somehow didn't talk and on my side a few fights too , our way through it, unfortunately when l need it l'm done so if l'm pushed past that then l'm likely to crack, thankfully we smoothed things over though. So l mean it might be a bit of work and could get a bit bumpy but if you persist , just keep talking , explain things you do here to him , give him a wk to mull things over later whenever you do, you know you might find some middle ground and sometimes we can except in that department that's as good as it's gonna get and just enjoy the other good things.

Anyway , just thoughts. rx

[CMF]

Thx

I'm tired. Don't wanna talk anymore.

[Guest_1584]

Nothin wrong with being tired my friend, you have a nice resting wkend.

[CMF]

Well I feel awful and embarrassed. Just spoke with M who was so down. His uni work, on top of full time teaching is getting him down. It is full on and he is so drained. Said he didn't sleep well last 2 nights stressing over a presentation he had yesterday and couldn't even cycle well today. He said he's thinking of a career change after 30 years of teaching because he is tired, wants to come home and leave work behind so he is more present for me and his kids. Explains why he rushed off other night when I was ranting. He had to eat and work on his presentation. He has an essay to submit Monday and he's struggling to do it. I feel so awful and selfish. He never complains about anything so he must be feeling it to say something. I suggested he take long service next year and try something else which he s thinking about. I support any decision he makes as he does with me. Tomorrow I'm having a day to myself and works well as he has his essay to work on. He wouldn't have asked for the day to work on it. I told him I'm home if he wants to pop in for a cuppa. He was so down and out. I feel so bad for being selfish.