Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

this sounds awful, I’d be really pissed off.

Have you thought of speaking to her yourself? After all, it is you who have the problem, not M, so he may not be communicating well enough how this is affecting you.

IF you do decide to talk to her yourself, you need to think it through carefully and plan what to say, and be able to keep calm, no matter what her reaction.

But I would have to address it with her.

Tess

[CMF]

Hi Tess,

Thank you for your thoughts. You make as very valid point. I've never thought to talk to her myself cos she too sees no issue. I've heard how she talk about his ex wife, I don't want to be on the receiving end. I have no idea what her reaction would be, and yes, I would need to he prepared.

I really wouldn't feel comfortable. She is so much about herself, her social media, I can't see her taking it on board and I wouldn't be able to keep calm.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want this tension 😔 his mum gets it but sis is different. Doesn't care, just thinks she can do what she wants.

I am grateful that M aknowledged I was upset. He acknowledged my reaction yesterday. He asked me. He knew what I was upset about. He worked it out and he didn't ignore it. To me that's a positive step. He was caring, affectionate, helped me with things around the house, we chatted about his room. He wants to go out for dinner next Saturday for my bday.

It was nice to have my feelings acknowledged for once instead of me having to bring it up and I didn't hold back , I couldn't. I'm glad he noticed the difference in me from last week when we had an amazing weekend. He does try, as do I. I encourage him to tell me if I'm doing things that upset or annoy him. I've told him that if I'm upset I need to be able to tell him, something I haven't done in previous relationships. It's important to me that we can both be completely honest. I'm glad I got it all out today and that I asked if this is how our relationship is always going to be. I feel like crap, but I'm not letting it fester.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Fantastic that he's finally actually noticing and acknowledging cm, l've noticed a fair bit lately that he's def finally putting things together. Great that he wants to help too. Big steps.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah,

When I've said that her bf will move in there before she moves out M said he thinks they'd rather be on their own and move into her place. So why can't she see that about us? I'm sure if roles were reversed, she started a relationship and couldn't have any alone time, she wouldn't like it if s someone was always around and in her face. She complains about M's boys disturbing her, but she disturbs us.

Everything on her terms. Steamroller.

[Guest_1584]

Does she, crikey you'd think she'd put it together then.

Stir'em up tellem to make lots of noise and annoy her good haha, she;ll move out. Nah, sounds like they might go there own way then sooner or later eh and that will be that , peace at last.

[CMF]

M said I don't have a good poker face it's not the first time I've shut down when she's around, but it's the first time he s every asked / mentioned it.

He says she's only trying to be helpful but he must have known it, God knows I've brought it up enough times. He kept saying I must have messaged her about the rug, cos she mentioned something. I definitely didn't, proves my point that she just involved herself for no reason. I wanted to surprise him, she got involved and ruined it by saying charcol rug is no good even though he likes it. She had no place getting involved.following us into bedroom. Seriously?

[CMF]

O pointrfpointed out also that everyone else has time to themselves, privacy, alone time. Everyone but us cos with us there's always 3. I want to sit and talk without her l listening, intersecting, knowing that everything. She doesn't need to knoe6all thst goes on with MY kids, my ex, in my house . I think my big point was that if M doesn't follow her and bf arou.d and interrupt, get involved,GO up to the bedroom - the one place that is personal to him and us. She's taken over the rest of the house, she's not taking over there.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

i see your point. Such an intensely self centred person as her would not be able to reflect on her own behaviour.

Why won’t he stay over at yours? You need a circuit breaker here. Mind you that would then give her and the bf free reign at his place. A get that she is a part owner but she still needs to respect his privacy. But these patterns probably go back to childhood.

just hang in there and keep communication open with M.

tess x

[CMF]

She would have been spoilt. M and I both have kids at home. So sleepovers are tricky . We have been talking about it, He keeps sayinI'll have to sleep there when room is re decorated. Not if she's there, no way. Plus I have an 8 year old.

If she wasn't there we wouldn't have these issues but she can't respect that. She's there, she's everywhere.

Thank you Tess. Always value your thoughts x

[CMF]

Some of the items arrived today for his room. I'm loving the colours and was feeling very excited. He keeps saying he want to give me the money and i told him he can pay for the bigger ticket items I found a print he liked and ordered it. I t was vey expensive so gave him my account and told him to transfer only for that.

Well he didn't. He transferred extra to cover the doona cover (it wasn't that much) and I'm really hurt. I told him to only transfer for the print, that I wanted to do the other things. i told him that yesterday, this is from me to him.

The whole thing has just been ruined. all the fun taken out of it. i fell like dumping it all on his doorstep and leaving. Does everything i say fall on deaf ears? I;m sure sis would live to set it all up 😞