Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah that's kind of why I feel so bad when I talk to people about my problems... because I can never take on board any advice and I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time. I guess all I'm ever looking for is an actual person reading what I'm venting... because as much as I write out my thoughts and feelings on my phone, in my journal, on tumblr etc., it's kind of just like I'm screaming into the void I guess? So having you read and reply to my posts is so helpful because you're an actual person reading what I'm putting out there. But I can understand that it's annoying and boring because I'm so stubborn and don't really take anything on board.

My issue with trying to recover with self harm and everything else is I just feel too guilty to recover. I can't stand even just thinking about NOT hurting myself or treating myself like crap. When I hear people tell me to practice self love by looking at a mirror and saying one thing I love about myself or whatever; I can't even do that. Even thinking about it makes me want to throw up and hurt myself even more. That's why I find so much of people's advice so hard to take on board. As soon as I even just think about doing something positive/towards recovery, I'll end up doing the opposite and hating myself even more for thinking even for a second that I could do something "good" for me.

I have no idea if that makes any sense but yeah I'm really appreciative that you're here reading my posts and replying and I really am sorry for being so annoying and stubborn and not receptive at all. I know this is probably something I need to sort out and I am trying... just... very very slowly I guess... I've at least contacted a psychiatrist to make a booking (but they've not contacted me back) but I'm hoping I'm going to get more direction once I see one esp with medication since nothing has been working for the last six years...

sorry...

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Thank you so much for replying to me so honestly. I really appreciate it and you have expressed yourself very well there.

I understand where you are coming from and why it can be so hard for you to do what others suggest.

Also, can I make one small request? Just for conversations between you and me, can I ask that you try not to apologise to me?

I accept your apology, and thank you for offering it. But I also don't need it. It does not make me feel uncomfortable to hear your apology, but I want to see if we can try to think about our conversations differently.

I am not here with any expectation of you. I offer suggestions not in the expectation that you'll do them, but only in the hope that you'll think about them. I listen to you because I want to, not because I expect that if I listen to you maybe you'll change something.

So I have no expectations for you to feel like you have somehow failed, which you have not. There is no need to apologise for something I didn't expect you to do or say. If I do not like something, I will let you know. If I do not want to talk to you, I will also let you know. But as far as I am concerned, we are both here because we both want to be, and that doesn't need an apology.

Anyway, I am very glad to hear you have contacted a psychiatrist to make an appointment. Hopefully they contact you back soon. Do you want to tell us about how you found this particular psychiatrist? Were they referred to you?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

thank you so much for your words... I've never had anyone say that to me: "I'm not here with any expectation of you". And honestly it's just idk kinda freeing I guess? So thank you for that.

I know I do apologise a lot, it's just something I do. But I will make sure to try to stop when speaking to you on here.

i was referred to her by my GP after I did silly things. In the past when I've asked for referrals they've all been non/partially bulk billed (despite me saying please find one that is fully bulk billed) and they're super expensive even with a Medicare rebate so I've just kind of kept putting it off. It's really hard to find a fully bulk billed psychiatrist but my gp found one who will do a one off assessment bulk billed just to give him a direction I guess. They've still not got back to me so I guess I should make contact with them again tomorrow.

Also slight confession I haven't really told anyone... I haven't been taking my new meds since they make me want to eat so much and all the time which makes me feel so much worse about myself. I know I should go back on them and I kinda love that they make me sleep properly on my days off but they just make me SO tired especially when I have work and can never sleep early enough. Ugh idk what I should do because honestly the food thing makes me so much more suicidal...

how was your weekend?

PL

[james1]

Hey PL

Thanks. It doesn't bother me, but I hope maybe you can get used to feeling a little bit more free in how you talk to me, without needing to apologise.

About your psychiatrist, that makes sense. Psychiatrists are really darn expensive. The one I went to briefly was fully bulk billed and I was referred to them because of my stay in emergency. When I got out, I had an acute care team and he was part of it.

