Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

You're right Tim, lockdown is making me feel disconnected and like I have nothing in my life which isn't true. M & Idon't need to be together every minute. One thing that works is we respect each other's personal time. I worry living together will drive me mad lol. I'm feeling a agitated and nit picking. He always talks about us growing old together. 5 things I like about M;

Very honest
Loyal
Generous
Easy going
Loving

[CMF]

Remote learning is done. I feel a weight lifted. Both my girls can't wait to get back to school. We will start to get into a routine again. I feel I can breathe again.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Remote learning is done. I feel a weight lifted. Both my girls can%27t wait to get back to school. We will start to get into a routine again. I feel I can breathe again.
%3cbr/%3e
%3cbr/%3eCmf x

[CMF]

Im6so upset I could smash a wall. M called during the day every day this week. We've spoken even though work calls come through to my mobile. I buzzed him this evening with a question, we spoke again for a few minutes, I could tell he was 'busy. He then said had to go as his son was waiting for him to watch a funny show they watch. I said oh ok and hung up. When his sis constantly interrupts us he says nothing, his son is 17, I'm sure 5 mins won't kill him, I always make little miss wait. Told him I can't believe he brushed me off for a tv show, he said not for the show, for his son. My ex husband has flown across the country to be with his gf indefinitely. His sis is always interrupting us when we're watching something or on the phone. He doesnt6say anything to her. I sit alone every single night while they watch their shows. No doubt he's watching that show before dinner so he can watch the footy later. I never bother him if I know he's watching footy, I didn't know he was watching something with his son unlike his family who can see we are watching something and don't care. I feel so sick.

[CMF]

He said sorry but I've told him he can watch his show all day Sunday as I want the day to myself, for real this time. Last week I did it cos I saw how distracted and pressured he was with uni. I told him I won't bother him Sunday, he dan has watch his show all day. He s got his happy family set up. I'm just a Sunday drive date and fun when no one's around. He doesn't need me to do anything, got his sis. We squeeze in a weekday phone call in between him making his coffee, or before he has to watch a show with someone or do something . I'm not gonna be anyone's side show. Not again.

I don't know what to do with my life.

[smallwolf]

CMF, I am not going to lie to you, but agree with you about the phone call and the tv incident. I do not think that 5 minutes he would miss much of the show. Must be a really good show!

You sounded a bit grumpy with M in your last post.

Be kind to yourself. Again, I think it is the lock down and it is probably also having an effect on M as well.

And going off on a tangent, you mentioned watching seinfield and everyone loves raymond. Yeah, Sorry, I could never get into those shows. Having said that I struggle to find anything on Netflix to watch. Listening to some podcasts instead. Oh, and watching graham norton clips on YouTube.

Five random questions -

1. favourite movie?

2. something you most grateful for?

3. for my last meal I would eat.....?

4. something people get wrong about you?

5. when are you happiest?

You dont have to answer any/all of these here. Just some thing to reflect on. Me... (1) LOTR (the very first one), (2) music to listen to, (3) sushi, (4) that I will agree with whatever anyone says to me. I have to think about things before responding. (5) reading a good book, or the botanical gardens.

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

I'm not grumpy with him. I'm a little heartbroken and really upset. I can't even cry anymore. Lockdown...well he hates teaching from home, so many meetings and he misses our Sunday drives and his Saturday morning group cycle, but what he did has nothing to do with lockdown. His happy bubble hasn't changed. He s always got company, still goes to his mum's for dinner, still had people popping in can still cycle at least for 2 hours. I can't walk around a shopping centre or sit in a cafe. I have no company and no one to talk to if I feel down or lonely.
The shows I watch are when I'm alone which is every night. I know he doesn't like them. We don't like the same shows. I've joked that if we lived together we'd need 2 tv rooms. He once told me that if we had married 30 years ago when we first dated that he thinks h e would have taken me for granted. I think he does at times, like tonight and I told him a while back I felt that way. Also told him I think we'd be different if he didn't live his sis. He wouldn't have her around every night and would maybe see me more cos he likes being with people. She fills all those needs I've told him if we were to love together it would be like another divorce for him as she now owns half his house. He used to talk about how he could get his half back, own his own house again. I hate the setup.i should be able to call him anytime but never do cos I wait for him to call me when he's free. Quite often it's when I'm watching something with little miss before bed, or a show I really like. I never tell him I have to go to watch my show and if little miss interrupts I ask her to wait unlike him. He gets interrupted and I wait till he's finished. I'm really hurt, said from the start I wouldn't be hurt by him again. They have their happy bubble, I'm not in it. Don't want to be like a mistress.

[CMF]

He didn't even care enough to call me to talk about it. I knoe6he struggles with facing difficult situations head on. He prefers to sweep them under the carpet and hope they go away . He's told me that. guess that's why his ex had a 5 year affair, he failed to really deal with things. He says he was a good husband, and he would have been but support is not just cooking or cleaning, it's emotional too.

My heart hurts so much.

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh cm cm . Not a happy puppy atm huh.

Funny , but we're on the complete opposite side of the fence. l work at home anyway , outside those , have a workshop and setup. She's basically just housing atm and loves it anyway . She can spend all day messing round in the house , comes in and out to see me or does stuff outside making gardens and shyt , helps at work too sometimes. l only work about 50% of the time so we're just hanging out basically otherwise. lt's funny really be we just exist quite happily the way we live , well mostly . sometimes l think how weird it'd be to be with someone else that works drives is busy busy busy , although we both hate with a passion being too busy, either of us. l dunno , we've both had some very hard years earlier and both sorta at the same point in life. we just wanna do our thing , neither really care much about the rest of the world rushing about all busy busy busy , well , in normal times anyway. Mind you , sometimes l still think back with ex w and how busy she was could still be on the phone 10pm to clients , always rushing , always pushed for time , always like an appointment to even get some us time. Although we did have a long stretch too , traveling and living interstate where we lived up north like me and gf live now .

Funny , weird , life eh , it's always one extreme or the other and m's sounds like he's lucky to have a spare 1/2 hour . l'd be thinking the show was more about him and his son than the actual show itself or watching tv. But he's a busy boy for sure with his worl and built in sis family thing. Personally l'd be really needing some time with cm not sis myself . l've got 6 sisters and not one could l spend even 5% of that kind of time with. But l suppose he's lucky to have such a relationship with a sister, dunno , but your def' not weird or selfish thinking it should be you , so don't ever thin that bc that is a very weird setup for sure .

rx

[Guest_1584]

ps, mind you , we've got our problems too and atm well , there are other things, seems always bloody something eh. l think we're are about the same time as you n m, well we're 21/2 yrs roughly now. Both divorced about the same time before that.