Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Anyway, going thru a bout of anxiety. Since the road out of lockdown was announced. I think it is just all the changes and uncertainty again. Back to the office or not. Back to school or not or few days a week. Change of routine, changes at work.

I feel crap. Just crap and alone.

Cmf

[Tess2]

Stay strong CMF,

you are not crap and are not alone. Your little girl and other children love you, we are here. I know it is not the same and I know what you mean. But you are not at fault here. Xx tess

[CMF]

Thanks Tess,

On Saturday night M's sis was making fun of her bf'S text messages again. He is Brazilian, heavy accent. English not perfect. She was joking/annoyed about a message that made no sense. I didn't react & M quietly said to me that some of them are pretty bad. Not a nice quality to make jokes about your partner behind his back to others, especially when he's trying his best. Not his fault English is his 2nd language. When he arrived she was picking on his clothes, saying he had his dancing shoes on.

Yeah, not a fan of that behaviour in front of others.

[Tess2]

It would make me uncomfortable CMF!

sounds like an all round unpleasant experience

tess

[Guest_1584]

To me that's just low. l speak my gf's messages no problem we can talk about anything in messages most of the time but most people couldn't even read most of it wouldn't know what she's talking about. The last thing l'd do is make jokes about her English though. Not only is it really cute anyway and to me it's just the her as l know her but she's doing her best and it'd really hurt her feeling and efforts if l was to say things.

l wonder how he feels about it.

rx

[quirkywords]

CMF

yes I find making fun of someone trying to write in another language is not nice. My family make fun of all my typos and voice to text and I know I make typos here and English is my only language.

I think when a partner makes fun of their partner in front of others I find it very uncomfortable.

You are such a caring person and I hope M appreciates what a fine person you are.

[CMF]

Hi Tess & Rx,

Not eve sure if he knows as she did it in front of m and i on Saturday before her BF and m said tome some messages are really bad/make no sense so she must tell M all the time. M wasn't laughing when he told me though, he said it quietly and was a little serious. I found it uncomfortable. i don;t want to laugh and make fun of the guy behind his back. One time she did it when i was there but she told him when he arrived. Stil...on Saturday she looked annoyed about it, like he was an idiot. He had also sent her 5 short messages and she complained about that and said omg. Yeah, she does not have the patience m does, he is very patient and controlled, they are quite opposite.

Thanks Quirky,

i do care for people, even if i'm not close with them. i have seen what she is like, can be dominant, wants attention, rude, interrupting. He is a great guy. might have to be to put up with it all lol

cmf x

[CMF]

M dropped in for a coffee today. We were having a lovely chat till he told me sis' bf was giving his son a haircut tonight. It triggered me. He is a chef, maybe he knows how to cut hair too although M's son's hair is a ball of curls, can't be that hard to cut. Anyway. It was a reminder of how they are always doing things together, her bf is more a part of their life than me. I'm an outsider, a nothing. I guess they're all going for dinner at their mum's tonight too.

Just always a nothing.

[CMF]

It's no one's fault. I don't expect his mum to have another 2 or 3 of us for dinner every week but I can't help feeling I'm not a part of anything. They can have dinner, talk, laugh and I'm on my own with little miss. Funny thing is, if I were adkef now I'd have anxiety about it cos they're close and I'm not. M's boys are probably closer with her bf than me cos he stays over. At least M was smart enough not to send me a photo of the son having a haircut. He did that last year's lockdown. I'd had a bad day at work. Didn't finish till 8pm, was upset and lonely and he sent me photos of them having fun. I lost it. Told him he's so sensitive. That I sit alone every night while he sits with them doesn't even consider spending time with me. My whole life changed. His not at all cos he could still cycle, have dinner with his family, have fun. Everything I enjoyed was taken away.

So I feel myself withdrawing again. Feeling alone. Wondering why he's with me when he's got everything at home. What am I?

Again. 3 of them should shack up.

[Guest_1584]

l do know where your coming from .

Back in my 20s only a gf l was with for awhile. But first there was her thing with her family , she was happy just sitting around with them all day night wkends, holidays. But 2ndly , her sisters bf , whom got along with my gf better than he did her sister, l use to wonder how the sister wasn't worried. l didn't fit anywhere and her coming over to mine was like a sacrifice to her.

One wkend we went away, l didn't think she'd come it'd mean leaving the family and sisters bf. Well we had a great time but getting back to Melbourne that night , she was suppose to stay at mine, and l was so looking forward to it being just us, just to round of our wkend away. Well it was a 6hr drive home but as soon as we got back she made an excuse and raced back to hers the sisters bf and family , and l was left home alone after finally having our beautiful wkend away, just us. lt never ended.

M always reminds me of her and the trouble is like her, he just loves it too. And like us , your just so different like that. lt's a pretty tough call tbh.

rx