Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , been awhile , nice to hear m's going so well .

but eh , l get the sister thing. to me l find that much togetherness with a sister really weird at that age too. and l've got 6 of them. when l was single for awhile there l was catching up a bit too much with one of mine and it was getting like wanna go out to the pub tonight, tea, come over, bla bla, l dunno maybe it's just me but l just didn't feel it was a healthy thing, too much sister, it should be my partner or just friends at these age, maybe it's just me butttttt, that's how l felt. backed it right off and back to a few times a year these days.

l sorta get it with him from the kids point of view, no mother on hand and all , nice for them to kinda have a mother aunty figure round a bit l suppose. believe it or not my ex use to get weird about my sisters too. dunno why l'd much rather be with her any day. And M would you too , don't worry.

on the other hand , she sounds like she's been there a lot through over the years, l mean l suppose there's nothing wrong with it and really good of her really , but l do get it'd feels weird to you you naturally want that to be you and him now that you two are these days,

Anyway , or something like that .

All the best

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

How are you? It's been a while, hope things are good with you. You get it, you are spot on with your thoughts. His sis is amazing, very generous and warm hearted. She has stepped in as a mother figure as the boys don't see their mum much. I am being so silly, a little jealous in fact. They ate nothing but giving, warm and loving toward me, I am just wishing it were me but we do plenty together anyway and the situation is what it is.

Thx for understanding rx, i just needed to hear it from someone else.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Went to M's this arvo. They have some electric scales that are supposedly very accurate. Everyone jumped on. I didn't want to as I refuse to weigh myself and prefer to go by how I feel. Well I did get on and before it finished I jumped off as I couldn't believe the numbers I was seeing. I am so down now. I'm a size 8-10 but the numbers on the scale were nothing I had seen before. In fact, they would indicate I've gained 11 kilos in 10 months yet a dress I wore 3 years ago still fits beautifully. I jumped off the scales before the reading finished but I regret getting on now. Those numbers make me feel fat and flabby. Yes I'm almost 50, yes I going through menopause. I don't sleep well and don't have time for exercise. M tells me I shouldn't expect to be toned and skinny as I'm not an athlete, have had 3 killed Des and going through menopause. He tells me it's normal and he loves me the way I am. Says he loves that I actually eat and don't starve myself. He says I'm a beautiful , warm, generous person with a big heart (complete opposite to his ex wife) and that's what he loves about me. According to him when I smile my whole face lights up. He says he loves that I don't realise how beautiful I am. He is everything I could ever want in a man and a partner yet those stupid scales have me feeling crap about myself and left me feeling so down.

cmf 😞

[CMF]

excuse the awful typos. My ipad not so great.

This '3 killed Des' should read ' had 3 kids'.

Cmf

[Moonstruck]

Oh CMF....you are such a lucky girl. So many women, big, small, huge, skinny, whatever.....would give anything to be in your place with your lovely guy......don't this this gorgeous happy time be spoiled by a few extra kgs...he loves you...that's all that matters!!! When he pays you a compliment smile and say "thank you darling"..

I remember a time long ago it seems now....when you were so lonely, so alone, so lost and in despair....and look, look where you are now.....and what a lovely guy you have found!! ENJOY!!!!! xxx

[CMF]

Dear Moon

Of course i know you are right. I know how lucky i am, we both do. We have the same values and that i what's important to us. We are so relaxed around each other. Tell you something funny. I weighed myself this morning at home and weighed what i expected to weigh. This in itself made me feel a little better but i wonder...have my scales been wrong all along? Have i always weighed more than i thought? I find it funny really, even if i do feel like a blob 😏

[Moonstruck]

Hey CMF....I'll let you into a little secret...just between us!

If you are going thru menopause...well there you are, that's the answer to why you're feeling like crap!

When I was approaching and going thru it....I got fat, bloated, hair even changed and went curlier, I drank heaps more grog, my face ballooned up, I hated myself, I hated the world....and I got angry. So very angry....at everyone and everything. No one was safe from my wrath!

If I felt I'd been wronged even in the slightest, or not given perfect service in a store...I would ring the person and blast them to hell, abuse them , rant and rave...oh God I was horrible! And so so unhappy and lonely and drowned my sorrows in alcohol.

When it was suddenly over....I changed completely..not totally back to what I was...but BETTER! I lost weight, my hair went back to normal, even lovelier, I met a partner, I was fighting off the blokes, I was dancing, laughing, swimming, loving life and everyone else too!

I kept a few photos of my old menopausal self...just to remind myself how ugly I was...and how ever much I age now...in a healthy way that is....I am still 1000 times better than the woman in the photo! .......yes CMF...."this too, shall pass"......

[CMF]

Thank you dear Moon,

a young girl at work always tells me how tiny I am, and tell her I'm not. Anyway, she told me the same, that's when her mum finished going through menopause she lost the weight and went back to 'normal'. Another funny thing, I ave always been quite skinny, u der weight in fact. Maybe I didntvreLise how skinny I was? Probably too skinny. M has a photo from when we first dated. I am sitting down but you can tell how small I am. He says he can't believe how tiny I was and can't remember me being so small. maybe I was too skinny? Too unhealthy looking? Maybe next year when I turn 50 I'll look 50 and fabulous?

cmf x

[CMF]

I finally spoke to my work colleague about all the personal things she does at work. Told her very nicely, as a friend, that everyone notices, people talk about it and that it also annoys me at times. Not sure if it will sink in but i gave it a shot. Part of the problem is her partner and daughter always calling and expecting things of her. Oh well, wait and see what happens. Feeling very flat at the moment. The other girl (ex boss' sis) has been a little shifty too so i just don't know 😔

[CMF]

Hello to anyone reading,

Well, i finally had a day off today and a day to myself now that the kids are back at school. I had forgotten what it was like. I find myself waking with mild anxiety in the mornings but it goes by the time i get to work. Tonight my son mentioned something which triggered me quite a bit, more than i have felt in a while in fact but I am ok now. I feel I am able to rationalise better with myself. I find i now question/challenge my anxiety and am able to feel better quicker. I don't know if it is because i haven't been suffering as much or if it is M who always keeps me grounded with his positivity and how he challenges my anxiety. Perhaps it is because i have been working so much and haven't had time to be anxious. Whatever it is i hope i can keep doing it.

There weren't enough hours in the day today. So much i want to catch up on but don't know where to start. I have tomorrow off too and am looking forward to going to the hairdresser,maybe some shopping not sure yet. I have so much to tackle at home - trees to cut back, garden to clean up, shed to clean out...never enough time.

cmf x