Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎10-12-2024

Can't get away from M. I saw a number plate today that had same letters as his. I remember sis commenting it was almost her initials. Then i bumped into a relo of his whom i loved & who loved me.

quirkywords · ‎10-12-2024

It can be a very small world at times. How did you feel about seeing the relo.Did you have a chat or was it a quick hello.

CMF · ‎10-12-2024

I had a chat. I told her I miss them & think of them often. They're in their 80's. Her hubby is M's dads cousin. He loved me. He told me he was so happy I was with M & after a bbq at their house that I was always welcome at their house. I always talk to people I bump into associated with him. It's just him I want nothing to do with.

CMF

Hi friends,

I've been off doing my own thing lately so hope everyone is well. I'm on annual leave & feeling quite anxious. I probably need to be back at work. I saw M's mum on the weekend. We hugged & she said she misses me as I miss her. My new friend & I are getting along well. We just understand each other & there's no pressure to give or be more than we have the capacity for. My anxiety is stopping me from enjoying life. Little miss started high school & I have redecorated around the house but now I'm lost & confused again.

quirkywords

Cmf

wow little miss starting high school. I recall when she was starting school.

Glad new man and get along do well. I have never found a relationship likeTy

CMF

Interesting how M has now sold the house with sis & doesn't go away with her every Sumner. She went just with her mum. So now he's doing what always wanted goes to show how wrong we were for each other. I was just an ego boost for him & she was his security blanket. They came as a pair/ couple. Oh well, new freind (I'll call him S) and I have no pressure to be anything but ourselves. We give what we can with no expectations. He's honest with where he's at in his life, he's caring, thoughtful & not shallow or showy. Compete opposite to M.

quirkywords

Cmf

Sounds like you and S are taking things slowly and enjoying each other and learning to find out more about each other.

randomxx

Hi there cm .

So l wonder do you know where m lives now then and with who , what happened with the sis thing did the finally separate living ?

But yeah , you guys never were a very good fit it's as simple as that really , even though these things become so complicated l know, until they aren't anymore.

So what is this new guy thing,are you actually together or just platonic friends or?

At any rate , gf x and l still talk a lot and weirdly we're something like you describe too. But l suppose l should stop it as we aren't actually together though, somewhere in the middle so l suppose it'll only hold us from moving on, ldk.

rx

CMF

Hi friends,

I thi know M is living in the place they user to rent out which is next door to sis' house. Not sure if she moved back into her house or not. Be pretty creepy if she's living in the other place with him & his boys still as it's not that big.

My new friend- S- is platonic as we both don't have anything to give for a full on relationship. Having said that we're both not interested in meeting other people, we support each other & he's so understanding. We agreed we don't need to communicate every day but 1 of us always checks in with the other. We have trust, respect, space & he looks out for me. His mum & son are his priority but he still gives me time & attention. I'm not having to compete like I did with sis. We're very similar & we just get each other. There's no pressure, I can talk to him about anything. He doesn't judge, he's caring & not arrogant or showy. He's the exact opposite of M. He doesn't need to be liked or have someone do everything for him. He is a breath of fresh air.

CMF

He's not a people pleaser like M. He shops at Kmart & op shops like me, M would never shop at these places. We can hang out at my place & just be comfortable doing so. He's a simple person like me, doesn't need the newest gadgets or looking for the next new thing like M. He is open about what he has capacity for in our friendship. M used to be annoying when he was drinker, slurring & acting like a teenager. S is a happy drinker. In fact I can hardly tell he's drunk & he let's his guard down & opens up when he is whereas M was all about himself & him having a good time. I've had a few drinks with S a few times now & looks out for me everytime. I never wanted to drink with M. I feel safe with S. M was always about himself. I can have a conversation with S & ask him anything. M's answer to everything was "I don't know".