Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I'm over thinking. Seems her bf is t her a lot,maybe stayed during lockdown. Hes a chef and been cooking for them. Went over for f & c last night as it was hot and M said come for a swim. M's bday came up as its next Friday. Apparently wrre having salmon for dinner (seems bf is cooking) and sis adked M what cake he wanted. I piped up and said I was gonna get a cake. There was surprise, clearly they'd been organising with no consideration of me. His son asked M for a lift accross town but he said no cos he can't sit in the car too long with his bad back. Other son on his L's suggested he could drive, again it was no. Again no consideration of the fact I was there for dinner. His sis and bf took him. M &little miss swam and I cleared the dishes. Later little miss and other son were playing computer so M & I finally sat together to watch tv and of course sis and bf get back. I jokingly/sarcastically commented that we had a whole 5 mins together. Earlier told us about the new supermarket near my place that he loves and wants to start using regularly. My joke/sarcastic comment was that I may get a visit now and then. Part of the reason he quit his study was to make more time for us, but I don't see him anymore than normal. Too much fun at his Eve now the bf is there too. Why come see me? Clearly I have nothing to offer as I wasn't included in any bday plans. M mentioned to the bf that he and I are gonna retire in the new area where thst supermarket is.i said yeah, cos we'll be 80 before we ever live together. Seriously, we need more alone time before we think of living together. I don't h as he minutes what it's like to really be with him cos of his sis living there. Our week st the beach was amazing, but holidays are. I know he's wonderful but whatd6itvrezly like to be just us, no third parties? I have no idea. I can't just do things on a whim like he does. I know now he still doesn't really get me, so I'm not sure .

[CMF]

so today was better. I've had such a crappy week, and I admit it. M and I planed lunch and a movie. He came over and as my daughter was working we actually had alone time, first time in about 6 weeks. I had a little cry when eh hugged me. I hate when we argue and i think he sensed it. I asked if he still loved me and he laughed and asked 'still'? We had some much needed alone time then headed off to lunch. M shared some shocking news with me re one of his close friends. It was something he found out about a week ago but didn't want to tell me over the phone. The news was so shocking, it made me cry. He has shred it with only me as he is not allowed to discuss it and i realised he has been holding onto this all week. I saw how down it made him. I', still reeling from it. I can see how heavily the news is weighing on him, all we can do is pray for a positive outcome. My daughter is apparently working every Sunday, so M and I may actually have some alone time on Sundays moving forward. I joked about this and told him my manifesting ha worked! I did point out that after a fantastic week away we have not had 5 mins to ourselves since. We did laugh as we headed to the bedroom and he brought his phone in. when i asked why he said someone may ring and it may be important. I questioned who and he said one of his boys. No i said his boys are almost 18 & 20 and they will be fine, they do not need him every minute. I asked if he was seriously going to stop and answer his phone/text while we are in the middle of... Unless someone is dying it is not important. I told him sternly this is MY/OUR time ONCE A WEEK and i am not going to have it interrupted, that I'm sick of being the one who is asked to wait. I told him on Sunday, others can wait,not me! We were able to laugh about it, and i will enforce it, nicely, as a rule every week until he gets it.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am glad you can be assertive and have a laugh. We have only had mobiles for what 20 years yet we are so dependent on them.

It is good M can share very important information with you. I am glad you are feeling better.

[CMF]

I just miss him. When I see his serious, sensitive, vulnerable side I love him even more. When he's always happy and p positive, and everything's 'awesome I get annoyed at times. I know its6good to be p positive but everything is not always awesome and saying everything's awesome doesn't make it so. I actually dislike the word awesome, I feel it's really overused. He came past tonight to pickup something he left yesterday. He was upbeat and happy (maybe to see me) but it was like the shocking news didn't happen. I've been flat today because of it, and it's his hood late. M was just normal. I like his vulnerable side cos I can give him support and care. When he's happy asnd positive I can't do t that. I think that's why I get annoyed with his sis. I want to care for him and give him things not her..

[BlackRose351]

I feel so alone............

[Sophie_M]

Hi BlackRose,

Welcome to the fourms - we're glad that you've reached out here tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone tonight. We understand how tough it can be to feel isolated. Please know that you've come to the right community. Our members are friendly, welcoming, and non-judgemental.

However, our community is not an immediate source of support, and it can sometimes take a couple of days to receive replies. However, please know that there is support available to you. You are always welcome to get in touch with Lifeline. Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can call them 24/7 on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

You may also consider joining a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​You can find information on support groups available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

We would also like to welcome you to start a thread of your own in order to share your story and seek support from the community.

[smallwolf]

hi cmf,

I read about the conversation you had about MY TIME. Good on you. Even married couples sometimes have that chat. Things can get busy and we can forget about the other person. Not intentionally. And so a gentle reminder is .... good.

Tim

[CMF]

Its amazing what some one on one time can do. After our beautiful day last Sunday I've felt so much more connected to M this week. Today is his bday. We had a beautiful dinner cooked by his sis bf. He loves The gift I have him. Said I always buy him the perfect gift. The sis didn't bother me, I'm his woman, I'm gonna make sure I'm first. Not gonna let myself feel second. Sis finally got her car today after months of stuffing around. I wasn't gonna let it overshadow his bday. Next weekend is her body building comp and week after her belated 40th bday party. 3 weeks of getting her stuff out of the way then hopefully won't have to hear about it anymore. Only thing that annoyed me tonight was M's son telling M he had to take him somewhere on Sunday. I didn't quite hear where but Sunday is our day and it annoys me how he didn't ask M if he could take him but told him he had to. M didn't say yes or no but when I asked later what hed6lije to do he said a winery would be nice as his back is feeling better when he drives plus my daughter is working so we should have alone time again. I want to feel more connected. It's made me realise why his sis bugs me so much. It's not necessarily her, it's the lack of one on one time M & I have , the lack of attention to us which makes all the attention she gets from him heightened. MY mind is clearer, I'll be making sure we have OUR time, I want OUR time. I deserve it just as much as anyone else

[Guest_1584]

Haaa , don't worry it's pretty obvious why sis would get on your nerves,

But anyway , it sounds like you'll go on chiselling away at the m factor,,,, and one of these days you two will be at one and into a life and world of your own, and that is bloody great. Good for you cm.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah, we will. Today we had alone time, a beautiful lunch an shopped at the supe r market. WHEN we got back to mine he helped me fix my rrollerblind. I was standing in a step, which made me taller than him (like his sis). He came over to kiss and hug me and commented that he liked me that height. All I could think to say was that he liked every thing I'm not. He knew what I meant as he said don't be silly, it was a joke. I'm not tall or fit, don't have the latest apple phone or a gutsy expensive car. I'm complete opposite. I know he loves me for who I am but I wonder, if we didn't already know each other and mer6as strangers would he have given me a and look?

Oh well.