Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

There is that old saying that the only person you can change is yourself.

What changes are you thinking of making.

I think M cares for you but his relationship with his sister is second nature so that he has no idea that interrupting his conversation with you to talk to his sister.

He does not really understand how his behaviour affects you. I have forgotten if Ms sister was living with him before you met up with him again.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes it is second nature, but rude and inconsiderate. She moved in about 4 weeks after we met up again but the plans were in place beforehand. He is a teacher, I asked what he'd do if a student kept interrupting whilst he was talking to another student. Would he tolerate it? He laughed but I know he wouldn't. After my little melt down and our long chat (few posts bsvk) he said he understands and sees my point. Can't see anything changing do if it continues when all this Lock down ends and I'm there I'll probably just get up and go home. Not going to explain, just go. I've done it before and told him why as he saw I was upset if he can't few s p it I may need to go into more detail about how it makes me feel ie watching him live his life with her. Her loving the virtual family set up maybe even about how I feel she takes over decisions. Told him a few times that since living with him she hasn't been to her boyfriend's house or slept there like she used to. He hasn't noticed till I told him and said ' yeah I wonder why. It cos of her virtual family now.
Hopefully won't get to that but I can't see him doing anything to make changes cos he s too nice. If she livrd in her own house we wouldn't have this problem and it is a problem for me

[Guest_1584]

l really can not stand it when people do that on the phone ,real pet bloody hate of mine.

[CMF]

So I went to M's for a coffee today. I could really sense how much he s missed me being there. Even though we've seen each other it was like he hadn't seen me for ages. He couldn't stop smiling, hi sis made a lovely cake and Anzac bikkies, j took some sweets and we all sat around having coffee and catching up. It was nice. I just can't believe how much i sended he's missed me Going there. It was a good catch up. I don't want to over think it but does it mean he didn't enjoy coming to mine? I know he enjoyed last Sunday at mine, having lunch however today was lovely but strange. Maybe he was just relaxed as he finished his essay and wasn't stressed. I don't know, just strange, like it was first time I'd been there or like we haven't seen each other for months. I know he loves people dropping in but hope it doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy coming to mine instead as I may li I he to change things up a bit. Oh well, time will tell.

[CMF]

Full of anxiety and really down. Had a fallout with my work colleague who does all her personal stuff at work. Got it out in the open, told her how I feel
It was 5 weeks ago. We've worked together twice since then due to public holidays and she is being passive aggressive. Completely ignoring me but super nice to everyone else. She is working, no personal calls trying to look like employee of the month but she cannot see her part in the fallout. Cannot see how her s e lgish behaviour was affecting me. She is always the victim. It's so awkward as only 3 or 4 of us in the office, we sit at reception together and it's quiet. She cannot see my side, only that I upset her. All about her as always
I feel sick

[CMF]

Yeah...anxiety.

Crap 😒

[quirkywords]

CMF

I do appreciate your honesty but I feel sad that you are suffering anxiety and that a colleagues is causing you problems. Passive aggressive is so destructive and annoying. If you say anything they say you are being so defensive!

Can you do anything to lessen your anxiety?

[CMF]

Don't know. We share a desk and sit together all day. It's hard as no other staff in the office . Her goody two shoes act rarely lasts long. You can only put on an act for so long. I'm wondering if she has been spoken To by the boss, hence the cat's bum face she has with me. She is a waste of my time. She's taken advantage of everyone for years and I've taken the fall for everyone before me as I'm the one who has actually told her. If only she knew how others have felt. I should just come in and be super chirpy or tell her to either talk about it with me, which I've already offered, or get over it. She is a selfish, spiteful person who never sees her own wrongdoing. Always the victim.

[CMF]

Messaged her. Told her I won't be playing her passive/aggressive game anymore. Told her it happened, I explained why , I had apologised for upsetting her and welcomed a conversation. Told her if she wants to talk I'll listen, if not 🤷‍♀️.
Had to put it in her court again as her she is not passing on messages related to work, which will affect work. I don't want to be 'friend's but we do need to work together. Thankfully o only 1 day a week. She is an expert in passive/aggressive. Lived under same roof , separate lives, as her husband for 10 years after he cheated on her. She's had lots of practice. Anyway, I'll still h ave anxiety on Mondays. Can't wait till our staff are back in the office.

[CMF]

it's Saturday, lot's of time to think. It was M's son's bday yesterday. M was working and his son had to work at night so his sis made dinner and a bday cake for him which they had late arvo. All very nice, however she posted it on FB with photos outlining everything she made with the last point being 'all made by Aunty *****. M has mentioned a few times that he hopes one day he and his ex wife will reach a point where she will be civil, not attacking and they can be in the same room ie maybe when the kids get married. My ex and I are like that, in fact we talk a bit when he picks up the kids. M's sis is still very bitter and has not gotten over what his wife did to him, however, posting things like she does with his kids where their mother will see them is not helping M. His sis knows their mum will see the posts, with her all over the kids, making a big point about all she is doing for them. M is oblivious to this, he is not on social media. Do i need to point it out to him? i don't want to feel like i'm always having digs about his sis but facts are facts. She is interfering in his life and affecting relationships in many ways.. I love her dearly but when will this stop?