Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

I'm glad to hear you are safe after the OD. Funny how that silver lining came out of it. It sounds like your sleep was much improved.

Not anymore, but yes I used to want to be in hospital all the time. I loved being in hospital and not having to do anything, not having to talk to any of the people I knew, and basically being able to just be on my own. Nowadays, I feel like I can do that anyway at home and nobody would even know if I stayed home the entire time except for me.

So yeah, I think it's very normal to just want to be taken care of and not have to do anything or worry about anything. When we are mentally overloaded, it is no surprise that any reprieve is very welcome.

But of course, the reality is that the hospital system is not geared for that except in emergencies. Instead, we need to try and find the same thing outside of hospital and in our regular lives. Is there anything you think that could help?

For me, moving out was huuuge. Sure, it got lonely at points, and there were only so many days I could be lazy before my place would be gross. But it finally gave me the peace and quiet I wanted, to do whatever I wanted or nothing at all.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Heya,

yeah it actually feels weird to have slept properly... don't feel as tired as usual for sure so defs a silver lining. It'll be interesting to see if I'll be awake enough for my appointment tomorrow morning though since I was still drowsy until about 12pm even though I slept at like 10pm.

Yeah if I had the finances I would love to move out tbh. I've wanted to for so long but it's just not realistic for me unfortunately. Plus I think my parents would be against it even if I could because they'd tell me that I'd save so much money living with them (which is true). To be honest, right now, on the days I don't have work, I pretty much stay inside my room most of the day. But ever since I told my dad to stop checking up on me, I just feel like I need to get out of my room every so often to show him I'm fine. Yeah idk. Hopefully it won't be too many years until I get my own place.

Have you heard of dialectical behavioural therapy btw? My GP suggested it to me just then but it's still a type of talk therapy right? And I just don't do well with talk therapies... if you have heard of it, did/do you find it useful? What kind of things does it involve?

Hope you're having a good day!

PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I've been feeling so weird lately like so many running thoughts about nothing and everything and I can't stop fidgeting but everything feels weird and off and wrong and I don't know how to deal with any of it other than by self harming which is never enough to satisfy the stupid voices in my head anyway and this makes no sense but I need to rant somewhere and I just don't even really have anyone to tell anything to anymore

[james1]

Hey PL,

How was your appointment a few days ago?

I have done a little bit of DBT, yes. I remember there was a thing about wise mind/emotional mind/logical mind. It gives you good tools to be able to stop yourself when you feel yourself spiralling a bit. It's ultimately an emotion regulation tool designed to bring your emotional mind and logical minds both into balance, whichever way you are leaning more heavily towards.

So I'd say it's definitely worthwhile especially if your doctor suggested it.

I personally found it quite challenging and didn't continue, but I got what I needed out of it.

I often find that my brain runs on overdrive and I get fidgety when I haven't been doing much. It sounds absurdly simple and I don't mean it that way, but I really do think that it's our bodies and minds telling us to -do something-. The more active I am and the more I talk to other people, even about nothing useful - say, sport for example - the less anxious/stressed/nosiy in my head I get. perhaps that would help you too?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Appointment was meh. Just reviewing my meds and talking about referrals etc. so it was pretty short and straightforward I guess. I said no to the DBT in the end since it also involves group therapy apparently and that's not something I'm willing to do. Also not even sure how much I want to change my coping mechanisms so I feel like I'd just not even cooperate that much so better off to just not do it.

Yeah that makes sense actually since I've been in bed most of the day everyday for a while when I don't have work. But just have absolutely no energy or motivation to do anything or talk to anyone. Just been sleeping and only getting out of bed to stuff my face with food and occasionally shower. I feel so disgusting ugh. Don't even have enough energy to SH and it's making me hate myself more.

Anyway sorry to go on a bit of a tangent. Hope you've been doing much better than me...

PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Getting more and more tired of these roller coasters of emotions. So many thoughts and feelings. I'm so tired of everything. So tired of being awake. Can't stop thinking about things I can do to knock me out for a solid few days. Idk how the hell im gonna get to work today. Too tired to get out of bed let alone pretend to be a functional human being at work. Why am I so lazy and pathetic... kind of wish I was inpatient just so I don't have to pretend anymore.

So many thoughts. Mostly about doing stupid stuff rn. Getting closer and closer to giving up.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Sorry just need to vent this out. Not that anyone really cares lol but that's okay.

It's past 5am. Haven't slept. Seriously need to stop going to bed so late because the meds will just make me wake up so late now. Didn't used to be a problem since used to wake up 2-3hrs after going to bed.

I feel so lonely. I love being alone don't get me wrong, but I hate feeling lonely. Don't want to talk to anyone unless they engage first since I know I'm just annoying everyone and they all dread talking to me just in case it's me falling apart AGAIN. They probably only help so to not feel guilty or responsible if/when I do something bad. Honestly don't blame anyone though; I know I'm a huge burden.

[james1]

Hello PL,

It sounds like you are not doing very well at the moment.

I am listening to your feelings and hearing how you really hate feeling lonely, feel like a burden and feel disgusting. I felt similarly two years ago, and am very glad that I don't have that hanging over me anymore because it's a horrible feeling especially since none of the negative self-talk was actually true. It was just how I felt.

I have suggested it before, but the only way to break the sense of loneliness is to reach out. Take small steps. Call the support lines. Message a friend and ask them how they are. You don't even need to meet up. Buy a coffee and ask when the person serving you started working that day. Ask the cashier person at the shopping centre whether it's been busy.

You said you really enjoyed ballet but can't be bothered anymore. I hear that a lot and it's very sad. You said once that you don't feel like you deserve happiness. I think it's very sad that you don't feel like you can be bothered doing something that brings you enjoyment.

Perhaps ballet is a big ask right now. But bringing back some conversation with people can really help.

I know you can do this. You took ballet classes which is a huge mental ask in comparison.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

yeah im definitely not doing well at all. But I don't know how to tell people this irl other than through doing stupid things. I can't/don't really want to tell my friends because I know I've bothered them enough esp in the last year or so since I've been struggling so much. They don't deserve that. I don't want to annoy them anymore than I already have. As for all other ways to communicate with people in general, it just feels really hard I guess. I suck at and hate small talk and hate calling helplines/calling in general. I know it sounds like excuse after excuse but everything just feels too exhausting or scary to do right now. I know I'm pathetic.

God I want to hurt myself so badly. Really hurt myself. Not just all these tiny pathetic self harm things I've done. I hate myself so much. Feels so unbearable to be in this body I just don't want to leave my house, my room, my bed. Makes me want to do something drastic so I won't have to go to work tomorrow. But I don't want to lose this job since it's such a good job.

Ugh. Thank you for reading all my annoying pathetic rants and posts.

Hope you had a good weekend.

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

These things may seem hard, but you have support available. Between us here and the doctors, you have people who can give you tips on how to make reaching out easier. It was also hard for me to try and break the loneliness, but I absolutely leant on all my friends and entire support network to get used to getting out of the house. It was tough work but rewarding in the end. I know you can do it too. You did the ballet classes.

I do not know how to respond to what you said about self harm. Just a reminder that there are safer methods, and even though I know you said you don't want to change your coping mechanisms, I hope you can also see that changing your coping mechanisms will be part of the recovery process. But the most important thing is that you are safe in each moment, so please make sure you reach out for support or to emergency if you are at risk.

Still, a lot of that is up to you to choose to do. I will keep listening to you and reading your posts, but I feel like you do not want to do any of the things I am suggesting. What would be more helpful for you?

James