Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎21-05-2022

Yes, he does have a great knack for that. Oh well, I hold my ground. He did ask if someone could look after little miss. He suggested older d, sis jumped in & said 'her father'. That's when I mentioned son's 21st bday. Anyway, it's a long way away. I have no problem him going but hate that it was already his mind that HE is going then decided to ask me if I wanted to, then he & wifey discussed about us going. I said nothing cos I'm not gonna discuss US or what WE do in front of her. I'm sure M doesn't get involved if her & men are discussing plans.

The 3 of us then sat &watched the footy.

Fun.

CMF · ‎21-05-2022

In fact, if I wasn't there when sis mentioned the wedding, m wouldn't have told me he might be away that weekend & I'd still not know about it lol.

I don't understand her & new man. Are they a couple or not? He seems to do alot of his own thing ie fishing, hunting just like her 1st ex. They're same star sign him & the ex. She's 42, wants kids...

At least he's not in your face like the 2nd ex.

CMF · ‎21-05-2022

Did I mention after dinner she went upstairs to her room but was listening to us talking and kept yelling out her thoughts? We were watching a story on TV about pensioners working part time. I told M I'll be working he said I can work, he'll be a house husband. Told him sounds good & I'd expect dinner prepared and THE HOUSE TIDY & IN ORDER. I made sure she heard that. M said 'no clutter' I said 'yep'.

CMF · ‎21-05-2022

I don't wanna sound mean but if I have my son's 21st that weekend at least wifey won't be there as she had the wedding.

CMF · ‎22-05-2022

M stayed over last night. We watched the footy, his team won. I saw him texting & pretty sure it was to wifey about the footy. He wouldn't text her out of the blue when with me so pretty confident she msgd him first. I'm guessing she was home alone so of course had to make sure she got some attention. When she moved in there she made a point she HAD to follow his footy team with him. Of course, gotta make sure she's a part of his life in every way. I don't follow footy & won't be following his team. I'm 53, my own person. I don't need to follow everything he does to feel secure. Friday night as the 3 of us watched footy he mentioned he'd sleep in Saturday & cycle later. I just nodded but she made a point (as she does) of repeating it back to him, using his name & being so interested/involved like a good wife.

CMF · ‎22-05-2022

I've realised it affects me psychologically, her living with him & playing mum to his adult boys. Day to day he has another woman to share his house with, have dinner with, watch TV with at night, kiss goodmorning/goodnight etc. She is so involved in what her does, never gives us space & listens to our conversations, sometimes interjecting.

She's too much.

quirkywords · ‎23-05-2022

CMF

i had the opposite problem with my brother and his wife. I only see them once or twice a year,as they live over 7 hrs away, but I rarely get a chance to talk to him alone.

I know this is opposite of your situation but maybe there is a Middle ground between no contact or very close contact that intrudes on your relationship.

I see it is becoming more frustrating. My partner said his loyalty and time lies with his wife which is as it should be.

CMF · ‎24-05-2022

Hi Quirky,

I do wonder, if push came to shove, who would he support? Me or her? We know he can't stand up to her but I'm the one he wants to grow old with. I had a dream that the 3 of us were in bed. M in the middle, sis & I either side. I was trying to push her out, telling her to go away & leave us alone. She was fighting to stay in the bed. M was in the middle doing nothing. When we have dinner at his he is in the middle of us. He looks at her more when he talks cos of the angle. I did say once I would change seats & be in the middle of them. It would put a barrier between them & he might look at me more...or look past me. Whenwe sat on the couch to watch footy last Friday he sat with me, her at other end of the couch but he was still in the middle of us. No wonder I had the dream lol. I may ask my card reader if she interprets dreams, although I think this one is pretty clear. I want her to give us space, she wants to hang on.

Guest_1584 · ‎24-05-2022

That's not a dream , that's a nightmare. But it's just your fears understandably

And yeah it's all effected you psychologically, you've been coping with it all so long it'd be hard not to but it's like darts being shot into your very security with m and about you two, so it's not a wonder.

Funny, still think she really like ya in her own annoying way.

CMF · ‎24-05-2022

Haha, yes she does like me. Like a sister, no doubt at all but I'm not his sister I'm his partner & I want space. Funny you mention darts. My first card reading showed knives all around M ,& I. The lady asked if I knew his ex or someone who would wish bad on us. It did cross my mind it may be sis, not in a harmful way, just jealous a little. My friend interpreted my dream. She said it's good as dreams of living people mean the opposite so it could mean she's thinking/planning to moving out. She said if she mentions it again to stroke her ego & tell her she deserves her own space after doing sooooo much for her brother etc.