Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

Guest_1584 · ‎08-04-2020

Ahh that's a great idea and way to handle it. lf you can get more opportunities like that to live it and show what it could be he'll hopefully smell the roses and things start changing hey. Sounds like he twigged about something somewhere spending the arvo like that too.

Anyway one things for sure , every time you get down about things you end up back at this point with you guys eventually so that's a really big thing l reckon , and pretty cool too, says a lot doesn't it , same thing happens with my gf some how things just all smooth over again and all work out time and time again . mind you we still have her legal dramas and anything could happen there buttttt, going on our record so far haha well, quiety hoping.

hang on there eh.

CMF · ‎10-04-2020

Yeah, I will. It's kinda nice to talk on the phone and not have her in the background having her own conversation with him. He s invited me there for Easter lunch but I won't go. Him , His kids and sis. His mum is 2 doors down with a relative from overseas whose been here before it all started. They will be there. I will be a 3rd guest. What is it with us and 3? Funny that, 3 is a significant number for us in many ways and here I am, always feeling like the 3rd haha. Anyway, I'm not comfortable going, don't think they get it. He could come to mine thougj as I'm on my own. Oh it's gonna be a long journey.

CMF · ‎10-04-2020

Spoke to soon. Tonight on the phone he had to send me a pic of a cake she made and tell me about her biceps. They are taking the cake to his mum's for dessert. She lives 2 doors away, they're having dinner there. He mentioned again me going there for lunch Sunday. Told him no and sent screen shots of why. I know he doesn't want me to be alone but I'm really peeved. Not sure why. Maybe cos they're go u g a bout, having fun while I'm on my own?Maybe the insensitivity? I was going to have Easter dinner here now I can't even see my family. He asked what my sister is doing. I snapped 'nothing, none of us are doing anything. We're not allowed but they are preparing food and cakes and posting on social media, sending me pics. Very insensitive him and his sis, and I may need to tell him.

CMF · ‎11-04-2020

Don't know if I'm feeling down or angry.

Guest_1584 · ‎11-04-2020

oooppps , l spoke too soon to by the sounds. And mums 2 doors down huh , yikes.

Wellll, l'll be on my own tomoz too actually , but l don't care l need some chill.

CMF · ‎12-04-2020

Hehe, his mum is great. She is very mindful of the fact Sunday is 'our' day. We get along really well and she's not at all intrusive. Onr day we all went to mass then the cemetery as it was an anniversary of his dad passing. Afterwards it was planned to go for lunch. His mum said she was wasn't coming as it was the only day m and I have together, his said she didn't care, she was coming. We did all go out together and it was lovely but it was one of those outings where he was k etc with his sis, not me. I walked with his mum. Any way just shows the difference in considerations doesn't it?
He didn't mention again about me going for lunch today which is was good but I hope he doesn't send me pics of their feast. If he does I'll just tell him it's a little insensitive. He is a wonderful man, I know he i s disappointed we won't spend Easter together, but we certainly think differently. He did point out last week I am a lot more considerate and always think of others whereas he doesn't. At least we both know that and I'm glad he openly acknowledges it. Nothing worse than someone in denial lol.

Happy Easter

Cmf x

CMF · ‎12-04-2020

I recently attended a course for work. It was about customer service. One thing I got out of it is that I have high expectations of others. I expect others to do as I would do, this is why I am often disappointed. Today is a good example. M and I message each other "Goodmorning ' every morning. I am usually 1st. So I messaged this morning and wished him Happy Easter. I'm sure he is busy with his family, preparing a nice lunch. Him, his sis, his kids, his mum and the relo from overseas. I know he must be busy, but he knows I am alone. I don't have parents, can't see my family and kids with their dad for lunch. He knows this. I thought he may call, see how I am, ask if I'm ok on my own but no. He must be too busy with his family to check how I am. I'm pretty sure I would have called, spoken to my partner, but gently, with understanding. My expectations of others are too high.

Birdy77 · ‎13-04-2020

Hey CMF,

I know we're all different, but i wanted to tell you that i don't think your expectations are too high at all.

How did the rest of your day turn out?

I hope your afternoon and evening was happy when your kids came home.

🌻birdy

CMF · ‎13-04-2020

Hi Birdy,

Thank you. Day finished up ok. I got outside and continued painting. M rang, they wanted to do a video call but I don't have the app and wasn't in the mood. I know he sensed how flat I was. I know he was disappointed I couldn't be there, said he wanted to be my Easter bunny 😊. I did some cooking, housework and we spoke later again. I'm just feeling a little sad and sorry for myself. He wanted me there, was my choice not to go. I do always feel.his sis is where I should be. Nothing we can do about it for now. A few things ptohibit us from being fully together for now. I have a 7 year old, he has a sister.

CMF · ‎14-04-2020

So after my little meltdown over M having an Easter gathering I find out today that my neighbour and his family went to his parents for lunch Easter Sunday . His wife was shocked when I told her I was home. Alone. I think she saw my puzzlef look when she told me they went there. I ssw none of my family. Tomorrow is M' s son's bday so it will be another gathering and it's Wednesday night I'm sure his sis' 'boyfriend's will also be there. Here I am,not seeing M while they and others, continue as normal. What do they not understand? I jokingly told M that it's people like them keeping the rest of us locked in. He didn't get it. I'm so down. My son just started uni and is struggling with it all being online as the group work is not working. They don't know each other and no one putting in any effort. He is worried about failing and the cost of an education he isn't really getting. When i think of this, then of selfish people still gathering, I feel like yelling at them. Even if they don't get caught others who think like them will and the rest of us doing the right thing are psying for it. If everybody thinks it's ok, we won't get caught, everyone will be out which defeats the purpose. It's just bloody selfish. I think of my son and all the selfish ones and I feel sick and anxious. I want it all to go away. I want to yell at M who's job is secure cos he's a teacher and doesn't seem to care about the rest of us. I don't think he gets it.