Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

That stuffs so hard cm. But it's so hard too to believe we went though it all too. My d just broke with the bf too on top of huge other MH things she's going through though too and it would've just helped soooooo much , if the bf just worked out, so sad for her just the final straw adding to it all. We're crazy with worry. rx

[Moonstruck]

Dear CMF...my heart goes out to you....I understand completely..I have always felt the same protective urge to "fix things" for my sons in similar situations..one of the hardest things about being a mother...he will get through this..I get you....xx

[CMF]

Hi rx

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's break up too. You are right, we did go through it too. Gee,my break up at3the same was with M. I was shattered, maybe thstd6what triggered me? Hope your daughter gets thru all this.

Hi Moon,

Thank you too. Yes, I know you've done the same with your son. It hurts so much as a parent too. Gosh, it never ends.

Love you guys

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

PS , mind you though, if he was good for her it would've been so nice , but we're pretty sure he actually brought on what she's going through now so in that way def' on the other hand prayin they don't work it out. rx

[CMF]

So I lost it a bit today. Last night I called M but he couldn't talk and said he'd ring back as his neighbour had walked in and needed a friend. It didn't bother me, the poor guy had had a rough time of late. M didn't get a chance to call bavj6but he apologised and it was fine. It's Valentine's Day and as we are in a short lockdown again M and I couldn't go out as planned so he came over and we had lunch here. We went for a walk to buy lunch and on the way home were talking about his ex wife as he wants to end the cold war between them. During our chat we were interrupted by a text message which ended our chat. It was from sis ' bf asking a question that could have waited. I told M to tell him that it's Valentine's Day and it's Sunday - the only day we spend together and we are busy. His question can wait. M said I being precious, It was 1 text (he's forgotten other interruptions in the past). I said yes, I am being precious. I pointef out they have lots of private time, he is at their house during the week, he can ask his question any day/time of the week but it had to be on a Sundaywhen we are having our time together. So now I gotta deal with the sis and the bf. Far out. When M left I told him he could answer his text messages and he's lucky we weren't out for lunch as planned. Seriously, they have no idea. Ask your stupid questions another time.
I so frickin grumpy.
On a positive. M is planning his son's bday as s said we can have lunch there to speak to the events person. They're not keen on 18th party but M said we can havd6a chat and assure her its mainly family and not a rowdy group. I'm surprised he wants me to go and not his sis, although she made the enquiry as she's also rebooking her 40th. Last year my little miss wasn't invited. Only her cousins kids were, this time little miss is invited so her cousins kids have company. Go figure.

[CMF]

His phone went off twice while we were eating but he didn't look at it after my comments. I don't understand, if you know someone is with their partner, whom they don't see a lot of, why send a message that is not important? Clearly learning from his sis that there are no boundaries. I also pointed out to M that I'm sure when sis and bf are out, he doesn't message her for things that cam wait.

What a crap day.

[quirkywords]

CMF

Apart from I interruptions with text, was it enjoyable or spoiled.

Sorry this happened.
how is lockdown going..?

[CMF]

Hi Quirky.

I feel it was spoiled cos of how it made me feel/react. I was also annoyed with M as he went for a 2 hour cycle despite saying he wasn't going to cycle for a month due to his back issue.on our walk, talking about his ex, he told me his mum and sis helped her so much with the the kids and that he could do whatever he wanted cos he could always leave the kids with them. He says he feel for or people who didn't have that, like me, but I don't think he really knows what it's like. He's had it so easy, sis even helped financially after his divorce. I've had none of that. He empathises but has no idea. It upsets me, thats6why he's always so happy. Nothing's been hard for him except what ex wife did. She was a hypochondriac, and hard work after having kids, but he stuck by her till she cheated and left.

I'm a little anxious with the lockdown as I'm starred my new role at work and now I'm working alone at home. I'm worried about stuffing up even though my colleague is a phone call away. Also need IT to call m e and set me up properly with the computers I brought home from work as it's really hard to work from a lap top with the work we need to do..

[CMF]

Today was tough. Work from home but not properly set up. Remote learning so little miss asking questions. I lost it. It was hard but M's sis thinks we should suck It up cos we chose to be parents and part of parenting is teaching your kids.. big call from a person who has no kids and who's never had to do it and who would leave her kid with her mum if she did have to. Working from home and schooling from home is unexpected but we should suck It up. Clueless.

It was a really tough day.

[quirkywords]

CMF

working from home and home schooling is very hard and it often means doing both jobs but not as well as you want to.

I think for people not aware of the expectations for home schooling and working from home means they are unable to understand how difficult it is.

I hope your day tomorrow is better.