Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

i hope that you are ok and your weekend brings you some joy

tess

[CMF]

Hi RX & Tess,

Hope you are both well. Had a lovely weekend thx Tess but have Sunday night blues.

I'm anxious about Covid stuff. I'm vaxed but some of my colleagues are adamant they won't but now must to continue to work. I worry for these people. It's not my problem but I worry how it will affect them. I too was very hesitant originally so I understand how they must feel. I feel it's going to cause tensions and feel uneasy.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Great you ha a nice wkend cm, l like the sound of that haha, good for you.

rx

[CMF]

My daughter has here VCE music performance exam this Saturday morning so i have asked M if we can move our 'sleepover' this week to Saturday night instead of Friday. We will be busy in the morning preparing and I want the house to be calm for her. M can be a little loud in the mornings (annoying lol) and i know she doesn't need extra things going on and people around. I was going to ask at the last minute, curious to see if he agreed straight away as my overthinking lead me to believe he makes sure his sis is home with his boys when he sleeps here. I could be completely wrong but if i am right it will peeve the crap out of me cos it's just another thing where his reliance on her controls our relationship and she would feel he just can't live without her. It is also another way that she affects our relationship ie if she is going to bf's would he come here and leave his adult boys? I'll need to find a way to suss it out.

Aaaaaanyway, my request threw him. He said "What? What are you talking about?" I asked again and he asked "Why, what's happened" there was almost a bit of panic in his voice which i find funny now. I think he may have thought i meant every week (sis goes to bf's Saturday nights i think) but I explained my reasons and he was fine and agreed straight away. I'm pretty sure if he is relying on his sis to be home he is not going to tell me cos he knows how i feel about her being so involved and affecting what we can/can't do. I didn't leave it till the last minute so he will have plenty of time to ask his sis to be home if that is the case but Il def need to find a way to see if my thoughts are correct. Just thinking about it being correct is agitating and putting me in a bad mood.

cmf

[CMF]

So on top of sleeping here Saturday night M asked if I still wanted to do dinner Friday night. I was surprised, thought he may want to be home with the family Friday night seeing as he's staying here Saturday.

Maybe I underestimate him?

Cmf

[CMF]

Inconsistent. Was discussing a few things with M, observations really and he told me he is inconsistent. He is never consistent with anything.

No wonder i feel i'm on a roller coaster at times. He like the edges of the grass perfectly straight down the street and the pool clean, but he is ok leaving dirty tea cups on the coffee at night when he goes to bed and having a messy kitchen. His bedroom is always neat and tidy, bed made, no clothes or shoes lying around, but the kitchen & living area of the house has crap everywhere, yet he cleaned out his son's room and told him he needs to maintain it. I told him his inconsistency makes me feel like i don't know who he is.He is annoyed that a parent rom his school walked in with no mask, but it's ok for his friend to pop in for a coffee on Saturday's while we have restrictions. He told his sis it was not right that her and bf had friends over a few weeks ago who got drunk and stayed the night but he wasn't angry like he was with the dad who walked into the school with no mask.

I'm glad he can see it and admitted it, but no wonder i am confused lol. He did say he would make an effort to be tidier if we lived together as he knows i would keep things tidy. He also understands it helps my anxiety. I told him when i go to his house and there is crap everywhere, i don't know where to look and it makes me agitated. He understood that, which was good.

[CMF]

Wow. It seems our chat last weekend had an impact. M told me he's been doing alot of cleaning this week, that he'd cleared the kitchen benches, put things away, tidied up. Said he cleared the dining table and when I jokingly asked if he's putting his cup in the sink/dishwasher before going to bed he said yes.I asked why & he said cos I like things tidy. I said yeah, but I don't live there. He said doesn't matter,he did it cos he knows it's how I like things. I was surprised and told him I'd pop over today to have a look. OMG, he wasn't joking. The kitchen looks amazing and bigger. I've never seen it so clean. Told him I love it but hope he's not cleaning up after other's cos they leave crap around...hint hint. He said next step is to clean up the living area. He going to clean up all the crap under the coffee table (all sis') and remove all the spare chairs cos the more chairs, the more crap gets dumped. I can't believe he's doing all his. He really took on board how it made me feel. The front fence was finished yesterday, looks great. He wants to change the windows and said down the track could live there with him. There is lots of room and we coukd lounge by the pool together.

Wow, guess last week's conversation had an impact.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Haaaa well there ya go cm .

More progress , kinda jealous btw with my sitch the way it is buttttttt, your getting there eh really pleased for ya. He was always gonna take a lotta patience but it's paying off huh.

Hava nice Sunday.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Yeah I was pleasantly surprised. He's told the family it is the new standard and needs to be kept that way. Can't wait till he does the living room cos besides the spare chairs everywhere alot of the mess is sis'. I wonder what she thinks of it all? I guess He's wanting to create an environment I feel relaxed in so I'll start going over more. Also, I'vebeen very considerateof him when he sleeps over.. I'd love to see if he follows thru on telling sis not to interrupt us. I'm still quite surprised he went to the effort considering I'm hardly there. It was a big effort considering how much stuff was on the kitchen benches. It makes me feel my feelings are a priority to him and his sis in not in charge. He's taking a stand on how his house (which hopefully he'll fully get back next year) should be presented. From the sound of things they'll sell their townhouse, he'll give her money back and she'll move back into her house. Fingers crossed that's how it happens although it means she'll be there till after July by the time it all happens. I guess I can deal with that considering the changes He's making. By tidying up he's bringing a part of me into the home. It's nice.

Cmf x

[BballJ]

Well this has been a long time between chats!

I hope you remember me - been a couple of years since I logged into Beyond Blue but wanted to log in and check up on an old friend 🙂

Hope all is well.

Jay