Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh, well that's very cool anyway , just unintentionally annoying that's all.He just trying to be an adult and fit in with his knowdall , try not to take it too serious. But of course you need some you time , funny really got rid of sis and he jumps in , sorry cm the ironicness of it makes me chuckle.

Remember mths ago l use to say my God how did sis just happen into something new so fast so perfect , smelt a rat and here we are. Shame though for her don't think she'd realize how much she needs someone else bar m , and for you too but 10 fold shame for you of course.

Gonna be a tough call sorry , but l can't preach few rough waters at my end too atm. Why can't it just be bloody easy , just for once eh.

rx

[CMF]

Tonight was funny. M & son came past, picked up little miss & I to go for ice cream. Son rang the doorbell and walked back to the car. I could hear M saying go round other side & son was looking lost. I think he was going to sit in the front seat. It feels like is just glued to M lately. We got ice cream & sat outside. I was curious to see if he sat next to M but he did leave a space. He was talking to little miss & I had to whisper to talk to M so he wouldn't ask who/ what/ where. I can see it's honna get on my nerves.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Remember to kids go in and out of very clingy and protective too stages even at 18. With sis away before he might be taking over lucky you haha, she's back though now right. Or spotted an op with her away to get some dad time , get to know you , who knows. So much goes on in their heads at those ages.

He's cracking me up but eh poor cm , you would've been sighing relief when she went away but wait !!!!.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah. She made up for it today. We had a nice NYE at M's with friends. She's told me about the bf, she's giving him the cold shoulder now. I'm guessing it's over, too many red flags, but she seems pretty fine about it to me. This morning my older kids' grandfather on their dad's side passed away. I went to M's around lunchtime to hangout. I was a little down. Sis had dj/club music going as she lay by the pool in bikinis 3 sizes too small (even worst last night). Kitchen was mess. I automatically thought I can't stay with this music. & her in the too small bikini I needed a quiet arvo. I went to leave but older d wanted to come over so we stayed. At lunch sis was mothering his boys then we talked about noises we hear in houses. She told us how she's scared to be in that big house alone if M's not there. She barracudas the door when she used to live alone & when she was interstate last week. She's pretty much saying She's scared on her own so clearly not moving out till she has a man to live with. Proves why she jumped at the chance to move in with M.her & M chatted at lunch. He told her about tge dinner he & son had last week, stuff he didn't tell me & I saw him that night. He tried ti include me but I had switched off. My anxiety rose, lunch stuck in my throat. I grabbed my things and left. M wanted me to stay, asked what was wrong but I couldn't breathe, had to get our. If she coukd she'd jump in his bed with her too small undergarments.

[CMF]

He wanted me to stay and enjoy the pool with him but I couldn't. I watched them be a 'couple' the whole time I was there. I couldn't stay. I had to get out. I'm still struggling, can't breathe properly.

[CMF]

...and she's posting on social media all the things she's doing, jumping into 2022, living life, nye party etc telling me she knows that her bf will see it all cos he's always on his phone. He's having a bit of a breakdown, depressed, seeing 2 therapists. I know he's hurt her but she's is so insensitive to do that. She clearly didn't love him cos she's got M.

[CMF]

She steamrolls everything. I sent m,'s son a link to a tribute show for some singers he likes. Wow sis already bought tickets. Of course she did. Gotta look after her kids.no wonder I stopped trying. It's all coming back to me.

I told M everything about today. How I felt & why. I Especially mentioned her giving the 'bf' a taste of his own medicine & all the social media posts that she knows he'll see, depicting her having a great time. Told him it's cruel considering the bf is struggling with depression. M agreed both of them being cruel doesn't make it right. I explained bf can't help it if he's depressed. She's doing it intentionally. He agreed she/they don't understand depression but i told him if she really loved him she'd not be cruel about it. M hasn't seen the posts, no idea what she's like but has said he'd be turned off if I posted everything i did. Nevertheless, the sun still shines out of her behind in the too small bikinis. I know it's his sister but he doesn't like those qualities in a woman, and it's a generation thing. shame he can't see what she's really like at times or say something.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l mean like him or not that sort of depression is serious stuff she shouldn't be prodding him right now that's literally dangerous. But eh childish too as you'd know it's too often exactly what they do these days sadly.

The bikini stuff is just weird , tacky as hell too , and around her brother and kids, why would you ? Such a shame for you cm it's all literally stopped you being able to be a normal couple all this time, even just in your coming and goings and the little things, all of it. But l can fully understand it's effect for you.

lt's amazing though the kids have all taken to his place and family, you two and all of it, come and go seems quite happily and at home, really nice. Hard to get too l'd imagine usually with new partners.

Sorry l don't have a sis pill.

Big hugs. rx

[CMF]

Yeah...we do come and go easily and all get along. Of course he defended her when I mentioned the comment about not wanting to be in the house alone,without M. Kept saying she's just joking. Why won't he just admit she ain't moving? It's comepletely weird her moving in and living like their mother/wife. His ex did wrong but sis has stirred the pot, like she is with her bf now. Not a nice quality. M& I have had NOalone time for about a month. That doesn't help, as you know. Now she will ALWAYS be there again. His boys are going away today we should be able to have the house to ourselves, by he pool, reconnect, but no,the boss is there to squash that opportunity. Yeah the bikini bottoms were embarrassing. Why would you wear that in front of your older bro or me & the kids? Not normal for someone so 'intelligent..
 

[CMF]

Last week sis had the girls over for a swim. M & son went out for dinner, then we all went for icecream cos he wanted to give them space as he knew the girls were too embarrassed to wear bathers in front of him. He gave her space, she's never done that for us. Instead she includes herself.