Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Remember you Jay?

Of course I do. An old friend & a dear one. I do think of you and wonder how you're going.

How are you?

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Probably easier to stick to one thread to catch up - I am well, so much has changed since I was last on here, outside of the COVID pandemic of course. I think last time I was in here I was speaking about my relationship (Toxic one) but so much has changed since - Currently in a great job with a great company (Moved twice in the last two years) and in a new happy relationship, I used last year to really focus on myself and get my mental health in order and met a nice girl this year and been going strong for 6 months now. Currently in a semi anxious state as I await some test results so health anxiety seems to have kicked in, in the past month or so but other than that, I am doing good.

How are you and how is everything in your world 🙂

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay

I'm so happy for you. New job, new girl...I'm glad you took time to focus on you. Health anxiety...I'd be the same.

I've been with my 'new partner 3 years now. He was mt first love over 30 years ago. It's going great. I have ups & downs with the relationship but he really tries to understand my anxiety and make adjustments to help. I can be really open with my feelings about things .

Kids are well. Son in uni, Daughter in yr 12 and little miss grade 3. Work is good, started a new role in January and been working from home most of it.

I guess things have improved for both of us.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

Hi Jay and CMF,

It is good to see things improving for both of you. Welcome back Jay.

CMF I like the way you always are so honest and try to reflect on the ups and downs of relationships.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

M had a few friends over today for a catch up now we are out of lockdown. He asked to pop over also. Was nice arvo, sis was there but they were talking about something I knew nothing about. Annoying. Then the subject turned to passports. Sis told M that when 'THEY' renew their passports they need to get international ones for his boys. So here we go again. Her stepping in, them organising things and me not included.

Guess she does still rule the roost. Gotta do what the boss says.

[CMF]

I've known all along they want to take his boys overseas to see his dad's hometown & visit relatives,but to think 3 years on & I still have to hear it from his sis' mouth and they're maybe talking about it without me knowing anything...feels like 3 steps backwards.

[Guest_1584]

Hi Jay , good to see you again and to hear things have all taken such a nice turn for you. Sure many will remember your help and care around the place l know l do. All the best. rx.

Hiya cm . sorry to hear those feelings arising again but it's very understandable and no one could blame you. l suppose every couple do things and move along differently but l'd think you should well and truly be by far the bigger thing in m's life after all this time.

He's a strange one.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah. I could be jumping the gun but you don't organise to renew passports for no reason. Clearly they've had discussions. I can't and don't want to go with them but I also don't want to be with someone with whom I have no similar interests. Down the track he wants to travel and go on cruises. I don't. He knows that. So what happens? He said it's his sis' idea to sell their townhouse and him stay in his house cos everything's there and it us bigger. He said down the track I could move in with him, we can relax by the pool. I don't like pools that much. It's a nice plan but what if I don't want to live there? I know it's all talk at the moment but I feel he's hoping I'll change my mind on things, like travel.

I see hurdles. Don't know if he realises I'm not just gonna do what he wants, not on big decisions like travel and where to live. What happens when that times comes?

I know you feel you've wasted years rx. I could be too. I feel myself stepping back again. Withdrawing.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l often wonder about things in common you two are pretty different for sure. Not to say that we need to be clones of ea other but there are basics for me like feeling the same way about big things and life , lifestyle in general, who we are and stuff.

Unfortunately with m he is very different to you so although he tries to make changes, he does have to try to do them bc it just doesn't come naturally and so the other ways are still always there and bouncing back.

l wouldn't wanna travel either. l'm actually setting up my 4wd atm for camping and trips and locally l'm kinda looking forward to taking off a bit but OS, yeah same for me zero interest couldn't do it. His place nah , couldn't see you feeling at home there sorry to say.

Nice hug. rx

[CMF]

Well I cleared things up. There is no talk of travel, as we can't. Sis mentioned the boys getting international passports so they can travel later on. M said his sis & bf would travel and thinks his boys will visit the hometown on their own, although he would like to take them . He has an Uncle he'd like to see but may not be able to. He said if the uncle passed away he'd def want to go to the funeral. I asked about us all going away this summer. His mum is not up for it & it's really expensive, but he asked if I wanted to. Said his sis & bf would probably go away. He suggested we could go away for Easter. I'm happy hex was thinking about US, & not and sis . I brought up vax/anti Vax and what if I really was against it, where would it leave us. He said he would respect my wishes and we'd stay together and work around it. He wouldn't break up over it.

Wow, I think I let my over-active mind make up too much stuff.

Maybe things are moving forward and away from sis.