Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

And right when l was about to say how happy l was for you tow and the wkend and all.

Well l still am , so there.

But ahhhh, you do so much like l would . That would be very important to me to and it wouldn't be just about the vac , l'd flow into the whole big picture and trust and bond that comes with sticking to what they've said and then be asking myself all the same questions about the other much more important things too .

l'd call it a 50/50 bc he does seem to real off what's needed last minute but it does seem hard to know if he actually means it gets it or will actually do it when the time comes. l can well understand l sorta get that feeling from him too and l';ve been through a lot of that with my ex on the really important stuff and know exactly how it reflects .

Butttt, same time l might've just pulled in and grabbed the vac impulsively like that too bc it was just there and think to hell with it l maybe as well. Well if l was gonna grab it that is but yeah l feel much the same as you about it. Given where l live too l don't even need it anyway especially if everyone else is vacced , then who's gonna give me bloody covid anyway . Rx logic haha.

[CMF]

Yeah,

I'm over reacting I think lol. It was there, not busy, well6all end up getting it.

[CMF]

M came over today, brought me his desk chair and sat with Liitle Miss and helped her with school work do I could work.

I can't believe in last year's lockdown his sis said parents shouldn't complain about remote learning. She said we chose to be parents and part of parenting is teaching your children.

She's not the one trying to work from home and do remote learning. No kids, no idea and if it happened to her she'd get M or her mum to do it.

People who haven't been through it should keep their mouths shut.

[CMF]

So I'm re doing M' bedroom. Ordered doona cover, cushions, have a colour scheme in mind. Went to there today to gave a look at the room, the space. I ended up standing there while he and sis measured for the rug, she was looking on lune5, colour changed. She has to get involved in EVERYTHING. This is my project. I wanted to do it for him but of course she had to follow us into the room and start googling rugs. I shut down. Didn't offer any more. Told him he'll have to wait till the bed is done before deciding on rugs etc cos what she was showing me wasn't what I had in mind so I said nope to everything.

What's next? Does she want to join us in bed? She has a bf, what does she need to be involved in mine? M was telling me again about stuff he wants to do to the house. Cos I'd shut down I was negative, sarcastic. He was saying how perfect my area is . I agreed and told him he can stay at his place, clearly no intention to move cos if all the work, and I'll stay at mine. He questioned how I know he won't move, last week he said why would he want to move.

She ruined my visit, again. Talking over us, joining us. It's his bedroom, for me to share with him, not for her to share.

[CMF]

He started asking about the plants I had in mind for front garden. Told him not sure, need to go to Bunnings, I shut down again. I don't want to discuss anything till he I ready to but cos as soon as sis heard she'll get involved and it will be her way, her dominating. Once the bed is done I might just tell him to do the rest himself. I've lost interest. I told him today I'd go over so WE could look at rugs and order, not the 3 of us. If she didn't live there she wouldn't be involved. I just said ' I don't know ' to everything he asked, even though i had ideas.

[CMF]

I've bought bed linen and cushions, he doesn't know what colour yet they are discussing rugs and she's picking rugs that do not match. She then asked if I have a colour scheme, which I do. I've planned this, told him. He suggested a charcol coloured rug, said he likes it. Today she showed me other colours and I told him 'you said you wanted charcol she said charcol shows all the fluff.he claims he wanted something with a charcol mix, she kept showing me other rugs, o kept saying no. For crying out loud. I'm sure he can choose his own bloody rug. She had to stand there and tell him the size and how to place it. I can tell him that. She does not need to be involved. Ive5been taking to him about it, telling him how excited I am. How did she become a part of it? Why does she need to be involved. I can do this, for him, on my own. If she has any part of it she'll say she redecorate the room. Like his son's 18th bday cake that she took credit for and put on social media yet her cousin did the decorating.

My god, GO AWAY.

[Guest_1584]

Bloody sis .

Only way you'd get rid of her is to go when she's not gonna be home.

You'd still have swear m to secrecy though , l know you know. Sorry it was all so spoiled , damn woman. She incredibly bloody insensitive isn't she .

[CMF]

You're right but I don't know when she's not go.e & don't want to ask him, too uncomfortable. I can't believe she just involved herself. Clearly hes6been telling her about it but no need for her to join us in the bedroom to discuss it. I'm very capable of working out a rug size/colour with M.

I'm sure if someone one did that yo her,followed her and her bf to the bedroom and butter in, she wouldn't like it. Hopefully everything arrived this week, I might pop over next Saturday morning. She should be e'd working, He should b e cycling. I'll check with his son and ask him to keep it a surprise.

[Guest_1584]

oh man yeah l could well see you don't wanna be asking him all the time or even having to bring her up , bloody sis.

Some people are just so out of damn touch with things aren't they , and she's a woman, she should get it.

ps , no l really don't think he'd move to yours either , he's got it too good there anyway. And these types that stay in their area like that all their life usually never stray far.They talk about it and pretend but it never eventuates.

[CMF]

Today I lost. He asked why I was so flat, what was wrong, asked if it was about his bedroom and after telling him not to worry, it doesn't matter, I lost it. Told him thst6 I wanted to do that for him, that I wanted to do it cos he does so much for me and now his sis is involved, choosing rugs that won't match, measuring up, getting involved. He said she's just trying to help and I daid6 NO. This has nothing to do with her, I Went there to measure and discuss with him and order a rug. There was no need for her to follow us into the bedroom and but in. He said he noticed I backed away & said nothing. Told him of course, there was nothing for me to say. I've researched, looked at colours ordered things, have ideas, none of which she knows. He asked if I had messaged her to ask about the rug cos he thought she mentioned I did. No. Ididnot discuss any of it with her at all. This is ME wanting to do something for HIM. It's his bedroom. He sleeps in it, maybe one day I will,not her. I asked if he followed up stairs to her bedroom when she's with her bf? I asked if he butted in when she's talking to her bf? I asked if this is his how our relationship is always going to be, with her involved in EVERYTHING we do? He said no. He said he'll make sure I have full control of redecorating his bedroom. Told him it's not about control. I don't need control, I'm not controlling. I just need her to stop being involved in our relationship all the time. Told him I wanted to surprise him, to go over when he's not there & she's not there and set it all up as a surprise. Told him I'm sick of all the crap around his house, don't know why but I can't stand it. Everywhere I look it's her crap. He said well it is her house too. Exactly, I said. It will ALWAYS be HER house too.