Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi friends,

Today I was going ro throw out the cards M had given me over the years but before I did I wanted thread them. I couldn't throw them out. The messages were very loving & I feel I kept them to remind myself that his words meant nothing. I didn't feel sad at all.  I also re read the letter I gave him after we split. It was so spot on. His cards were all about how changed his life, Our future, endless possibilities & it just became nothing. I can't believe he said he had no doubts before he went overseas. It's amazing how easily he writes those beautiful cards & how easily he ended things & then how easily he used me for 6 months saying all nice things again.

What an absolutely shallow person.

[CMF]

I'm feeling pretty flat. I think I know why & it's work related. Things are hopefully going to be good & get better. I hope so.

[CMF]

Last weekend S & I went out for brunch. I'd been anxious the week before & he knows I like to get out of the house so out we went. He'd told me the week before he'd wanted to take me out but said I looked too warm & cosy to go out. We talked & talked over brunch, no awkward silence like i had with M. After brunch he helped me with something at home & we just chilled & relaxed for the afternoon. It was so nice. It's just so easy with him. In a month or so my cousin's band is playing again.  S went to school with my cousin & he's contacted some other school friends to try go together to see my cousin. I told S if he wanted to have the night out to catch up with old school friends I didn't have to come. He said no. He wants me to come. So nice that he wants me there.  It reminded me of the time M told me his son wanted all of us to see the new Topgun movie.  I couldn't make it on the Saturday as I had little miss.  I told M to go without me on the Saturday but he said no as it was my bday weekend i think. So they all went on a Thursday...without me. They just went, he messaged me from the movie theatre. Told him it wasn't about all of us going together, it was about them going together.  What a difference 😌

[quirkywords]

Glad you had  nice time with S.

[CMF]

Thank you Quirky.  Yesterday I was thinking how happy I am that I told M exactly what I thought of him & his behaviour.  He's fallen off the pedestal he thinks I have him on. 

How are you Quirky?

[CMF]

Last Saturday S & I went to see my cousins band & he invited some old school friends.  It was a great night. Everyone so happy & having fun. S says really nice things which I know are genuine but something has triggered me. Not sure if I'm sad the fun was short lived or if I'm scared he'll be like M & find me too boring if he has fun. I don't think he will. He toldme he doesn't understand what else M could possibly be looking for. We have such a good understanding. He is honest, doesn't try to be perfect,  isn't showy & a real sweetie. He worries that i worry if we dont speak for a couple of days , which i don't , but he reassures me its ok. He notices little things & is thoughtful. He felt bad for spending so much of Saturday night with his mates but i told him I wanted him to. M couldn't have cared less as long as he was having fun.  I can really be myself with S. Dance, have a few drinks...I couldn't with M.

 Can't quite put my finger on what's triggered me.

[randomxx]

Hiya cm.

Tbh , l get it just from what you've said there and how it seems to me anyway. it's just how to put it. But l think all his niceties subconsciously has you worried about how real he is long term bc of 6yrs with m and all he's nice that was just fake shallow bullshyt. Just bc of all those yrs of m as usual just turning it on and always trying to make sure he was mr nice and all liked and that all his T' n i's were dotted and crossed.

S, well it could just be him but he also sounds to go just that bit over board whether but that is just him though or what no idea it might well be. Time will tell l guess but l reckon that's scaring you a bit subconsciously, worrying your spidey senses.

l had something like that with gf ex tbh myself, half the time l just wasn't sure just how real she really was or whether she was just love bombing me and turning it on or what.

Mind you , could also be a mile off track there about S and whatever it is your feeling.

rx

[Leah]

Hi there, you have genuine concerns and I feel for you. But I do think that you are being way to hard on yourself.  Try to slow down your thoughts and worries.  You sound like a great mum, you obviously love and care deeply for your children and that might make you think of course you do, but there are plenty of mothers that dont love and care the way you do.  Take your time with your plans and keep planning, you will get there. Seek as much vocation advice as you can.  Take time to relax you deserve it. Learn to prioritise yourself sometimes, your kids need you to. Every bit of quite time for you is important to recharge your perspectives and well being.  I wish the best for you because you are obviously worth it. Take care 🙂

[quirkywords]

CMF I find  if things are going well in a relationship I wait for things to wrong. Silly hey. I do worryn

[quirkywords]

I do worry if things are going too well. Well it last etc. This is me and you may not relate but I can understand.