Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

So much has been happening in your ads life and yours, Do you think when sad things happen around Christmas it just seems even worse.

Congratulations on your Ds results.

Sis reaction to the song could be a coincidence but if not it seems a bit strange.

I hope you get to be with people you can relax with today and not worry too much.

[Guest_1584]

Haa yeah , figured soma that was going on with her too just thinking the present was just a nothing thing or maybe humor though, we'll hope. Funny , went through a lot of that back in the day with my d and her friends they loved staying on mine but one or two were always stamping their territory at our place to the others. Funny wittle creatures with a couple of evil ones thrown in.

No doubt about it wifey's a very strange one with m , God like you need her bs though it's ridiculous . So hard with your d , mine to believe me , l know. Went through very similar with mine and her ex bf although she never did quite love him one of the bigger problems but sadly it all blew up in a really bad bad way in the end. Thk God they seem to have broken ties now. So it's nice they're still on good terms though hope it helps your d through , things will pick up. Takes time doesn't it sadly we wish we could just make life all better for them l know.

rx

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky & rx,

Well there is always something. We went to M's tonight, sis' bf not there again. She's going interstate tomorrow alone for a few days, trip postponed due to Covid. Asked M where bf is and he said they're having some issues. Explains why his name wasn't on gifts. His female house mate moved out recently & he's been weird ever since. Apparently he's been depressed, getting therapy. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life & misses his family overseas. He's telling sis they'll talk each day but he doesn't. He's keeping her in the dark & told friends they're over. Sis spoke to the ex housemate and she told sis to move on forget him & go interstate & have fun cos he's a typical particular type of guy. After dinner last night sis & M's boys went to his house to see if he was ok but didn't go in. Sis didn't sleep all night. He was meant to go visit close friends who live down the beach and didn't go. I reminded M when I had the card reading the woman said the bf wasn't completely being himself & his true colours would come out. She said he'd push to live together but who knows. All I know is if they break up she'll never move out till she meets a guy to live with. Why would she move back into her house on her own when she has an instant family with M? I've seen things in the bf I didn't like, & M knows. His family is o/s & his 20 yr old daughter. What If he decides to go back? Sis is almost 42 & wants kids. I feel for her, I really do but I know this will impact M & I if she keeps living there indefinitely, especially after last night's behaviour. Maybe she does admire me and considers me family but I don't want a relationship of 3 all the time. The hubby/wifey 2 kids set up is creepy.

Cmf x

[CMF]

I also never liked the way she made fun of his broken English text messages. She also had a go at him once and got quite angry cos he takes a joke too far.

Nothing can ever be easy

[Guest_1584]

Yeah take it from me with my gf , that's no way to be about his English and pretty just low quite frankly. But he's issues are no wonder then, daughter and all on top of it, shame. Like him or not it's a huge huge deal moving OS without them no wonder he's depressed. So instant with them and m though too wasn't it l dunno, that often spells fizzle later on too unfortunately doesn't it.

lt's a damn for you and m though l know, you'll have to dream up a plan b eh. Feelings and worries are very understandable cm, hoping something comes through.

rx

[Moonstruck]

Hey CMF.......I forgot to wish you a Merry Christmas...if we are still doing that sort of thing considering how dramatically our world has changed over the past 2 years.....are you still putting up with that sister person in your relationship? Surely she has disappeared somehow into the vast blue yonder by now? I've lost track of all my old pals on here...been sort of awol the past couple of years.....well who hasn't?

this covid crap has just about, almost, done me in.! Will the old Moonstruck ever shine so brightly again? Have a sister free 2022!

[CMF]

Hi Moon my dear friend,

Yes, Merry Christmas.i am still putting up with stuff but she is having a difficult time with her bf so I'm reaching out to help. I'm glad you posted to me as you are a dear friend & I'm sad to hear how the Covid crap has affected you. Always here if you need x

Rx, sis msgd me today to apologise for not socialising yesterday as she felt she was rude. She filled me in on the bf. I assured her she wasn't rude & I thought she was just tired ( I actually preferred it). So it appears when I'm there she feels the need to socialise whilst I prefer the privacy. Good to know this . anyway I offered my support and checked in on her tonight as I know M won't lol. She's interstate a few days. She's heard from bf, he's depressed and broken down. I offered to reach out to him also as long as I wasn't interfering and she was happy with that so I did. I doubt he'll respond. Regardless how I feel about her in relation to M & I indeed to support her in this situation as M's not good at this. I've also offered to check in on my D's ex bf. She was shocked that I'd be happy to chat and check in on him. They plan to exchange Xmas gifts so we'll see if he seems open to a chat.

Wow it's usually me feeling lost & alone yet here I am with I need or could ever want. Guess I'm pretty lucky.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Well I must just be really popular in M's household. Sis is interstate at the moment. Dropped on for a coffee today & his son hung around us the whole time. At first he was making lunch,but when he was done he hung around us, listening to our conversation & wanting to know who/what we were talking about. Give me a break already. He is a lovely boy &very close to M but he likes to talk to people like they're dumb and make comments about things he knows nothing about in an authorative way. He even walked us out with M. He just would not give is 5 mind alone. On Christmas day we all went to mass & he tried to squeeze into the end of the pew next to M. M had to tell him to sit at the other end where there was a spot for him. I've never noticed him to be like this, he usually says hi and goes back to his room/ games.today he left little miss in there on her own and stayed with us. So sick of someone ALWAYS listening to our conversations. With him you need to tell him who/what/where. It's so draining.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahh what a classic , sorry know it bugged ya , you've got yourself a sis fill in , how old is he anyway ? Maybe he was just trying to be a part of things for you two in his own way.

Do you guys go to Mass. Haven't been to mass since l was about 10 , but if l see a great looking old church somewhere l've gone in and sat for awhile now and then.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

He's 18, an old soul so likes to hang with the adults. Unfortunately, sometimes I want to tell M things that I don't want everyone to know about. Sis got back tonight. No word from the bf except he wants to spend NYE alone. Not looking good for her.

Yep, she's never gonna move out. The instant hubby & 2 kids is too good.

Cmf