Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Tess2]

I think you are doing really well. You did go to work in spite of how you felt and you got through the day. Well done

tess

[CMF]

Thanks Tess,

Yes i did get through the day. I have dealt with the anxiety trigger...had no choice- so hopefully it is all sorted now. I had a few dr appts this week, blood tests and an ultrasound as i had had some pain. Everything appears to be ok and just symptoms of perimenopause. I am enjoying the cooler weather and rain at the moment.

How are you and anyone else reading?

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am glad everything is ok. I must be old as I don't remember people using the term perimenopause when I was of that age!

I know there is information available about nutrition.

Yes we had rain here .

How is your work going?

quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

work is great except the girl i work with Mon and Tue is constantly doing personal things ie online shopping, job hunting for her son, fixing her kids's resumes, on her mobile phone. I cant stand it anymore. She always uses the excuse she doesn't know how to do something or will stuff something up if asked to do extra yet she has been there 10 years.I do extra work to help out the rental dept, she gets paid more and yet i do more as she takes advantage of quiet periods. Everybody knows it yet nothing is said or done about it. She asks me to remember things for her, i tell her to write herself a note and she scoffs at me. i now find her comments to me offensive. She is selfish and self centered. I whinge to M every Mon and Tue. He has suggested i either tell her, swap a day or look for another job as it is killing him to get my messages during the day and to hear me upset after work. Just typing this is making me feel aggravated. In my eyes she is useless, lazy and selfish. I hate going in to work with her yet i love my job. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. She will never change.

I seem to be triggered easily these days but I am managing it at times. M keeps me grounded as he is so positive. I know he is trying to understand my anxiety although he's never experienced it.

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

CMF....your M sounds like real gem. Stuff the rest of the crap that's happening at work (easier said than done I realise) and hang onto that bloke! If you let him go...point him in my direction...I'll have him! Darling if you are going thru perimenopause you have my sympathy.

looking back it was obvious I had it really badly and no medical person even mentioned it as a possibility...not one!! I put on weight, even my hair changed texture, went curlier on its own, I was angry all the time, hated everyone, hated the world, hated myself, abused people and businesses who I thought were inefficient.

I became a monster! and why? Perimenopause...and not one GP picked up on it! As soon as full menopause happened and was over with, seemingly in an instant (no hot flushes, no night sweats, none of those symptoms you read about)....I reverted back to my sweet charming self......it seems to be different for everyone....good luck...xo

[CMF]

Yes, M is a gem.

So guess what's back to annoy me?

[CMF]

UUUUGGGGHHHH...GO AWAY ANXIETY!

i don't want to feel this way. Triggered by things, feeling sick. It's the week of Easter and I'm having my family over for Easter dinner. I want to enjoy and feel good. Well maybe i will. I'll tell my anxiety to just back off, I'm busy, don't have time for it.

Wish me luck with that one.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Feeling so tired and flat. Don't know why. Spent the arvo at M's and ended up haing dinner there but I just wanted to come home. It was weird.

cmf x

[CMF]

So i had a great day but a big panic on my way home from work. Had my 12 month review. Lots of praise and positive feedback and possibly, hopefully a raise. It turned to crap on my way home. There was alot of traffic, the banked up traffic, then i realised the boom gates at the train station were not going up. It was 5.50pm, have to pick up little miss by 6pm...panic sets in. Here dad going straight to voicemail, ring aftercare to inform them. Do a uturn and take a different route. Lots of traffic, panic, call M who offers to go to her school. Traffic is moving, get a good run. Her dad calls, still at work. Aftercare coordinator texts me, all good, don't panic (it's $2 per minute you are late) I get there, arrive at 6.05pm, before M gets there. Co ordinator calls as i am turning into the car park to see if i am ok, tells me not to worry, these things happen. I go in, sign her out 5 mins late them m arrives. My worst fear has happened. It is always my fear.

I am trying to find the positives;

1. It was only 5mins and stuff happens

2. when i realised the gates were not going up i was next to a side st so it was easy to turn off and go back around different way. I could have been in a spot where i couldn't turn around i.e right at the boom gate or at a traffic island, but i wasn't. I was at the side st intersection.

3. i got a good run once i got past the freeway exit ramp.

I still feel a little rattled but we are home, safe and warm.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I was so pleased to read your post.

You managed to deal with your fear and cope with the situation.

You managed to find 3 positives, I would add more as you coped well and calmly even ringing people you would be late and another positive is that you could see positives. Xo that’s 5 positives.

You also could write about it and look at how you experienced every part of it.

I hope you are proud of yourself and can see how you have come and how confident you sounded even if you were not feeling that way.

Maybe your anxiety maybe around there but I really feel and can see Yu are in control. Well done.

Quirky