Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

Trouble in my paradise too and as l read your stuff l'm in the same way so in and out of it , just for different reasons. This morning l was in love again but tonight l just don't know again and around and round l go. THe shed for sis hey , hmmmm, good old sis, yeppa l feel for ya.

l can just see your work street too god things are just so damn strange aren't they. But your painting your house to eh , nice , and funnily l hope to start mine in the next few weeks too l'll be off work soon, at last we can still do stuff like that thankfully..

[CMF]

Yeah I'm so sad cos I love him, he is amazing and treats me like gold but the longer we go the more I can't stand the situation. I already feel I dont want to go there Sunday, not even for a coffee, cos his sis will be home. It was s o different when we started going out, it was judt us and our kids now she's stepped in as a "mum", "wife" woman of the house and I don't want to be around it. I'm tired of hering anout how comitted she is woth her body building, about the fantastic cake she made for his bday. Sick of her talking to him when we are on the phone. Sick of her interrupting our time and taking his attention when we are spending time together. Sick of how she has to kiss him when she gets home, it's creepy even though it's on the cheek. If they weren't siblings id tell them to get a room cos it's like a married couple and I don't want to he a part of a 'couple'

[Guest_1584]

Oh man it's a strange one alright, sadly it's always loud and clear in why and how you don't enjoy going over but try not to be so hard on yourself about feeling that way l think it's perfectly understandable any partner with a heartbeat would have trouble with something so weird and l really really feel you in it all. biggest problem is backing her off and building a life with you two instead , has to come from m, tough one, dunno why he doesn't wanna do that. tbh l think the only hope for her is if she were to fall madly in love with a new man , maybe the body building brings that on haha. what happened with the bf in the end anyway , is he still on the scene or ?

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Yeah he's still around. It will get to the point where I just snap. I've mentioned it politely and, soon it won't be so polite. I love him and I love her but I don't love it when they're together or the situation. Hsrd6to separate the person from the situation. He s become aware thst the rowdiness of his house annoys me so I may just say that
Why would I sit there not enjoying it? Also, I need help to paint, he could do that for me if he really wanted to. He knows it's important to me. Can't be just about going out for lunch once a week.

[Guest_1584]

Oh God no not at this age especially , well l guess some do even just want something casual but not many. my gf has no qualms in letting me know what's on her mind but it's not usually in a bad way , l quite like it actually bc my ex w never told me shyt and man it was a pain.

l've got 6 sisters , think l understand where she's at but it doesn't sound a malliceous destroy you guys thing , sounds more like she's just love you part of their thing and her yours really. not much help l know it's still what it is but at least it doesn't sound like she's trying to get you out. But if she can't see it all l think it's on m myself. he's the one has to draw the line for her and build more with you guys . trouble with these social types isn't it , we're a good match like that thank god , she loves our time and just hangin out at home as much as l do. funny , this lockdowns really made not much difference to the way we live. cept l have to work something better out with my daughter bc we're not not seeing each other , lockdown wise l mean.

[CMF]

you are so right. It is not malicious at all. They all welcome me as part of the family and i do think that is why she is that way cos she sees me as part of them so treats me that way. A friend suggested that maybe, as they have an an 11 year age gap he probably looks at her like a daughter and she looks at him as a parent figure. He used to drive her to school, pick her up when she went out with friends etc. so the adoration maybe be from that. She probably looks up to him like a father figure and he is proud of her like a daughter. That doesnt excuse the interruptions when we are watching movie or have a conversation. Anyway...

From next week we have no staff in the office except us at reception, the boss and a secretary. Staff are not allowed to come in and out unless it is absolutely necessary to collect something and even then they need to email us to arrange it and then stagger the collection times. It is so draining, it could be 3-6 months apparently.

Hard to believe the whole world has been shut down like this.

[Guest_1584]

God yeah it's all so strange , the weirdest strangest , l mean l understand it and agree , l actually thought they should've done it a mth ago, but it's weird. And the money the gov's spending , wouldn't have believed it if we weren't living it. things at work sound the same but what can you do it has to be done l guess yeah. lt's incredible the way they've had to do all these bizarre things isn't it.

