Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

Thanks. When we were kids our Mum used to try to make the most of our birthdays. It was the one day of the year when I felt recognised by Mum! I didn't have to do the dishes that day and Mum always made us beautiful cakes, we had chocolate biscuits and soft drinks on our birthdays too!

Guess I miss some of that childhood fuss being made.

Today we ran out of rainwater! The tanks are bone dry! Usually that happens in December at the earliest or January, never in June. Rain has eluded us.

Hope you manage to get the computer up and running again. There are so many devices in this house that have nearly found there way out the nearest window! I don't like modern technology! Ha. Ha.

People in Europe have celebrations for the solstices, wonder why most of us don't even notice they happen?

Cheers to you and Hi to Mary and Everyone,

From Mrs. D.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mrs D,

Those birthdays sound delightful, it is so nice that your mum had the love to make the effort for you.

Wow it does sound dry, we have had a nice amount of rain but NSW has been hammered. Maybe the should export some south eh? I hope you get some soon and your tank tops up.

Yes I did manage to concur the computer, mostly. It is limping along but slowly getting sorted. If it was a laptop it would be a frizby by now. Bit too heavy to chuck and there is the cost of course.

Take care, and I'll think rain thoughts in your direction 🙂

Waving to Mary as well.

[White_Rose]

Hello you lovely people.

Pain came back with a vengeance on Friday but seems to have backed off with new meds.

Starting my garden makeover tomorrow I hope. Just need my lovely gardener man to do all the work while I supervise. I think that's a fair division of labour.

So what happened to your computer Mouse. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Mouse, what happened to your computer?

After being in court for several hours I was told he would not plead guilty so going to a hearing at the end of August. I will be pleased when that part is over. Then we can get on with stage two. I feel like walking away from the whole thing. Certainly does not give me any feeling of satisfaction or justice at the moment.

News is scant from my neck of the woods just lately.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary, and Mrs D, and the BB community, ASIO, NSA, etc ...

Ok, I'm in a funny mood, its been a rough couple of months and its not getting smoother.

Mary, so sad to hear about your pain, I hope the meds and the garden have had a positive influence.

Yes my computer mouse is fine thanks, but my hard disk has expired. Sadly some data was lost, but thankfully I had a recent backup and that worked onto a shiny new hard disk, so I'm back in business. Dam computers.

Sorry to hear about the court, typical it seems. We may not see a court for 2-3 years according to our lawyer. I am now resigned to forgetting about it and hoping everything will just go away.

Feeling like the world is very dark and wintry at the moment. Oh hang on, it is!!

Hope you are feeling happy lovely ladies.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Always a pleasure to hear from you but sorry for the rough couple of months. Apart from that how are you and your lady wife getting on? At least you now have someone with you in those irritating moments when everything seems to go pear-shaped.

Yes it's winter and I have been so cold. Don't tell me the weather is mild and we haven't had winter yet because I don't believe it. