Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I feel like I want to end my relationship with M. I'm sick of interruptions, sick of hearing and getting photos of them having fun while I'm struggling at home. Sick of how easy they have it while I'm falling apart. Sick of him not realizing how I sensitive he is

[CMF]

I fear that after 2 &1/2 years he still doesn't really know me. Everything for him is positive and fortunate and doesn't know how to adjust when things aren't so great for me. He feels sorry for people who haven't been as lucky as him but he doesn't really know how to show empathy. For me It's been a constant internal battle dealing with his sister. He always says how great I am, so considerate and sensitive toward others, but I'd li k e some of that back sometimes. I can't keep being sensitive and compassionate and not get it back from him. He's not good with that stuff, and that's ok but to send me photos of them having fun when I've had such a rough week is too much. He might say sorry but if he doesn't understand it means nothing. He was so confident we'd be together again when we reconnected 2&1/2 years ago, even cocky and I don't feel we've progressed at all. Just same stuff different day.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

Sorry to hear that but your not weird it's very understandable one of the most precious things between two people is feeling understood and getting each other , well to me anyway. And it's also only natural of course you need real time together and to be building on that too. We're missing out on that too atm she;s stuck in Sydney with her legal dramas now and for who knows how long . But we have had a solid mth to 2 mths together every mth or two right through till now so at least we've had a lot of real life, could be a stint this time though damn it.

Would it help if he wasn't living with her like , enough l mean ? He'd still be on his phone with it all but at least it'd be your lives , can't remember how far off you said that day will be buttttt,,,, l suppose that's what you'd have to think about bc she'll be outa the way one bloody day surely . rx

[CMF]

It would make a huge difference if she didn't live there. He sent me photos of them all having fun after I'd told him what a tough day I had. Him, his sis, her nd and his boys. He thought it would give me a laugh. It's great to be happy but he needs to also be considerate of how I'm feeling. When he isn't I shut down, he says when I'm like that he shuts down. To top it off while I was ranting thry were all in the pool. I wonder if he told them all. He can't read me, still hasn't worked out if I'm feeling crap not to send me photos of them having fun. We went thru all this last lockdown, he said he understood. I need compassion and sensitivity back, cant keep giving and not having it reciprocated . He says how living and great I am around his family but I need something back. I have to understand and accept his living situation but I need some understanding too. I'm so sick and sad.

[CMF]

After all the discussions we've had I don't think he's clicked that I hate his sis being there I dont6think anything has sunk in. He's got not idea, still, how it makes me feel.

Omg, nothing has registered or maybe he choses not to face the facts as he has told me he sweeps things under the carpet .Now our kids and their friends are all best mates and hanging out all the time. This is not just me having a bad week, it deeper than that and I don't think he sees it.

[Guest_1584]

Nah it's more than rug sweeping but eh at least he admits he does do that. unfortunately this is like we were talking about way back about space and people people and all that . Maybe they can learn how to adapt to the other ones ways and cater for it better but that's usually just parrot fashion doesn't mean they understand it any better . Sorry not what you need to hear l know

[CMF]

When I was ranting about work he told me I need to speak up cos if they don't know nothing will change . How ironic. I've spoken to him about the same issues several times and yet nothing's changed.

When I work from home and he knows how busy I am o hate when he calls me at 4pm when he's finished. He knows I'm still working. It's like he's trying to get the call out of the way so I it doesn't interfere with their family play time.

[Guest_1584]

Ya thiunk, damn ,for a minute there l was hopin it'd be bc he missed ya. But anyway yeah see bc that's just the way he is he'll keep just slipping back into that until it's embedded into that noggin, could take awhile .

[CMF]

He may have called at that time cos he knew I was having a bad day but I can't help feel it was cos sis' bf was there and he was gonna be busy with them. Clearly he was having fun. God forbid I should interrupt. Seriously, he knows how busy I am so why call when I'm still on work time? That would be like me calling him during his Saturday morning bike ride. I know he can't answer.

[CMF]

Our Friday night fish n chips was meant to be something M & I did as a family with our kids. When we do it at his the sis and bf are there now too.i know he can't tell them not to stay but She infiltrates every part of our relationship.

Her relationship with her bf is progressing but mine & M's isn't.