Everything is so hard

[Karen71]

I was am a student tafe.

I put all assignments in.

I completed all work.

i had problems with one assignment whick shook me.

Mental health assignment .

I cried itried i tried to tell the teacher it was to close to my own life story.

She dosent like me so shrugged my attempt off.

I failed my test in the last week.

18mnths for nothing.

They dont care that im torn apart.

4 wrong on acute means to bad to sad.

I tried so very hard.pateints loved me.

Teachers not.

My first test was 1 week after abdominal surgery my sevond the same week that i learnt my son was needing a op to save his sight.his 8.with aspergus.

I tried so veryhard.i studied till 2 am most nights because i couldnt when kids were awake.

All day its tantrums.all night its study.

I have always suffered from depression and ptsd.

I sucked it up took the bull by the horns and did my best.

I alwayfail.idont belong.

It sucks.im tied im defeated.im so alone.

I hate life peole are mean.

No im not in danger im simply done.

Why are people so mean.why do they lie and alienate.why dont i be long.

My teacher simply felt i shouldnt pass.

What is that.

Just because i make a complaint they make my life hell.

My life is already full of stress i didnt need them to add to it.

Im shattered.

Ive creid for 4 weeks now.the skin around my eyes is starting to blister.

Why are eople so cruel.

My son cant play with other children.

He has to stay 1 meter away from all kids at school.

Seriously why dont people realise the pooain they give to others.

Im sohurt.so very sad.

I want to give up but i cabt because of the kids.

Im sostied.i dont likwe this world its mean and nasty.is

[demonblaster]

talk to me Karen

Others too care and are listening

How ya goin today

[Karen71]

I dont want to burden anyone.

Im trying to make a decision.

Im trying to make sure everyone one around me isnt goung to be hurt.

Including you.

All i do is cry.

Im so desperately sad.

Im also a little scared of decision.i dont want to be that person that left pain for loved ones.

I cant tell my counsellor that i see once amonth.i dont want to hurt anyone.

Nothing is the cause at the moment other than life.

I started my diploma 18mnths ago to prove to myself i was worthy and could do somthing if i tried hard enough.

Ive never been good enough.

I tried to be in a churchonce.i told the paster my secret.he said later i was filth and had no place in his church.

I was sexually abused as a child.

I was stupid enough to telk a class mate in my course.

I was shunned and left feeling so so horrible.

Why does it need to be secret.im a good person.ive helped many street kids and given love to everyone.

My patients all lovedme.i never descriminated them.probably because i believe all people to be better than myself.

I so over not being good enough.

No amount of effort will ever change anything.

My teachers drpped me like a tonne of bricks after it was said.

All because of a stupid mental health assignment that was like looking at a mirror.

Its not fair.

I just will never belong anywhere just a simple fact.

I need to be brave enough to do something for myself for a change and just go to sleep.

I just need to look after my family first which isnt easy when you are always crying.

I need to make a decision and do it.

Have to admit im a little scared.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Karen71, thanks for your latest post and your bravery in speaking up about the sexual abuse you experienced as a child.  It sounds like talking about this with some others in your life has not gone so well, please know this is a safe space to get support and you won't experience that rejection here.

We have moved your thread from the Welcome section to here in the PTSD & Trauma section, where we have many threads and stories from other members who have been through similar experiences.

You have mentioned in your post that you are struggling to "make a decision". You sound quite distressed at the moment, and we would like to make sure you are safe.  Can you tell us if you are feeling suicidal right now? 

[Karen71]

Im planning.but its hard to because i keep crying

[Sophie_M]

Ok Karen71, thanks for letting us know. It's really important that you keep talking. 

We'd like to ensure you get the help you need right now.   Could you please give one of the numbers below a call:

beyondblue 1300 22 4636
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Lifeline 13 11 14

It's ok to cry, so don't worry about that when you ring up.

After you've had a chat to someone on the phone, please come back and let us know how things are going.  

[demonblaster]

Ahhhh Karen, you're in such a terrible place atm
Thanks for opening up, very brave, very difficult.

You ARE NOT being a burden ok so take that down outta your mind, you've got enough to deal with.

Sweetheart PLEASE don't do it.

I was there where you are as a teen (4 attempts and nearly another) I DO understand the black hole you're in.

I read on fb not long ago, ..."Suicide doesn"t take the pain away, it leaves it" .... truth.

I don't doubt at all that you're a good person, we need good people in this life. Patients loved you, later maybe you can go back to that, nursing I'm assuming, I was too and loved it like I think you did too.