But l dunno , l'd go more the little sis thing but it doesn't really make much difference does it although l guess anythings better than the in love thing alternative haha right. Unfortunately he dosn't even see it though or things with you guys , to some people like the mega social n family types this to them lS a relationship , gonna take a lottttt of hounding to change it and him too l'm afraid.

on one hand l'd quite like to be falling into a family situation with gf type thing but on the other l know it's not me , l don't even like too many friends or visitors, l actually block my family alllll the time. Felt guilty for years and years about it too but end of the day l', afraid l like my life the way l like my life. They hardly bother anymore these days .

[CMF]

I AM so lucky to have the family situation and yes, he doesn't see it. Oh well. The positives outweigh the negatives but unfortunately we focus on negatives. It's an unusual arrangement but how lucky am I to have him back in my life.

Im6quite emotional today, just need a good cry. Don't know what to expect at work tomorrow as had a call out with my Monday colleague about all her personal stuff done at work. It's out in the open now. Unfortunately timing was bad as her mum, whom she recently reconciled with after being disowned, is quite unwell. I'm tired of taking on all her personal stuff at work and think she should just take time off instead of bringing it all to work.

Yeah, I'm a mess today.ad M and I can still visit with the new rules he was going to come here today as less people at my place but i feel i need to get out, but i don't want the interruptions of his sis. My friend says she is like a 3rd wheel, but I feel I am as they live their lives together and I only see him on Sundays.

[CMF]

I AM so lucky to have the family situation and yes%2c he doesn%27t see it. Oh well. The positives outweigh the negatives but unfortunately we focus on negatives. It%27s an unusual arrangement but how lucky am I to have him back in my life.
%3cbr/%3e
%3cbr/%3eIm6quite emotional today%2c just need a good cry. Don%27t know what to expect at work tomorrow as had a call out with my Monday colleague about all her personal stuff done at work. It%27s out in the open now. Unfortunately timing was bad as her mum%2c whom she recently reconciled with after being disowned%2c is quite unwell. I%27m tired of taking on all her personal stuff at work and think she should just take time off instead of bringing it all to work.
%3cbr/%3e
%3cbr/%3eYeah%2c I%27m a mess today.ad M and I can still visit with the new rules he was going to come here today as less people at my place but i feel i need to get out%2c but i don%27t want the interruptions of his sis. My friend says she is like a 3rd wheel%2c but I feel I am as they live their lives together and I only see him on Sundays.

[CMF]

Well, as discussed M came over. It felt weird for me. I thought he may just come for a cuppa and stay for a bit but he stayed all afternoon. We watched tv, talked, laughed. My son was home but he tends to stay in his room on his computer. I felt awkward at first as i wasn't expecting him to stay all arvo and was expecting to feel a little disappointed but i was wrong.. It made me realise that it doesn't matter where we are, as long as we are together. It was nice to have no interruptions. I asked what they were doing at his place and he told me about his boys but did not mention his sis. He didn't mention his sis at all, i was surprised. i thought i might hear about here training or something but nothing. In fact, even on the phone the last few times i have asked what they are all up to and he hasn't mentioned her. I wonder if me not going there last weekend made him realise how i really enjoy quiet time with him, especially if we haven't seen much of each other. Maybe he understands that i find it difficult to be at his place with constant interruptions from her if we are watching a movie etc. He told me about his friend who has just met a guy and she is struggling with how they think differently. He explained to her that men and women think differently which led us to talking about us. We were able to have a good chat about expectations and how we are different but that's ok, as long as we understand that. He pointed out that i am much more considerate of others that he is. He cares but he pointed out how much i always think of others. We were able to just chat about us, as a couple. Feelings, the future. I actually felt like it is him and i, that it is 2 of us not 3 of us. I hope he has realised that having his sis around all the time is not always a good thing. I think me not going there last weekend to hang out with the 3 of them maybe had an impact, or maybe not. I hanging around.love going there when we are going to go out but i cannot go there to sit and watch tv when she is because i don't feel like a couple.she is the third wheel. Maybe he has taken notice of what i have nicely tried to point out in the past. My friend pointed out that i need to start to make changes, have him come to mine more often not me go there all the time. i need to make my home welcoming for him, maybe invest in a little coffee machine. I need to make small changes so his sis is not always in our face. I realise now how much it affects he and i growing.