Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Enjoyed my day but anxiety lingering. Amazing how you can stop thinking about a trigger but still feel anxious.

[CMF]

So I'm feeling peeved off. I know I'm being silly but I'm questioning why I'm in a relationship. I think I'm feeling left out again, the whole sister and her boyfriend thing. I know how stupid I'm being and not sure what triggers me to feel this way. At times i think it reminds me of when we dated 30 years ago, he could keep partying and i had to be home. 30 years later and I'm still restricted. He doesn't mind, he understands but i remember 30 years ago when we broke up cos he wanted to party, travel and have fun. I think feeling left out just brings up do many unhappy memories. Little miss' dad was the same. He'd go out to bats and clubs with his cousin while i was home, sometimes alone. His cousin didn't want a 3rd wheel. M is not out partying but his sister's BF is over for dinner every Wednesdsy and they drink and watch a movie. I just feel so excluded. I know it's my issue but i can't help how i feel. I feel i may as well be alone. I really think it triggers how i felt with little miss' dad- left out. It's like the story of my life

[CMF]

...and i am being stupid. After dinner and doing dishes M called me. His sis and her bf went to bed, yelled out goodnight to me and M and i had a nice chat about kids, parenting, forgiveness. He told me he loves me and it reminds me how amazing he is and i shouldn't have the negative feelings. He isn't doing anything wrong and treats me like a princess. I realise I'm being triggered, now to work out how to deal with and overcome it.

[quirkywords]

CMF

You are aware of your triggers and have insight into your thought process.. I feel that because you can write down and work through your feelings is very helpful.

I think the fact you have acknowledged you are triggered and have realised what is happening and seen the reality you have with M ,is you working through your triggers and dealing with them.

M probably picked up that you were feeling left out so was sensitive enough to reassure you.

Things from our past have hurt us and may affect us but they don’t have to affect our present and determine our future.

Well done for identifying your triggers and for dealing with them. That is a real step forward.

Quirky

[CMF]

Thank you Quirky

They are such a beautiful loving family and include me in everything possible. His friends have also embraced me. I am so goddam lucky! I agree, i think he may have realised i felt left out and i was surprised he rang as we had spoken earlier. On another occasion i did bring it up that certain things make me feel left out, purely cos i wanted to be open with him and he understood. agreed and said sucks when i can't be there. M is quite 'matter of fact' things are what they are and he doesn't let things he can't change get to him. I am trying and making small progress. As he says, we have the rest of our lives together now we have found each other again.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I know how silly i was being and do feel better. I did have bit of a flat day yesterday overall.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Just feel like crying all day today. Everything feels hopeless.

[quirkywords]

CMF

what has happened? Anything in particular or homones or just is what it is?

I hope you feel better tomorrow and tonight.

quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I'm ok. Had a strange day at work. Had my 1 on 1 with new boss. He is very much to the point and threw me off guard a few times. He's also very quick and i felt rushed

Very diff to previous boss.I had my notebook and a few points to mention one of which was the unprofesnalism at reception ie personal calls, doing personal things etc. He asked 'online shopping'? Told him yes. I was aware our office mgr in adjoining office could hear so lowered my voice. I feel like a dog having to say these things about my colleague but it is unfair and not right. I mentioned a few other things and told him how bad i feel speaking negatively. He said he appreciated me telling him and that he can't fix it if he doesn't know. I felt so negative a felt he thinks i don't do much but i know he's been told by others i do alot of the work. I mentioned I'd welcome another day and he finished by telling me he would try to get me more hours. There was more but too much to explain. I don't know why i left feeling so negative. I know i feel awful having to mention those things. On a nice note M and i had our 'date day' today. Lovely winery, lunch and quality time. We got onto the subject of why some women go to so much effort with make up and dressing up and things like botox, false eyelashes, lip fillers etc. Basically he said he couldn't be with someone who caked on make up and had overinflated lips etc. Made me realise how much he loves me just as i am, that i don't need to do anything other than be me. He loves me for who i am and i feel that love so much. I am going to try and go into this week feeling positive about work and about myself. I don't want negative thoughts creeping in causing doubts and anxiety.

[CMF]

Can't sleep, been awake since 4am. I'm upset and angry about work. Upset about the meeting, the new boss saying 1 person could do reception yet 1 of the girls doesn't know my role and she's been there 10 years. Upset that new boss been there about a month and has that opinion. Upset that if I'm away the others don't do my work. I'm frustrated, angry, so down and teary. I want to stay in bed and cry. I'm confused how new boss can come to conclusiins after a short time and without knowing who does what at reception. He's very fast, busy, i felt/feel unsettled. I'm anxious, struggling to focus on positives. I could have spent an hour with him discussing reception and behaviour/attitude of others but i was rushehd and I'm not convinced on how he's formed his opinion. He said more work needs to be given to reception so there is no time for personal shopping etc. We are getting a new fit out, more space to do more.This is positive, there was talk of creating more for us to do rather than get rid of someone, so why do i feel so frustrated and sick. I think i feel he is not clear on the crap that goes on. I'm stuck in a corner desk, i feel he thinks i don't do much cos I'm not front and centre. The others won't sit where i am, they shove me there so they are more noticed, yet I'm the busy one. All the extra jobs come to me. I feel the others' chat was different to mine. They came out happy and saying how good it was. I came out feeling like crap. Why? Maybe it's cos i had to mention negatives, focus was different .i look like a wet rag but the whole office sees the others doing personal stuff yet no one says anything. I had to be the dog cos I'm the one who has to put up.with it while they are oblivious to how umprofesdiinal that behaviour is. Getting paid to come to work to organise personal life yet they're not stressed about their jobs. My chat was so different. God I'm confused 😔

[quirkywords]

CMF,

You are a kind person with a good work ethic so you worry about things and work hard.

I think the new boss can see what is happening and will know how diligent you are.

I am glad you and M had a lovely date.

I think work will settle down soon for you.

Take care

Quirky