Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I am so agitated and nervous. I'm highly strung. I'm sick of selfish people who expect others to do their running around. I'm restless, cranky, tired, stuffy head. I want to escape this world.

[Moonstruck]

I just called to say I heard you dear CMF. what can I do? my usual...nothing much! except to stay I hear you, and I get you. I also, suffer unusually badly during the heat...it's not just grumbling about it like the majority of folks....I did some research and it does exacerbate symptoms for some of us who suffer from depression and anxiety...it's not our imagination...

I've been bad too lately...and am still here...you always think of me when I'm in"that place" so I am holding out a hand up to you also!

When the kids are all taken care of...can you escape into some music of your choosing...just by yourself? Hoping you find a little pocket of peace CMF....xx

[CMF]

Thanks Moon,

I posted on your thread. Sorry to hear of the situation/struggles. I've been going to a different coffee shop. It is the one M and i had our first 'date' last September. The 2 afternoons i went the song 'September' by Earth, Wind and Fire came on... well i bopped away and had to smile. I told M and funnily enough his son was listening to it on his ipad. Someone sending me a sign perhaps to remember the good in my life? Too much of a coincidence.

This week is wearing me down. Little things 'happening', bad news from friends. I feel I'll never get out of this one. Feelings of dread taking over every day. Is it just my reaction causing anxiety? Feels like too much happening.

Cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

i understand exactly how you feel. Overwhelmed by anxiety. It can be very hard to deal with. This week is bad for me too and I can’t seem to shake it, I feel I am swimming in sadness and anxiety.

Try to focus on the positives and your relationship that seems to be going really well

tess

[Birdy77]

Hang in there CMF, you have so many awesome things happening as well, I hope you can feel they counteract the wretched bits that are seemingly overwhelming you.

Those feelings of dread are just the worst, I totally understand.

Know that you are not alone, ever.

🌻birdy

[CMF]

Thanks Tess & Birdy,

We have a few social function next few weeks and I don't even want to go. Need someone to look after little miss and don't wAnt my older daughter to do it cos she's peeved me off. Her attitude reAlly gets me lately and I know what she'll be like. M is so happy all the time. I've had not much sleep, kids testing my patience, hormones all over the place, don't know where my head is at. He understands but doesn't know what it's like. My colleague (boss' sister) let me leave work early today, 20 mins early. She's knows I've had anxiety all week. Usually Fridays I leave 5 mins early to pick up little miss. I feel bad leaving so eArly today even though she told me to. I feel I've shown a weakness now.

Im just all over the place 😔

[CMF]

I don't even know why M is with me. Why would he want this?

[Tess2]

Because he genuinely cares about you. Anxiety does not make you an unworthy person.

Tess

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Tess said it all really ❤.

I'm just adding my agreement. You don't see yourself as others see you.

Love Nat

[CMF]

Major anxiety trigger this morning. Thought i was going to vomit in the car on my way to work. Then had a veru frustrating day. I can't take this anxiety and people who frustrate me.