About the medications, I think it is a good idea to talk to your GP. Perhaps they can allay your concerns about the food thing or find something else that may work better for you, but it's important that your doctors are aware of what is happening.

My weekend was good but busy. I did a lot of cooking and just general housework. Seems to be the story of my life nowadays. I'd love to do some more things which are fun, but I seem to run out of time on the weekends.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

I finally got an appointment booked! It's still a month away and it's around my birthday which is annoying but I'll take what I can get. Weirdly enough even when I left inpatient treatment years ago I didn't even get referred to a psychiatrist...

What kind of housework do you do that takes up the whole weekend? Although this weekend is a long weekend I think right? So I hope you can do fun things even if just for a day.

I've actually been feeling more okay than I have in a long time this last week which is unnerving tbh. But I'm trying to not think about it too much since I know I'll end up self-sabotaging to bring myself back down...

how are you doing?

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

Nice one getting that appointment booked in! That is very strange that they didn't refer you on. It's quite sad really that they didn't put that extra step in for you.

My list of chores on the weekend: grocery shop (1.5 hours), cook for the week (2 hours), vacuum (1 hour), sometimes mop (1 hour), gardening (1-3 hours), general tidy (1 hour), clean animal things (0.5 hours).

Then once you add in actually eating meals, it doesn't leave a lot of time! So sometimes I don't get to cook for the week and have to do it on a weekday.

Do you have to do any chores around the house?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah I'm glad it's finally booked in. And I guess it is weird thinking back cause everyone I know has always been referred to one after an inpatient stay but they probably thought I didn't need one or something? Idk. I've had like so many bad experiences from the mental health field that that didn't really phase me... which really says something about Australia's MH systems I think...

Wow you are so organised. Do you live alone? I do have chores but now that my dad isn't working and my brother's gone back to tafe and I started working again, he's been doing most of it so I only ever iron my clothes and sometimes vacuum the house...

Up to anything interesting this week?

PL

[james1]

Hi PL,

Yeah I actually thought it was mandatory.

I am living alone with my animals at the moment so yeah, I guess I do have to be pretty organised with everything. The alternative would be to live in a complete mess, so now at least it's only a bit of a mess.

I have forgotten what you do for work. Can you remind me? How are you finding being back at work again?

This week...no. I have been busy planning a work trip and then hopefully a personal trip to Singapore, so lots of admin stuff. I am feeling quite anxious but not entirely sure what about, so keeping a low profile really.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Yeah fair enough. Adult life hey?

I work as a research assistant in a virology lab at a university. So it's the same job as last year but instead of diving straight into the deep end and working full time and overwhelming myself, I asked if I could just do part time for now. I started with 2 days a week since February but asked to increase to 3 days/week starting this week. Thankfully my supervisors are both super understanding and kind and generous. In fact one of them has personal experience dealing with depression so she's always really understanding if I really need a day off because I just can't get out of bed. So being back at work has been easier than last year and I guess it's good in the sense it makes me feel a bit less useless I guess. But I feel like I've been screwing up so much especially in the last couple of weeks... 😕 what is it you do again?

Cool where's the work trip to? And how long were you thinking of going to Singapore for? It's a beautiful little country 🙂 and if you're a foodie, they have some really yummy foods too.

I totally get what you mean when you say you're not exactly sure what you're anxious about. It's such a horrible nagging feeling... is it about the upcoming trips maybe? If you haven't already, maybe making a detailed itinerary and looking at how to get to places you want to visit might help? I always find that helps when I find the thoughts of an upcoming trip getting overwhelming.

Hope your anxiety levels go down.

PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Little vent because I have no one to talk to.

Always unreasonably tired after work if I work 3 days a week. It's just one extra day a week; why am I so weak??? I know I most likely just need to get used to it but it just makes me feel so lazy and weak and pathetic.

Crappy body image is driving me nuts. I'm so tired of hating myself but how can I not when I look like this ugh. Feel like all my "friends" hate me and are only tolerating me to be nice.