Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So I'm on annual leave and really flat. Our kids have gone away with friends for a few days. Little miss had a friend over today and M was going to pop in however he's hurt his back and can't move. These holidays are becoming a drag. I offered to go over and help him but of course his sis is home, so who needs me?
Next week we all go away for the week. 7 d days all under one roof. God I hope it's not a long week. I'm not really feeling very excited about it.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I have just checked that your thread is coming up for 4 years towards end of Feb. That is a huge achievement .

Do you ever look back to early threads to see how much you and your life has changed, and what themes are still the same.

Well done for writing so honestly and clearly. As you know many more people read and do not post so you would have had many reading your words over the years.

I hope your week goes well and you can focus on having fun and wnjoying Ms company,

[CMF]

My dear friend Quirky,

Thank you. I do come across an older post at times and realise how far I have come
I am definitely blessed and have many things to be grateful for. I know my feelings toward the sis stem from a bit of jealousy and I often try to work out why, however I still maintain her interruptions and lack of regard for our time is rude and selfish. As much as I enjoy one on one time with her she does thrive on attention and most conversations are about herself and something she's done or what someone said to her about herself etc. I was a little peeved for a different reason tonight. M has complained a few times that her protein drinkbottles are all over the house. He has hurt his back and been In pain all week. I've never seen him like this. We were there for a swim today and dinner. His cousin and family also. After dinner sis showered and got ready to go out. I went in and cleaned up in the kitchen so M wouldn't have to do it. Of course her protein drink bottles were there to be washed and some dishes. It occurred to me that I've never seen her do housework besides her washing. She knows M is in pain but made no attempt to clean up her things in the kitchen. It may be trivial but her body building stuff is everywhere and as she owns half the house you'd think that she help keep it tidy. There's stuff everywhere. M said in front of her the protein bottles all over the house are annoying but she didn't care. He drove out today to pick up her protein powder, which stuffed his back, so she could do her training and yet she still left crap lying around. All about her. She also wears low cut bikinis with her a type of shirt/dress that fastenes below the bust and is then wide open. In front of others she pins it closed around the pubic area but with M she leaves it open so you see her low cut bikinis.bottoms. Due to the style your eyes are drawn exactly to the area below her belly button. It's also white and see through. I find it embarrassing and I'm quite uncomfortable about it. Why would you walk around like that in front of your own brother? I know she wants to show off her new body but I'm uncomfortable seeing her in it. Wonder how he feels about it. I also don't get why they have to kiss each other when she is goes out and comes home. They are seriously like a married couple.

[Moonstruck]

Dear CMF...is it absolutely necessary for them to live in the same house? Has M ever considered breaking away so he can have a completely independent life with you and you alone? (I may not be completely clear in the domestic situation here, but why is she living with him?).....re the revealing bikini and kissing hello and goodbye..as I've said before, she has an insecurity problem, or an attachment problem, or fear of abandonment problem....whatever it is, it is not YOUR problem, nor HIS.....so something's gotta give one day....just hope it is not too unpleasant...but I feel things will come to a head eventually....it has to....good luck.....

[CMF]

Hi dear Moon,

She lives there as she bought onto his house when he was going through his divorce so the ex wife coukd be paid out and he and his boys could stay in their home It was her idea to buy in and move in I tho so she could rent her house to help pay the mortgage.
It's her bikini bottoms thst are low cut with and open shirt for all to see.

It will come to a head. Wonder what her bf thinks?

I'm just in a bad mood.

[CMF]

Today we leave for our week down at the beach. M and his family have done this every year since he was a kid. He messaged me this morning and told me 'how exciting '. I'm not feeling it. I'm sure we'll have a good time but atm all i see is a long week away from home. His sis and her diet/exercise/food sniffing. Her skimpy bikini on the beach. I'm a little an anxious, teary, flat. I wish it were only 4 days like last year but it's 6. 6 long days.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ohhh l hate that feeling cm. Don't go through it anymore but in the past there were ahhh,, times. Anyway, well that sounds like one nice bikini haha bur eh , if my sister was wearing it around me umm, l'd def' have to do something , very very just well , off , weird , don't know.

Thank the gods my lady only has one son and he lives in another state. One very big stipulation after divorce for me was if there was going to be someone new one day she's not gonna have tribes of kids and family . One kid at most and any family safely at arms length and she'd be well n truly weened of them and more interested in her life and ours. l suppose it's really nice for people who really enjoy so much family stuff but l sat through 22yrs of it and no way l was goin there again it's just not for me and l'd well n truly paid my dues .

Anyway , hope it turns out ok and maybe eh , you even have a good time. rx

[CMF]

She is seriously in love with him. Kisses him Goodmorning, suggested they buy 2 townhouses side by side down here at the beach. This is first time we've spent nights together on bed. I'm gone to bed, they are watching tv. She seems to want to plan a future with him.

I just Wanna go home.

[Guest_1584]

oh cm , that is just bloody weird. And you finally have some whole nights and he watches tv with the sister, that's it l'm coming over to bang on that head of his with a brick. Where's the damn bf anyway didn't he go ? But alas , l think you must be right , brother love , crikey . Sooner he thanks her muchly and buys her out the better.

Hoping you can make something of the holiday anyway eh. rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

He saw I was upset this morning and I was able to tell him that I was waiting for him to come to bed. He knew how tired I was and wanted to let me sleep. Her bf only stayed a night. Today was better, we went for a walk, he took little miss for a bike ride then the 3 of us sat at a cafe. Beach this arvo and lovely dinner with the family. At dinner she put the food on his plate, asked why he had no salad and as we talked about the things kids got UP to as toddlers she made a point of being the one who was there when his son tool his 1st step. It was cos of her. She's posting on social met iu a About going to the gym and here and telling us about who follows her and how they can't recognise her cos of her transformation. I've noticed she does no dishes. Eats, sits down or dries her hair. She has separate meals and never feel washes her pan, leaves it on the cook top and I do it. Tonight I left it and her mum ended up soaking it. I clean up out of appreciation of the holiday but does ZERO, no clean up at all. Sits like a princess. Hate to be think how much M does at home. She's all about her body building, her car and putting it all on social media.