Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

please wake up, I know you are in the process of that but. “ he supports you but isn’t supportive”.... what the he is not supportive of you at all. He may well be a kind and lovely man, but he is not meeting your needs at all, nor does he seem that interested in that. He doesn’t offer EMPATHY, your words. I know the relationship ending will be very painful especially as it is the second time around, but you can’t go on being disregarded like this.

this is undervaluing you as a person let alone as a partner.

I am very concerned for your well being. Has he any insight????

tess

[CMF]

Agree, agree. He has no insight. Oblivious. Last night we had dinner at mine wasn't sure if his son was coming so put it out there that he could sleep over. We chatted about it he said if his son was busy and didn't come he could. He asked if my little miss would be ok with it, yes. He said I could tell her my bf was sleeping over. We did discuss we are in lockdown, nowhere for his son to go. Anyway, he turned up for dinner...with his son. Have to say I was a little disappointed. I know I invited his son but M could have said he was sleeping here. His son is 18. I joked and asked M if he chickened out. He just laughed. He's cycling this morning, i asked if he would have brought his bike here, he just laughed. No answers, no conversation, just a laugh. I'm trying so hard to make 'us' more than just a Sunday date but as always he has extras tagging along. Maybe I need to tell him I'm questioning our relationship and what he wants? He shows me he loves me with lovely gifts, he tells me with lovely words. We have beautiful romantic Sunday's together. Maybe he felt bad leaving his boys home alone if sis wasn't there, so what happens if/when she moves out? Will he never sleep here? I dont think I'd leave my 18yo daughter on her own, but she's a girl on her own. He has 2 adult boys. I've been prepared to wait and see how it goes if/when she moves out but...

Are we really going to have to wait till the kids move out before we are really together? I know he's excited about spending nights together, I have no doubt but I'm confused.

I'll need to ask him as I'm sure he was oblivious cos everything with him is 'whatever'

[CMF]

I did it. I went there and confronted him about last night. He was showing me the finished bedroom with the rug and picture. He said he lives his room and I asked if that's why he didn't sleep over. He looked away, laughed and said yeah, he loves his room too much. I stood firm, arms crossed. I asked again, he hugged me and said he couldn't be bothered thinking what to pack. I said seriously, it was 1 night, how much do you need to pack. He then said he had his son. He would have to being him home and come back. I told him not to use his son as an excuse, he's 18 he could have told him he's sleeping at mine. M said ok, we'll do it next week. Told him may not be next week. He stopped and asked what I meant. Told him I may not ask again next week. That if he couldn't be bothered this week why would I bother next week? We had coffee, I put on a happy face, he said he loved me I left. I started thinking and messaged him saying if he cant be bothered making the effort to let me know. He said truth is he wants to be sure his son is OK with it as he doesn't want him to feel abandoned like his mother did to him. We messaged, told him I understand. I later told him we may need a break tomorrow as he lied to my face about his reasons and we're both big on honesty. After 3 years I deserve more not made up bs suggesting I wasn't worth the effort of packing a few things.

[Guest_1584]

Ahh cm , afraid so.

He has this weird idea that he can just put his head in the sand , just nod and nice his way around it all and be off on his merry way.

l'm really sorry , this fellas really gonna take some training butttt, Sunday tomorrow and that usually pans out nice for ya , have a good one hey.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Sorry cm your last post came in just as l was posting that one.

The son thing is understandable but ldk why he hasn't explained all that to you a long long time ago and formed some sort of plan around things so that you two can have your time too. l mean like yrs ago.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

yeah work in progress. He messaged later saying we didn't have alone time last night for him to tell me and he wanted the right time. He asked what i thought a break would do but if ifelt I deserved more and a break gave me me that then fine. I called, he said He was surprised I suggested it as we havnt been discussing it. I understand these thing but told him I didn't appreciate the lie that made me feel I wasn't worth the effort. He did have an opportunity to tell me last night as his son was with my daughter be he felt caught off guard. I admitted he likes to look invincible, I guess what his ex did has affected him more than realise. He did speak to his son who was fine with it. He did ask what I want to do about tomorrow told him I guess he can come over. His reaction when I said may not be a next week surprised me. He looked a little shocked. He did apologise but I did point out not being bothered was a horrible feeling for me.

I was really prepared to let go. I won't tolerate bs excuses. I want him to realise he shouldn't be do over confident that I'll just tolerate crap.

My benchmark is sis moving out this year. I'm prepared to wait it out and see.

[CMF]

To be fair, I wasn't ready to have him sleep over previously. We briefly mentioned it a month or so ago so yeah, he's had time to think about or discuss his concerns with me and his son. When I brought it up a month ago we didn't get into a conversation (of course), he did make mention of me sleeping there now his bedroom is all nice. Not gonna happen with his sis there. Speaking of bedroom, he moved a couple of things around, no big deal,but the way he said it I knew his sis moved them, they were too perfect. The way he said it, he knows where I stand with her interference. Don't think he would dare tell me she did it. He should know better by now.

Walking fine line. I realised today I can let go. I can wait and see, got no where else to be,not interested in meeting anyone else. I can wait and see, but I can let go.

No one controls my happiness and what I know I deserve.

[startingnew]

Im not sure what to say that might help but im here and listening CMF, sitting through the ups and downs with you xox

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , l do know what you mean cm.

Even with what l was saying in my thread yesterday , l am still in control of myself either way things work out ,l don't have any hopes up and l know l will go on should l have too from here whichever way we go.

And fair enough to with any sleeping over or time sure and it's also so tricky again with kids involved on top of it.

ps , l think a bit of a shock might be a good thing too by the way.

Have a nice Sunday.

rx

[CMF]

Sunday. Whoopedo.

Yeah, that's what I think of it today. I think I should have stuck with having a break today so I don't have to try and be fake all day. I could have continued with cleaning out my cupboards.

Maybe I won't be fake. I don't really have much to say so I won't.