Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

struggling a little

[CMF]

M's sis put on a beautiful high tea today. So much effort went into it. Why do I feel so flat?. Maybe I miss my mum, maybe cos M seemed distracted? Maybe cos when I walked in his sis adked if he had told me the result, that he got this morning, of his last essay. He got a high distinction, he thought he hadn't done well. Apparently he was shaking.He said he hadn't told me as he wanted to wait till I got there. I didn't even know he was getting his result today. I guess he didn't share that info with me cos he had his sis to share with. As usual, I get the off cuts.

[CMF]

Forgot to mention, she made a comment to M about a town in Italy 'they' are going to visit when 'they' go overseas next year. She said to him WE are going to ..... . When the overseas friend that is here asked if they are going to Italy she said yes, next year. Looks like she is planning things for his life again that I don't know about.

I'm so sad, just crying

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am glad you can write here and express your frustrations. If you read back over last six months do you notice any patterns? Are you still concerned about the same issues? Has anything improved has any thing got worse?

Sorry you are crying. Over the years I have seen your become stronger and more resilient, do you see that too?

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes I do see the pattern,it is the same issues and yes I've grown. I wonder if I should go away and tell M to call me when he is 'single'? I was telling what I want to buy myself for my 50th, a new winter coat and leather boots. M wanted to know as he has no idea what to buy me. He said his sis can chose a coat as he'd have no idea. I said no. I want to buy them for myself and I know what I want and need to try on. I now wonder if she chose the jewellery he has bought me? They shopped together. Is she part of every aspect of our relationship? Am I being silly now, too picky. I want it to come from him, his heart. Previous Sunday he brought lunch to mine. Lovely food, wine, conversation, but I noticed how many times he mentioned his sis. The show s they've been watching, what she liks/dislikes, the movies they watch together. She came up every time, even after I've told him how I feel. Iooks like nothing will change anytime soon. We spoke about her and her bf. Told M she should live with him for a month, see what it's like. He agreed she wouldn't do that so that in itself speaks volumes. He said her living with M is temporary, that she said it's temporary but I don't see it when she has a makeshift family and wants to make changes to the house. Then again, she wants to build her dream home 3 doors away. Guess we'll never be 'alone.

Another upsetting Sunday and sleepless night 😔

[monkey_magic]

Hi CMF,

Haven't written in your thread for ages...but I do follow along at times.

I'd b annoyed and infuriated if he kept mentioning his sis all the time. I'd directly say " do you know how much you talk about her" and if it continued I'd continually say "stop it".

After all you don't need this third wheel in your relationship. You want to feel as though he loves you, not loves her.

I'd be creating serious boundaries.

I love my brothers but they wouldn't take up so much of the conversation. I think they love each other too much and there you are battling for a chunk of his heart and brain as well. It's imbalanced. It really does feel as if he has another woman. Luckily it's his sis but still.

I think your feelings and thoughts are valid.

[CMF]

Hi MM,

Thanks for your reply. I ha a bit of a melt down last night, hence the negative thoughts but yes, it is an unusual situation. He loves me so much and is so understanding. I am blessed to have these beautiful people in my life an i often have these meltdowns/thoughts when i haven't had much alone time with him.

I'm feeling much better. He is an amazing man, I'm very lucky.

cmf x

[CMF]

MM,

Just re read your post. You've summed it up perfectly.

Thank you.

[CMF]

Hi all,

Hope everyone is travelling ok. I have been ok, working, doing extra hours, home schooling. Thought it would be nice to pop into M's for coffee this arvo but for some reason felt crap when i got there and couldn't wait to leave. When I arrived he and his sis were watching tv, his sis was doing stuff on her computer. They didn't realise the door was locked and both joked that i couldn't come in. I guess it made me feel like an outsider. M and i chatted about remote learning(he is a teacher) as i saw a school mum today who cant wait for her daughter to go back and m commented that people now have a renewed appreciation for teachers. I pointed out yes, however teachers chose to be teachers, we didn't. His sis immediately jumped in saying yes but we chose to be parents and part of our job is to teach our kids (she has said this to her friends that have complained). She doesn't have kids so wouldn't know what it is like to juggle work and kids, let alone home schooling. I pointed out that we have mums at work trying to do full time work from home and home school 2 primary school kids. Anyway, their defence pissed me off, i felt ganged up on. I hung around a bit more, they were going to their mum's for dinner, his son asked of i was going, seemed surprised i wasn't. When i left his sis apologised for being busy on her computer, which was nice of her bit i thought she was staying away so as not to intrude on M and i chatting, clearly not, so clearly nothing is going to be different.

So i feel like crap now, back to square 1, watching the 'happy family'. I need to remember not to pop in for coffee anymore. i am not going to hang around there when they are all home as clearly nothing will change.

I feel like absolute crap.

[CMF]

I know I am overthinking things but the fact that m's sis aplogised for being busy on her computer tells me that i am seen a s a 'guest'. I went there to have a coffee with him, not visit 'them'.

I'm feeling very agitated. As I haven't been goig there much of late I had sort of forgotten the 'them' situation, the kisses hello, goodmorning an goodnight. Toady just brought it all back. I really felt it was them against me, the outsider.

I'm just over it.