Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Gets better. Had a procedure not long ago as it was determined I am high risk for cervical cancer. Results from the procedure arrived today and I need a small surgery to remove pre cancerous cells. So I guess it's ok for me to feel upset when his sis posts photos of the bday party tonight saying how lucky they are to live together so they can celebrate while i sit at home filling out paperwork for the hospital. Despite the horrible things M"s ex wife did I can see why she doesn't see her boys anymore. When M and i started going out she saw them about once a week, slowly it's become nothing. They've been taken over by his sis living there. As wicked as the ex is I can understand how hard it would be for her. The boys make no effort too because his sis has dtepped in and taken over the household. I love M very much but i don't know if I want this. Her being the centre of everything. Can we stop the earth spinning? I want to get off 😔

[blondguy]

Hey Country Music Festival!

just sending you my best if thats okay! I just caught the last sentence on your post.....Sometimes I want the earth to stop spinning too.. as these are crappy times compared to a few years ago...

thankyou for all your help and your great thread topics too 🙂

my kindest always....Paul

[CMF]

maybe i'm done? He could have come to see me over the Easter break. the rules are that 1 visitor is allowed but . he know i was alone on Easter Sunday but he was too busy having lunch with his family. He could have brought me a plate of food, spent an hour or so here but he didn't. He has time to cycle and do other things but not visit me. i feel I'm being taken for granted, he's become complacent, I'm an option. I guess i'm a bit too boring as i am happy to sit in a quirt house, not have people coming and going all the time. When he came here a few Sunday's ago and we eventually started chatting and we talked about the future i asked why he love me. He couldn't answer, said he had to think about it. I rattled of my reason without a thought, but he couldn't. That is not a good sign. why are we together? Cos we know each other, cos we are familiar, cos we both went through breakups and understood? Besides all that, what depth does the relationship have? It's all material, beautiful gifts, lovely lunches but where is the substance? We are like his sis and her bf, see each other once a week and that's it, the rest is him and her together, happy family. What am i, where do i fit in? There is no depth, it's all on the surface.

Feel sick and confused

[quirkywords]

CMF

I have caught up to date with your posts. I am sorry that you need surgery.

I am sorry you feel M has let you down again and you feel like an outsider because of his relationship with his sister.

You have gone over the same issues and then you realise you and M have a great connection but you keep worrying you will be left out most of the time and the sister will be included.

his is your life and your decision but you health needs to be number one.

[CMF]

Well we had a chat. I told him how I feel. He listened, understood, said it gave him things to think about. I couldn't come straight out and say some things re his sis but I think he got it. Pointed out I've tx him before and yet it doesn't change. He thanked me and said good on me for having courage to bring it up. Said not to stress, we will be fine.i feel crap, I feel sick. He is so stressed with his studies . I feel awkward, I'll feel awkward if I go there cos I won't know if hes6daid anything to them. I want the earth to swallow me up. I just feel crap . Im frustrated that he's in this living arrangement with his sis. That I havd6to hezr6jpw fantastic she is, about every cake she makes, how fit she looks.

Whatever

[CMF]

Been thinking (for a change)

I realise why the sis thing bugs
me. It's not personal. I know why i feel like something on the side. It's cos I am watching my man live and enjoy a life with another woman. Regardless of who she is, he is sharing his everyday life with her. It peeves me cos she has a long term boyfriend, 11 years. She should be sharing her life with him, not her brother. I'm still getting my head around their relationship. Is it bro/sis thing? A father/daughter thing considering the 11 year are gap? Yes, I'm a little jealous of how he goes on about her. How she has stepped into the female role in the household. He admitted he is a yes man , he wants to please everyone,but I don't want to see her controlling things. She is part owner of the house but I want him to put his foot down on decisions too and not let her steamroll him I don't want him to just agree to what she wants all the time. I don't want her encroaching on my time with him cos there's not much of it. As i told him, a bit of consideration of our personal ttime would be nice when we are at his house. They can chat anytime. Anyway, as we can't go out for lunch I'm bringing it to us. Lunch at mine tomorrow. Just he and i. My son is home but he stays in his room on computer and won't interrupt us.

[Guest_1584]

Ahh cm , we can all see why it bugs you it'd bug anyone doubt anyone wouldn;t understand that . Beats me how he doesn't miss personal time and intimacy with you guys and cuddles and all of it . can't have that with a sis . hope you have a nice day anyway and with a few days after your chat and some more time along the way maybe it slowly sinks in and he starts turning things around a bit eh.

Have a nice day. rx

[CMF]

Yeah. He has been so busy with his study but we had a lovely lunch today. I tried to recreate a winery lunch that i know he enjoys, he brought the wine. It was so relaxing and we talked so much. It was a beautiful day so after lunch we sat on the pergola and enjoyed a wine. He mentioned what we would do when we live together ie sell our houses and buy one together perhaps? He mentioned his sis' plan to have their mum live in her house which is apparently smaller and one street away and she wants to knock down the family home to build her dream home and live there...2 doors from M (if he's still there). i don't really get it. The family home is not that big, why would you move their mum? His sis's house is on a corner and has no garage and off street parking not allowed. Hmmmmm...not sure about that one. a

Again it's her doing what she wants and as m pointed out, when she says shes gonna do something she does it! M then wondered who she would live there with which lead to a discussion about her BF. They are back on again but no change in the relationship. M seemed a little frustrated with it too and says he understands my frustration. She was home today on her own as m was at mine, he asked her why she doesn't call him and go over, she didn't want to wake him as he sleeps in despite not being able to go out Saturday nights now. M said he will give it 12 months and if no change he is gong to speak to her about it, i suggested 12 months too long and give it till xmas. I know he sees their relationship is bs but it's the first time he has really expressed it and mentioned doing something about it. It enabled me to bring up my feelings from a few nights ago and how part of my frustration is that she has a bf and yet on Sundays she is home with m and i, not spending time with her bf. M agreed and told me he understands. i did point out that although her bf gives nothing in the relationship, she too does not go to his house since she moved in with M. her bf does not cook, i suggested she could go there on a Sunday and they could cook together, or go to lunch or out for coffee. Just do something together, anything.They do NOTHING . It's ridiculous. She has admitted she couldn't have kids with him as he would not be a good parent. She is 40, why is she wasting her time? Which again raises my point, she has a 'virtual' family living with m but if it there aren't changes, I'll have to initiate some changes.

[Guest_1584]

Fantastic there's light at the end of the tunnel then and on the drawing board eh , great stuff.

[CMF]

Yeah. On the phone tonight and mid conversation she starts telling him something that happened at work today. He asks me if I heard it and proceeds to tell me. Helloooooooi...I was talking.Did anything sink in or is it assumed it only relates to Sundays,? If I don't see a change, I'm gonna make a change.