Don't give up darl please

You're beautiful kids need you.

It doesn't seem so atm but believe me time DOES change things. Doesn't help for now I know.

Cryings good it's an outlet.

Karen can you ring someone here, they'll help, they're trained. We WANT to see you get outta this hole, YOU CAN and HAVE to believe it. I know it seems like there's no other way and probably all you can see is Black atm.

Darlin keep talking to us here ok please.
Trust me there's better than this.

You've clearly got strength in you else you wouldn't have hacked everything to date.

People (me included) care Karen and you're young. You can get through this.

PLEASE hold on girl

Give em a ring and let us know how you go.

I'll be here as often as I can ok

We're here for you (((( huge long hugs ))))

[topsy_]

Hi Karen

I feel so sorry you are suffering so greatly at the moment.

I think you have fantastic guts & determination to have spent 18 months studying at TAFE. I know you are disappointed with the result but give yourself a little time & maybe you can try again. You can do some TAFE courses online through OTEN. It might be worth checking that out.

Twenty years ago I was a single parent to three daughters & I was nearly crippled by severe depression the whole time they were growing up. It got so painful all I wanted to do was escape the pain. I had no inkling of how this would have affected my girls. I was in & out of hospital, tried heaps of meds & had lots of ECT.

But I did survive & I discovered a world I never knew could be there. My girls married (well 2 did) & they have all given me beautiful beautiful grandchildren, 9 in all. Being a Nanna is so much fun.

And I found love again. Or he found me!! We have been married nearly 19 years now.

So much has happened - so much love & enjoyment.

Like you, I too was sexually abused as a child. I've had years of counselling & I'm at a place where the good days outnumber the bad, & the bad days are no way near so bad.

Please Karen, phone someone. The only thing you have to do right now is phone someone & HANG ON. Just hang on. It will get better, I promise you. It won't be easy but you will GET BETTER.

Karen I feel so much for you & there are plenty of people here who have been/are in the same boat. You are not alone.

PHONE the helplines & DON'T GIVE UP.

Sending you my best wishes, Lyn.

[MickeyM]

Karen, my heart goes out to you.

What you suffered as a child is abhorrent.

The pastor you spoke with was very wrong to say what he did.

I've heard it too, when I went to a pastor for help and left feeling like crap because he called me selfish. Please believe me when I say that they were WRONG. Their reaction is not a direct result towards you, and is in no way a reflection of who you are. I have since spoken with another pastor who treated me so very differently from the first and practically apologized on behalf of someone they never knew.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to receive help.

You deserve to finish your Diploma.

You ARE worthy.

We are here to help and support you in any way we can.

[demonblaster]

Hey Karen 🙂 I've been checking here often to see how you're going.

Have you read the comments above, see what I was saying, you've landed at the right place, there are people out there that genuinely do care. They've read and taken the time to talk & support you.
We know severe pain & how it feels to be this low but hear what's being said darl, it won't necessarily be this way all the time.

Yellownanna said love found her, 19 yrs marriage, happy with grandies. Where she's been too but things change.
In my suicide yrs, I didn't know then I'd meet the love of my life, 28yrs, lost him to leukaemia nearly 2 & 1/2 yrs ago, & with BP (bipolar) on top slamming I nearly went back there too again but as with you was very scared so rang and got help.
One of the things that helps me not make the ultimate wrong choice is that partner & his sister that same year (Both cruel insipid different diseases) fought like hell to survive, they didn't ever give up. They didn't wanna die.
Point: We don't know what's ahead. If I'd succeeded, bloody glad I didn't, I wouldn't have had that powerful love & the beautiful friends & family I have now.

Karen repeatedly I do/have been in the pits, it's hell yes, but although you can't see it atm, there will be light. Nothing stays the same.

Have you spoken to anyone yet?

How are you feeling today?

You said you're a good person, I can see that because you said the patients loved you, they wouldn't if you weren't and you love your kids clearly, you also said you don't want to burden or hurt people, only a good person feels that way. A good person deserves happiness and with time, effort and help you can achieve that. You CAN & WILL get past this crap place you're in Karen. Believe it darl.
If you choose to leave you'll be denying yourself that chance.

There's only one place to go from where you are atm. Forward & up hun.

Please keep talking Karen, I'm not going anywhere.
Call me glue if ya like, I'm sticking with ya 🙂

Hold on girl

[Karen71]

😞