Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mrs D, and a warm wave to White Rose,

So sorry to hear about your back and health issues. Dam, youth is so wasted on the young isn't it? The back though. Ouch even thinking about it, I have to be careful with mine since I messed it up a few years ago.

I hope you win your battle with the evil dumb empire (Centrelink), I should go there but they are such hard work I'd rather do my own thing. I have been doing the odd job also, sadly the poor old brain has many broken gears and "Neutral" does not work very well, or "Low". Reverse is pretty good though!!

Confused about the future? what a big club that is. I am learning to take one day at a time, learning not quite "learnt" yet. 🙂

Take care of yourself and have a great winter solstice! It's going to start getting warmer from here on out.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

Great chatting with you. Yesterday I went to the Dr for some acupuncture. I felt like I'd been wrestling with a porcupine by the end of the session! He showed me the length of the needle he stuck in my butt! Good thing I was still lying on the bed when he did so! Ha. Ha.

Here in my part of S.A. we have had glorious sunshine all month, blue skies with no clouds. The frost have been heavy and the mornings chilly. We are in desperate need of some rain down here.

Mmmm. Centrelink. I would hate to be working there. Our branch has a security officer. Not sure if they all do. I tried using the automated phone line hook up thingy. Some of my words the machine did not comprehend! Ha. Ha.

Yes, maybe I need to go back to the learning to cope with one day at a time again.

Your comment about "Reverse" reminds me of the time I was being taught to drive in the country. The guy teaching me had me on a dirt road and told me to reverse up a narrow side road. I did so with gusto and reversed right on top of a rock!

It took a bit of effort to get the car off the rock! Reverse is not so good for me, I forget to look behind me!

Cheers to you and Hello to Mary as well.

Cheers All from Mrs. D.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I went to court today. Tried to tell you what happened but I cannot, at least not yet. I am so angry.

I have an appointment with my couch in the morning so maybe that will help.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary,

I'm really sorry you are so angry after having been to court. Sounds like things didn't turn out very well!

Hopefully you can find ways to let out your anger than allow a sense of peace, even if in minute portions, to enter your body and mind.

Maybe some deep breathes and a soak in a bubble bath with candles burning, a waiter to bring you tasty nibbles and drinks and some soft music will do the trick.

(I'm not wanting to make light of the situation at all Mary, I just know how much anger, hurts, pain and resentment can make me feel)

Thinking of you, cheers from Mrs. D.

[QldMouse]

Oh Mary, I am so sorry to hear that. I feel your frustration and anger but please try to release the evil.

I sure understand, had my own "legal system" encounter and clearly "Justice" plays a very small role in that part of society. There is nothing we can do about it, but we can choose how we let it affect us.

You are better than that, you are better than them. I've read your posts, that is very clear to me.

Thinking of you, wishing you well and sending happy thoughts.

[White_Rose]

I'm told the law is a legal system not a justice system and I believe that. Well I will go again next Wednesday and see what happens. He wants two charges dropped. There are things I would like to drop but I cannot say them here.

How is your battle progressing? And more importantly, how are you progressing. Every time I see your name on BB I am so happy things are working out with you and your wife. We have to win sometimes I feel.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Good morning Mary, Mouse and All,

It is a rather chilly morning here in our part of S.A. I awoke this morning feeling quite depressed and like I just wanted to stay in bed all day. Instead I have decided to get up, have lit the fire to dry the clothes and towels, will get a few jobs done then will sit in the lounge room in the sun and crochet for a while.

I might phone a girlfriend and organise a time to catch up, do some exercises, have a walk and in the evening we are going out to dinner with my husband's family.

Sometimes when I am with them I have to pretend I am a duck and let their comments roll off my head like water rolls off a duck's back.

Yesterday I happened to be in a park with ducks, so I will have their behaviour fresh in my mind ready for tonight if needed!

Hope you both have a nice weekend, if t can't be lovely, nice is okay.

Cheers from Mrs. D.

[White_Rose]

Hello Bev

It is a bit chilly here but I expect not as cold as your neck of the woods. Sounds like a great day you have planned. I am making mine up as I go. Just had a nanna nap which I think I needed after taking pain killers last night. Still a bit dopey this morning.

Yesterday I was in pain in my shoulder and arm. Gave myself anti-inflammatory pills plus pain killers and a relaxant. Cannot remember when I have resorted to that amount of meds. Pain was bad which made getting undressed for bad and study in not screaming. At times like this a husband could be useful.

The in-laws can be hard to take and all you can do is smile sweetly and think of something else. Remember not to quack when someone speaks to you.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Dear Mary,

Hi. Hope the pain is more manageable. It is horrid when you have a day like that. I had one yesterday and was as grumpy as a cut snake! I know what you mean about taking all that medication just to help you through the day.

You mentioned how a "husband would be useful" I think mine needs new batteries. Ha. Ha. Ha.

The dinner gathering with the in laws was for my Birthday. We ended up having Chinese takeaway which was delicious. A fly on the wall would not have known it was my birthday but that is okay. In my mind I was having a wonderful celebration.

I didn't have to worry about letting out a quack, as I don't think I said much at all the whole evening. Either way I had some delicious food, I was warm and it could have been a lot worse!

Cheers to you, here's hoping those aches and pains behave themselves!

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

So sad to hear you've been in pain, I hope your feeling better. Be gentle with yourself.

Do you think all the aches and pains are worse in winter? I was wondering that the other day. Is that why we talk about putting a "spring" in our step. Any time now would be great eh?

Yes, the legal system. Sigh. I have a vision of things falling on your nemesis from a great height, smelly things, large heavy things, maybe I'm off base and not reading that right. Our legal fun will take years I'm told. It is what it is.

Yes, life continues to be a trial as well. Hmmmm. Cherish the wins, deal with the losses. I would like to think I'm doing well but I feel like that cat poster where kitty is "just hanging in there". I love that poster.

Hi Mrs D,

I hope you have thawed out. Good news, we are past the solstice now so it is getting warmer!!

Reading your post I was somehow thinking of giving a quack when your out with folks who are quackers ... or maybe that is just me, I'm weird on a good day.

I've had birthdays like that, I think maybe I got to have half of mine celebrated. I feel for you, but your right. Celebrating in your head is sometimes better, but I know it is sad. A belated happy birthday sweet lady. All the best for the coming year.

Now back to fixing my rotten computer that died. May the hard disk rot in hell!! Sigh.