Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

I'm sorry too your can't find the help you need at the moment, but knowing you I don't think you will meekly accept the situation.

Sometimes just walking does not drive the thoughts out, which is a right pain as I rely upon it to do so, then I listen to a podcast while I go. The combination of the two often does help. Robyn Williams to the rescue:)

Have you managed to get a spot of rest?

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

I spent a few days with my friend. Returned this afternoon. It was nice to have some company & the chance to walk on the beach & just get away from things. Unfortunately I'm finding when on my own my thoughts became very negative. My friend had a few prior organised commitments so I was on my own part of the time. I was surprised how quickly my thoughts could plunge into wanting to be dead. I will NOT actually do anything to make that happen.

As for getting help. I'm unsure what help I need. I don't need physical help. I need to know there is someone I can call for help if I need it & not be judged. My friend is nearly 2 hrs ago & hearing impaired so I can't talk to her on the phone.

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

Those thoughts going around and around in your head can become destructive if we don't fiond ways to quieten them down.

One thing a psych told me was to start singing as the mind can not sing a song and think negatively as well. The only song I can usually come up with is Old McDonald had a farm! Lately it has been Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree. I only know a little of that song so it gets very repetitive!

Does it help to write down your thoughts, than look at how you can change some of the negatives or to accept them for what they are?

When out walking, if my unhelpful thoughts start getting a bit monotonous I try to think of a colour for every letter of the alphabet, a flower, a name of a country or what ever. Before I know it my walk has ended or I have walked a long distance and need to turn around and head for home again.

Have you ever tried the phone help lines? I have been fortunate enough o get a couple of lovely people on them who have really helped me.

There is a lady at Church whom I try to talk to who has hearing aids that don't seem to work very well, as we have two completely different conversations! Ha. Ha.

I do so hope yo are able to find the help that you require Elizabeth! Hugs to you from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

I'm currently procrastinating.

Thank you Dools for your thoughtful reply. i haven't found helplines helpful. By the time I explain my situation they are cutting me off with platitudes. My singing is not good so would probably annoy me!!!

I was lucky my psych recovered enough to see me today as I had texted him when he cancelled to say I was desperate. It was a pretty heavy session as there was so much negative stuff to discuss. He asked me to email a person at church who said something which really upset me. I have done this. I'm a bit nervous about how it will go. I was also asked to speak to someone else to explain my situation. He wants me to speak to them in person but I'm scared. I feel such a failure needing to ask for help & I'm worried about what to say.

I saw my husband tonight. I really struggled to understand him. His pain meds have changed & he seemed rather dopey & just mumbled.

My daughter is struggling now. I feel bad I can't help her as she is exhausted due to pregnancy complications. She will need hospital treatment if she doesn't improve soon.

[Elizabeth CP]

Still struggling to get motivated to do much. Feeling tired & unsure re the future.

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

You have a lot to contend with...It would be sad to be watching your family struggle (your husband and daughter)

May I ask you if you have had a reply from the person in your church?

You are a legend for enduring the session with your counselor Elizabeth. That takes serious strength. There are many people that just dont make that effort and they wonder why they never find some peace/relief

I have a sibling that still thinks that seeing a psychologist is meant to be relatively happy experience. You and I both know its anything but. You sessions are just like mine...If I dont feel uncomfortable (or occasionally cry) in my appointments I know my psych isnt doing his/her job properly

That tired and unsure feeling is an awful place to be in Elizabeth...I get it...ugh

My kind thoughts for you always

Paul

[Doolhof]

Dear Elizabeth,

Sending you huge hugs and a big bunch of sunflowers, these flowers are so big you are going to need a huge vase for them.

Wish I had some answers for you. I am sure you sometimes wish you had the energy and the ability to split yourself into many parts so you can be there for all of your family members. You can only do what you can manage Elizabeth. I know that doesn't help when you want to be there for everyone.

Sorry to read the pain medication was having an affect on your husband. That must be really tough. IT is understandable you are feeling confused and mixed up right now. I think I would have curled up in a ball by now and said it was all too difficult!

Are you managing to get out for a walk now and then? Does that help you? I'm planning on getting out today even if it is just for 1/2 an hour.

Thinking of you Elizabeth and your family. All the best, cheers from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Paul. I did receive a reply from the person at church. He clarified what he meant stating people like us do deserve help (not what he said at church) He was going to speak to someone else re the situation. Hopefully the message filters down that people can't be put into boxes eg the widows need help but those with families don't. I emailed the other person I was supposed to speak to as I couldn't face ringing them. IThey rang me back. I find it really hard to know what help I need & feel terrible asking for help. It makes me feel so useless.

Attempts to have a break doing things which used to work for me no longer work. I struggle to relax at home because I'm constantly reminded of all the things which need doing. Attempts to go away no longer work as I've gone with my husband so I have to watch out for him and cater for his needs. Because he is blind & has other problems it is harder for him in unfamiliar environments although he likes going away but I come back exhausted. According to my psych I need at least 2 weeks away from all demands as it will take at least a week to wind down before starting to relax. I think he is right but I don't see how I can manage that even if I didn't have to worry about my husband's current condition.

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

Its good that you had some progress re the church matter...even though its sad that 'some' people always think they know better.....and especially in a church environment!

Your psychologist knows that you have a ton on your plate....so much that it can leave us with a 'tired' mind. I have had an 'exhausted' mind on and off since the anxiety attacks started in 1983. Your psych seems to be spot on Elizabeth...and yes it would be difficult to manage doing so. With all due respect to your family and the TLC you provide, your health is always paramount. It took me years to understand that all other considerations are secondary where my health is concerned.

I hope you have some peace...soon

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Paul. I'm on an emotional roller coaster which for me is a good analogy as I hate roller coasters. Even the going up is marred by the fear that you'll soon reach the top & plunge down again which is even worse. I'm not doing well motivating myself to do things which I need including eating healthy & keeping the house clean & tidy washing dishes etc. It is an effort to motivate myself even though I know I should for my own wellbeing. I don't mean cooking gourmet meals or having a pristine house but just doing things so the house feels nice to be in & meals are nutritious. I don't know why it is such an effort at the moment.

I spent a lot of time at the hospital. I wanted to leave but they wanted me to wait for the doctor to see us. I found it extremely stressful trying to act as a go between my husband & the doctor. Having to explain my husband's point of view when he was being unreasonable & not making sense & then trying to help him understand the doctors perspective as he thought the doctor just doesn't care.

I know I need a complete break to recover enough to cope but I can't see how this can happen.