Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thank you SN. You are so sweet.

RX, yeah a bit if shock may have made him think. We did have a nice day. A walk, lunch and movie at mine. I was very very quiet, he kept asking why. He made a few references to US, making a point of it meaning him and I. He knows I'm thinking of selling when older daughter finishes school this year. He said he's thinking the same thing. Sell, pay back sis so she can build her dream home, have no mortgage. O was surprised. He asked if we both did that and downsized who would live at who's place. I said we'd have to work that out but again, it's not an option with both our kids. We spoke again about the sleepover, he knew I was still upset about it. He said if his son didn't come he probably would have stayed over. I don't know. Everything different in hindsight.

[CMF]

Maybe discussions are happening. Sis has always wanted to build her dream home where the family home is, or 2 townhouses. M said she wants her forever home to be exactly how she wants it. She couldn't just buy any house and live in it. She's very particular. I'm surprised considering the crap she leaves everywhere. To build she'd need money, which she put into his place so he didn't have to sell. He's now saying he might sell, move into to townhouses they have. Give her money back and she can build. Said it's only fair she gets that back. Maybe he adked if she wanted to buy him out? Maybe he's finally realised enough is enough and something has to change. Yesterday was the 1st time I've been there in over a month. Maybe he realised?, I don't know why he didn't sell and move into the towhouse when he divorced. I know the Reno and pool had just Bern finished. I know he didn't want the kids to have to move, but it was 2 streets away and next door to sis. It was her idea to buy in and move in. If they're gonna sell now what was the point? She couldn't wait to move in and take over the role of mother and 'wife' as she was in a non relationship with her ex. Maybe she finally wants to be alone with her bf, doesn't need her brother's attention too. Maybe the penny's dropped. I did point out to M that he needs to consider how decisions and situations affect me too. That there are two of us in this relationship and how I feel about things is also important. So far I feel everything is about them doing what they want to suit themselves, especially with sis controlling everything. Maybe he did get a shock when I said there might not be a sleepover next week. I know it's alot of maybes. He kept asking what was wrong today, hugging me, kissing me.

Has it finally gotten through? Is she finally ready to move on with her own life? The sooner she's out the better.

Who knows.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

Oh yeah nah he def got a shock , that didn't hurt for sure.

Who knows though l mean you might be right about sis now God knows daresay it'll come out . But yeah gees why didn't he just use the town house. l suppose a house and pool are better though eh, who knows , ask him.

Anyway at least some pennies are dropping for sure, and at least sis could be on the way out the door not too faraway too - that's huge right. He's def' starting to take your stuff more seriously too for sure .

Maybe some progress hey.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah and you know what. When i do tell him things that upset me i do see him make an effort to change. He admits his faults and so do i. I know all i seem to do is whinge about him but i do believe when sis moves on it will be different. Hopefully i'll be able to pop ion and not have her nose in everything and if he starts sleeping over, which looks like he will, well that gives us more time to be together alone.

I was really proud of him yesterday, thinking g about the future and what to do with he house etc. Maybe i don't give him enough credit but I do see him change his thinking when i show or tell him different thigs. He does listen, maybe just not so good at showing things at times. I have to admit too, that i can be negative, anxious and I'm REALLY good at making up situations in my head that are not real or true. I can't help that and how things make me feel but at least i can be open with him and honest with myself.

cmf x

[CMF]

Not so long ago Tess pointed out that I've been excluding myself which makes me feel more alienated and not a part of anything. As we know, My reasons are I have so little time with him that when I do I don't always want the family crowd. They don't get it and don't care so I've been drastic and not gone there at all. I know if he sleeps over and we have more alone time our connection will become stronger and hopefully I won't feel so annoyed by the others. It might feel like a normal relationship. He hasn't objected to coming to mine every Friday. I think he understands why. Weekends are ours. I hope his talk about the house yesterday means she's thinking of moving. It could mean she's gonna stay there till she builds. That won't be good. Not sure where their mum will live if she builds where the house is. Either way, surely she'll want to move back into her own house and be alone with her bf. Surely.

[Guest_1584]

lt's very understandable though . Funny , known a few really social types in relationships and l always wonder , don't they want the other side, don't they miss it , you know, hth do they tick . lt's mind boggling to me. But at least he sounds like he wants to try , sounds like they're both getting the message , and maybe her and the new bf are getting more serious too.

Anyway , we can say one thing cm, you guys keep getting past things so that's a really good sign right.

Take care

rx

[CMF]

Yeah you're right rx.

I'm also really aware that sometimes the way we feel toward/about others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

I asked if he wanted to sleep over tomorrow night. He looked surprised haha but said 'yep, let's do it'. I think he was too scared to say no bahaha.

[CMF]

Well, we had our sleepover haha.

Was a lovely night and morning. Dinner, breakfast...

M mentioned that he knows I can't stay angry at him, nor him at me although he said I don't do anything that would make him angry. I found it interesting that he mentioned it again. It must have concerned him as he usually let's things go. I adjed6if he was surprised I invited him to sleep over again. He said yes.

Maybe he did realise how much the whole incident hurt me.

Don't want to jinx it, but it was a step forward.

Cmf

[CMF]

Productive weekend catching up on things around the house. As we are in lockdown we couldn't go for our usual drive si it was a nice walk, lunch and and a movie at mine. Asked M if he'd want to sleep over again. His answer was yes. Human, we may have started something.

I haven't seen his sis for over a month. Have only been to his house once(glad she wasn't there) since I re decorated the bedroom. It has been nice to have a break from her, to have time with M that doesn't involve her.

I hope they are getting the message.

I do have Sunday night blues and anxiety.

[startingnew]

Still here and reading CMF xox

its good youve had a productive weekend, im sorry about the sunday night blues though. Can you do something nice for yourself?

We are in lockdown here too and i spent the entire weekend at home doing nothing waiting on covid results. I dont do well sitting around for to long so was quite a challange for me too