Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:
Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;
Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me
Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.
Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby
How i feel now:
Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet
How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?
If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.
Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?
I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.
I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.
I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.
Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.
I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.
Thanks for reading
M came over today & a few things are bugging me. He jokingly made a comment that made him sound like a spoilt brat and I told him so. He said his mum told him the same thing recently. I to him if he starts behaving like that we're gonna have an issue. We were then talking about thd show SAS & he said 1 of the girls who voluntarily left weak, a quitter. She had no physical injury and no reason to quit. Her reason was she felt crap everyday. Anxious on edge. I told him he has No idea how it feels to have anxiety, feel crap every day and to reach a point where you just don't want to feel like that anymore. He then invited little miss & I to watch grand final at his. I reminded him about curfew. He said to leave at 1/2 time. Said they'll start drinking at 3pm, i don't drink. Will be him, sis & bf drinking. We can have dinner then I can be home before curfew. Little miss usually spends Saturday with her dad and gets home after dinner, suggested I pick her up early . He then said tell her she has to sleep at her dad's & I can sleep at M's. I'm not interested in a slumber party with them and No way little miss sleeping at her dad's. She's never slept there. No bed just a mattress on the floor. M said her dad can sleep in his parents bed ( they both died this year) and she can sleep in his bed. His room is down the back of the house. Told M no way I'd do that to her. I don't even want to go to M's for GF if it's just a boize up but I really felt he was pushing for me to go. Maybe he's realised they're a 3some & wants me there? Thing is I don't want to go if they're just gonna drink & then have to leave early. Not enjoyable for me and gatherings against the rules. He seemed insistent. I raised legitimate points, he bit back everytime. We didn't go last year but sis bf did. Slept there for first time, in lockdown. I'm really not interested in going while they drink & I'm left out.
Also we had the earthquake yesterday. After checking my kids 1st thing I did was call M. He told me First thing he did was check his new concrete didn't crack. We did go over for breakfast as we had no power, but I wonder if I hadn't called first if he would have thought to call me?
I'll have to ask if he checked his concrete before or after I called lol.
I think what bothers me the most is this spoilt brat attitude. We have both said at our age there are things we won't tolerate but there is a difference between not tolerating things/behaviours and acting spoilt. Also, I hate how he yells when footy is on and how he's loud when he drinks. He & sis' bf can have their fun. Sis loves it, her and her boys. I'm not interested.
Haha according to him he said maybe my daughter could sleep at her dad's,not that I should tell her she had to. Ok, I'll give him that but he did say he can't believe in that big house there's no bed for her. He just said maybe he could set something up for her, it would be good for her to sleep there. He knows how toxic her dad is. Why even push it?
It seems maybe he'd like to see some changes. Well so would i with his set up but I don't see anything changing.
Dear CMF, this is a pile of crap.
do not go and do not do to you daughter what he is suggesting. You have her best interests at heart, only you know her and her father and the situation. How dare he suggest their sleeping arrangements. One of the things I admire most about you, is the way you put you children before yourself, And especially this young child who is very vulnerable in all this. You can’t just tell her you want to sleep at his place so she can stay at her fathers, which she has not done before.
Your instincts about your child are right and who cares about the footy that much
if you don’t drink then sitting about while others “tie one on” will not be great.
i can’t believe he has asked this of you
I feel disappointed cos I've been so happy. I would NEVER tell my daughter she has to sleep at her dad's. If things were reversed, he'd never ask his son's to sleep at their Mum's (if they were younger). He can't tell his 41 yo sis to not intrude, or that she should move into her place cos he feels he's kicking her out yet it would ve good for my 8 yo if I told her yo sleep at her dad's.
I rang him later and asked if he was OK cos I found him arrogant. He asked if it was the comment on the girl who left SAS. told him that and the other things. He's always surprised that I call him out like that but he has told me that if he gets too cocky to tell him to pull his head in.
Anyway, told him I won't tolerate it & that there's no point going to his for Gand Final if they're gonna drink and I have to leave early anyway. I'm hoping it pours rain, that's a good reason not to go out.
I agree with Tess .
It is amazing how people can tell others what do with loved ones but in their own lives fit in with others.
Ms comments about the woman on SAS, I didn’t watch the show, but when people have no experience of anxiety or another mental issue, they have no idea how strong that woman was on a national show to reveal how she was feeling. Also going on the show when she knew she had anxiety took courage.
I feel the same way about footy finals.
I like the way you stand up for what you believe in and I hope M values what a special person you are.
Dear Tess & Quirky,
Thank you. I spoke to M re the comment about my daughter sleeping at her dad's. He said it could be good for her to move out of her comfort zone eventually (same if his kids) but acknowledged her dad needs to create a warm, homely environment and acknowleged it would be hard for me and little miss initially. He's done lots for me recently. Got up on the roof to check something, cleaned my gutters, helped with a new fridge delivery. We did go for dinner grand final night. I could see he wanted that and I need to give a little too. His mum came, apparently only cos I was there 😊. She is a beautiful woman. M hadn't been drinking up yet at all. When sis' bf arrived around 6ish he was keen to get M drinking but M said later, that he just wanted wine with dinner. I went and sat in the lounge as seeing the 3 of them is too much for me. Even though they were doing nothing wrong. At dinner M dropped food in crotch and commented he'd dropped food on his ba##s. I found this inappropriate at the dinner table and n front of his sis and told him do. I know they speak like that, my family don't and makes me uncomfortable. Sis commented that he forgot his mum & I were there. Nice. Clearly the 3some are different amongst each other and I'm again feeling like a guest, outsider. They then joked about his mum buying sweets for when visitors pop in. As we are in lockdown and can't have visitors M said they are for the Wednesday night visitors ie when they all go there for dinner. Again, doesn't include me. I became anxious and very quiet, wanted to leave. Maybe M picked up on it as he was affectionate toward me. Arm around me. Finally 1/2 time and we leave to get home before curfew. Sis' bf asks why we're leaving, everyone points out we have a 9pm curfew. He says no, just sleep over. Nice gesture I guess but not his house to make that call & I'm too old for slumber parties. I want a quiet life, not a party life. Clearly he's right at home there. More than I am. I know these are all just my thoughts and feelings but it just consolidates how they're a 3some, spend more time together & I'm just M's partner. The guest, the one who doesn't like stuff everywhere, the one who has to go home and be on my own while they have fun. When we left sis said it was nice to see me again. I wonder what they really think about me not going over much anymore?
It's like dating M as an 18yo again.