Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

you are selling your self short in this relationship. No matter hoe nice this man is, you are NOT the selfish one.

Tess

[CMF]

Hi Tess,

Thanks for your supportive words. Neither of us is selfish. We are both caring, loving, honest, generous. I let things get to me till I explode. He is much calmer, rarely stressed. He's always positive. I can be negative. We've had different lives. I've had more difficulties, less support. He's always had family and support.
I'm tired of lockdown, yet anxious about going back to work, but looking forward to dressing up a bit. I really want a haircut, usually makes me feel better. Everyday is the same. I have no break or outlet from the kids. I'm jealous that he does stuff with his sis, watch tv shows make coffee for each other, cook dinner in turns, dinner at his mum's every Tuesday, but our circumstances are what they are for now. I've been feeling crap a few weeks now cos I look crap. My hair is awful, not doing the exercises I was doing, not writing in my gratitude journal or meditating. Just sick of Covid and having no life.

[smallwolf]

when you said " Everyday is the same", my first thought was the movie "groundhog day". Sorry. I do understand what you mean though - it was the reason I went back to work a little earlier - there were no people around, a change of scenery and less chance of the mind wandering as when at home.

On the writing... one of my issues in that area has been doing things to the last minute and not finding any time available to do that - whether at work or home. I read somewhere to stop work 15min before EOD and plan for the next. Similar, have a set time to journal. And I will do that after I finish this post.

How old are your kids now? Can they help out in the kitchen?

Do you have other family to talk to? Where are they located?

Where are things at with Covid and movements?

How long is your hair? And compared with normal length?

Maybe not today... when the kids are asleep, put on your fav. movie, get comfy with some drink and watch it.

[CMF]

Hi Tim ,

Thank you. I usually journal at bedtime but haven't felt like it.

Older kids are 17 & 18 and I have to constantly push them to help out and that's just putting their dishes in the dishwasher. It's tiring.

Dont talk to my family much. Only my sis and sis in law but they are much older than me. They gossip, my sis says things without knowing all the facts and gives me anxiety. They're not close by.

Covid...no visitors indoors, can't travel more than 5kms. Everything pretty much closed.

Have short hair but it's grown out of shape and very thick. Has no style and looks yuk.

I've been binge watching shows I enjoy but always alone. That's why I feel down when I hear the things M does, only cos he can.

[CMF]

could be worse. My colleagues get their hair coloured by the hairdresser and get their blow waved every week. I noticed in our zoom meeting one always wears a cap and the other has flat hair that has alot of greys. She describes it as steel wool. I colour my own and don't get a weekly blow wave. i guess they may find it worse than I if we return to work before the salons open as they are used to having theirs coloured and styled professionally.

The paid in my shoulder has eased which helps, I'm still really tired. Forgot to put my mask on when i went for my walk today, lucky it was in my bag as i had gone several blocks.

I guess its good M was so tired last week. I know he was snowed under and under pressure but he has help around the house and I don't. At least now if he says anything when i am tired and he is full of energy, out cycling, i can remind him how it felt to be tired and that I didn't tell him to snap out of it. Remind him that i dont have dinner prepared any night of the week, at least he shares the load with his sis and goes to his mum's once a week.

Just looking for positives.

[smallwolf]

Don't read anything into what I am about to say. When you mentioned the ages of your kids, I was going ask whether they help you out around the house? But then I thought about my kids (18 and 20) and what they do for "me" that also seems like an absurd question.

What sort of show are you binge watching?

[CMF]

I watched Seinfeld , currently Grey's anatomy and s bit of Everybody Loves Raymond.

M suggested I walk to his on Sunday. It's a long walk but doable. I sort of said no as it's against lockdown rules. Can only visit intimate partner in no one else home ie no social gatherings indoors. I also just don't want to cos I always feel like the 3rd wheel. As much as his sis is welcoming and generous to me, I only see M once a week. It's not a sharing day. He then suggested we could meet in a park and have a picnic. Guess he's sick of just coming to mine. I'm sick of same thing to.

I changed hairdressers few months ago as mine chose to close during early Covid. The new one has now had to close down cos of Covid. I couldn't decide whether to go back to my old one or find a local one. I rang the old one and left a message re an appt ehen they can reopen. I also messaged a local one. The local replied. Hoping they can reopen on the 20th and booked me in. I hope they can reopen. I have this idea that other hairdressers charge a lot more than my old one but o was wrong. Some do, but this local one doesn't and will cut it dry which is my preference. Fingers crossed.

[CMF]

My negative mind kicking in. M has been calling during the day this week. I can't help thinking it's cos he's watching some great show with his sis in the evenings. He told me today he's made a decision re his career. He'll continue to teach and study next year and year after take lsl and look for something else. He's decided after 30 years he s not going to teach anymore as he isn't enjoying it. It's too full on. Told him I'm also putting the feelers out to work closer to home as the 5.30pm rush is tiring. I was able to kindly point out I don't have a mum to cook dinner once a week or anyone to share the load with at home. I'm tired too. We are supportive of each other. I still don't want to go to his place though. It's become a trigger for me 😔

[CMF]

More negative thoughts. When M was talking about his career change he mentioned s night fill job. Finish at 1am, bed by 2am, wakeup , cycle, see his kids. He pointed out he doesnt Have young kids to worry about. I agreed but later thought, where do i fit in? If i work days and he works nights when do we see each other? I know its6all hypothetical and thoughts but I didn't come into it. Am I just gonna be the Sunday date forever ? Round and round it goes.i didn't sign up for him and his sis. Few weeks ago I mentioned I wished I had a little apartment and lived on my own. He pointed out I'm my own. Told him he could visit when he wanted. Maybe r don't want the same things? He also mentioned his recent stress caused him to not sleep, sore back. Told him he now understands how I feel. Shoulder pain, I don't sleep well. Difference is he knows a lot of people, thinks it may be easy to find s different job. I don't, I need to work it out myself. I just feel I'm noticing more and more how different we are since being in this lockdown. We can't escape for a drive on Sunday's, we are stuck at home. Home life. Not sure how much we relate to e each other now.

[smallwolf]

My wife is a swimming teacher among other things and gets up crazy early to go to the gym or something else. And so goes to bed early. We dont really see much of each other during the week. It is just how things are. We are trying to make Fri night our night to get some 'us' back into the relationship. Things seem crazy now because of the lockdown situation? Eventually there will be a new normal and you and M will have other times to see each other again.

Where do you fit in? I would guess that out of all the women M would see in his days there was something special in you he liked and (again, thinking out loud) wanted to pursue some sort of relationship with you? Does that make sense.

Where would you like the relationship to go?

This time in lockdown can make us feel more alone. And loneliness allows the mind to wander and fixate on the negative things such as "we done relate to each other" - changing how we think of our ourselves and relationships and perhaps comparing ourselves to others?

Also tell me 5 things that you like about M?