Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

please do not go down the what if , if we did not already etc, way of thinking. M loves just as you are and do not let insecurities get to you. You are kind and loyal . Those things you don’t have are possessions or superficial,

[CMF]

Hello Quirky,

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, you are so right. M wants loyalty, love, respect, as do I. I'm feeling really tired and overthinking. I guess once again i feel like everything he likes is what his sis has/is, which is the opposite to what i am/have. He does compliment me but i struggle with hearing why don't i get...or hearing he likes something i am not, even if he does say it jokingly.

[CMF]

So sis body building comp is this Sunday and it's not far from my house. M suggested tonight that I could meet them there. Sounds like they want to go in 1 car and I don't fit. What the??? He then said no, I could meet them at his place but I suggested they could pick me up on the way. Wow, were they thinking of going together and expecting me to go on my own? Surely they can take 2 cars cos I won't be gping on my own, not when they practically have to go past my place to get there. I'm already over it, can't wait till it's done.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I haver never been to a body building competition, have you ..?

[CMF]

Hi Quurky5,

Hehehe, no I haven't and not really interested to be honest. Although she looks good it is extreme and do unhealthy. She is not super big and muscley but instead slender and toned. However the prep for comp is crazy. It involves pretty much starving yourself to slim right down, then no liquids for last 3 days to dehydrate the body so the veins pop. It's so unhealthy. You then need to ease out of the strict dieting so the body can adjust otherwise you just vomit. Any fat consumed the body then hold on to as it has been starved for so long. It's unrealistic to maintain cos as soon as you return to some sort of normal diet the body holds onto it all. Asked M tonight what the plan is for Sunday. He sounded annoyed and said 'I'll come and get you'. Not sure why the strange tone.. Almost felt it was a bother to pick me up even though its6on the way but I feel it wasn't his idea for me to meet them there. As he said yesterday I can meet them there. Meet THEM there. The arrangement didn't include me. I reckon they were going in one car but that would mean sitting thru 3 hours of it when she's on for 20 mins. I will get to the bottom of it!

[CMF]

Let's get this day over with so we can stop having our food sniffed and seeing it all over social media. I am little excited for her and hope she does well but I am over it.

[CMF]

Done and dusted. I felt for her so much. She is looking so thin for her 6ft 3 height after eating next to nothing over the last week and no fluids since Friday night. She came 5th out of 6 people in one category and didn't place in the other. She admitted was shaking and she felt like passing out on stage. I thought it was disappointing for her after all the work she did and losing almost 25 kilos. She needs to ease out of the strict diet and cannot have salt yet as her liver may go into shock after no fluids for 36 hours. It's crazy and I'm actually worried for her.

[quirkywords]

CMF it sounds like body reducing not body building. No fluid for 36 hrs is that a rule or just what she did. Are there doctors involved. I would be worried to. Sounds extreme.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky my friend,

It is a requirement so the veins pop, just as the strict diet and fake tan makes the muscles stand out. It is all controlled bu the trainers, it is how they prep for comp. She said that in her first category all the judges were looking at her ( it was her first appearance on stage but in her second none of them looked at her). I felt for her. Despite me always saying that i get annoyed with her and that i get annoyed with her attention seeking behavior she did work so hard for this and I know it would have been a disappointing result. She did get 2 big medals and M did point out when we got home that she didn't do it to win, however i know that she like to succeed in all she does so i think deep down she may have been upset. I am genuinely worried for her health. I know she does not want to go back to the size she was but to maintain the size she is will be alot of work. She is too thin for her height. I have had an eating disorder and was underweight in my 20's. I hope he doesn't develop a disorder in order to maintain her weight. She did say she is addicted to the training but she is so thin and the diet that goes with this training is crazy. I made a point at home of congratulating her and telling her she did us proud. she deserves that x

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm.

Was that a misprint or is she really 6ft 3 ? lf she is man that's a tall woman isn't it . l thought she'd had been smallish , petitish, dunno why, is m tall?

Anyway , next time l see a body builder they'll certainly have my sympathy , sounds crazy torture. Amazing what people do isn't it. rx