Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

I know you think a complete break for a couple of weeks is unrealistic, and maybe you are right, however that does not mean you should not try to reduce the toll life is taking on you in every way you can.

I know it can seem almost impossible to plan at this time, however could you map out the next few days with some hospital visits, but time to yourself too? There must be things you've enjoyed doing in the past you can take up again now.

A house is just a place to live, if you do not give it priority for a while it is no great matter. Similarly meals simply sustain, and if they end up hit and miss it will do no great harm. Can you eat out more, not in the most fancy of restaurants, but something sensible?

Maybe it is time to draw in the targets you have set yourself - for just a while to pace yourself.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Croix,

I'm finding it hard to plan because of the lack of discharge date. Last time I was given an hours notice to pick my husband up. I assume he will be in till Monday to see the pain specialist team but once they decide they can't do any more he'll be sent home & then the burden will be full on. .

I am upset with myself for not eating properly I'm eating too much junk which is making me feel worse. I have food in the fridge & freezer which doesn't take long to cook so I have no excuse. Similarly with the house. Over the last couple of years I've tried to keep the house clean & tidy (but not perfect) The aim is to keep it in a state that is comfortable for me & to stop things getting too messy or disorganised as this really impacts on my MH. This is different to my tendency to overdo things pushing to do projects which are currently all on hold.

I need to push myself to find somethings to do which I enjoy. I 've been taking too long doing essential/urgent things lately. eg I found mice had got into my pantry but took too long sorting it out because of the situation which made it even worse.

I received a phone call from a friend from church. She is very busy with a lot on her plate so I hadn't rang her. She'd found out about my husband so was checking up on me. It was nice to have someone who cared about me not just getting an update on my husband. I felt she understood She offered to speak to someone to make some changes to try & get me better support. It helped having someone who cares.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth`

You must think me a broken record going on about the respite you need. Actually I've a pretty good idea you know it all in detail already, but feel somewhat hamstrung, the discharge date being a good example. I think you to a most excellent job and overcome tremendous hurdles just looking after your husband, let alone trying as you can for your kids too.

I'm really pleased your friend from church rang and was concerned about you. You are right, having another think of your welfare does make quite a bit of difference.

I've been outside for a short walk, it's night of course and very windy, blowing my hood on and off my head, though not over cold. It was one of those occasions to treasure, as I looked at the water tank I saw a possum with a baby hanging on to her back. She was on top of the water tank looking at all the trees thresh around and probably appreciating a stable base to sit.

A simple thing, not everyone's cup of tea, but gave me a moment's enjoyment and perspective.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

Just sending you a message to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping you do find some pleasure in your day today.

I like Croix's story about going out for a walk in the wind and seeing the possums. Sometimes just noticing the little things can help to make each day feel a little more special.

Hope your day goes okayish.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Dools Thank you for your kind words It helps feeling you care about me.

Croix, It isn't a broken record. It is just played on high rotation. The broken record would just play meaningless jargon. You repeat yourself because you see it as important. I need to hear you even if it is repeated because I need to feel you understand & care. So thank you!!! Thank you for your story about the possum. The message I take from that is to take time to notice & appreciate little things to take my mind off the problems. Today has been up & down. A few people spoke to me & showed they cared. Unfortunately my stress levels are so high little things set me off. Even trying to explain what is happening reinforces negative feelings even though the person is trying to help. I left church early as I got too overwhelmed. I felt pressured to fit in & couldn't cope. Noones fault except me needing space. I seem to be on a very slippery slope into a very dark place with extremely negative thoughts. I don'y know how to get out.

[Doolhof]

Dear Elizabeth,

How do you get out of the hell you are currently in? Sometimes I do it with oceans of tears, sometimes I am so angry I am almost kicking and screaming my way through the depression and confusion.

Sometimes I need to just let go of everything, try not to be in control and float.

I also need to remind myself that other people might not know what to say to help. Sometimes I need to tell them what will help. Sometimes I have no darn idea what any one can do to help, nor how to help myself. All of this is okay Elizabeth. Not knowing the answer right now is okay.

Maybe for now it is enough that you breathe in and out and you keep doing that all day. Add some food and liquid and you have survived another day.

Maybe you need to wrap yourself up in a blanket for a while and just snuggle there.

Dear Elizabeth, I am not in your shoes, I do understand the feeling of pain and suffering and not knowing.

One moment at a time dear precious lady.

Kind regards from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeht~

Than you for being understanding, I do go on and on because I believe it is as fundamental to have pause, as is breathing.

You are right too about the possum. As stress increases and circumstances crowd in our view of the world shrinks - for me anyway. One is consumed with a set of problems and while the mind looks for solutions none seems to offer itself. In fact at times when my partner reminds me gently there is more than I can see I can get quite cross and even resentful. I've never really worked out why except the reminder seems to make more demands than I am capable of meeting.

The world is bigger than we are seeing when pressed. That possum and my appreciation of it remind me that all the things I'm finding as insuperable barriers are just part of what I'm in. It does so in a gentle undemanding way leading by virtue of my enjoyment of the moment to remember all the hassles are just a segment of everything.

Things will get better

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Dools,

Thank you for your understanding. Hopefully one day it will be just a bad dream. I've just got to try not do anything to make it worse!!!

Croix, Thank you. I really appreciate hearing from you.

My son rang & invited me for dinner. I went although I didn't feel like it but at least I got a nice meal & some distraction from the grandkids. They like me chasing them & then they like to pretend to attack me. I was tired so didn't stay long & then visited the hospital on the way home which was stressful. Hei hardly eating or drinking anything so is getting weaker & less able to cope. I don't know what to do.

[Doolhof]

Dear Elizabeth,

Once more my heart goes out to you. It was wonderful you could visit family even if it was for a short period of time. I am so deeply sorry your husband is struggling so much. It must be so heart breaking for you and confusing, not knowing how to help or what to do.

Feeling vulnerable and so open to our emotions can be painful and difficult. I remember one time after having been in hospital, I think it took me months to get back into the real world again. In the mean time, surviving kicks in.

Are there counsellors or Chaplains at the hospital you could arrange to talk with? Is there an elder in the Church you could talk with and ask to pray for you if that helps you? I know Church people are just people, and things don't always go as you hope, it might be worth a try.

My sister told me of some religious people who happened to knock at her door when she was suffering from post natal depression. She told me she gladly invited them in and kept making them copious amounts of drinks and provided food until she had nothing left to say. Then she let them go! Ha. Ha.

Hope you find the support you need Elizabeth. Hugs to you from Dools

[blondguy]

Hello Elizabeth

I know you have a ton on your plate and at the risk of sounding like 'another broken record' may I ask you who you get to vent to? I think my GP is getting weary of me as I see him every 4 weeks...but its a great way for me to ground myself and always feel better afterwards

Dools mentioned something that took me years to get a 'handle' on as I was in the same dark place as you are now...Dools mentioned "Sometimes I need to just let go of everything, try not to be in control and float"

That took me nearly 20 years to do

Hoping you will find some peace...soon Elizabeth

Paul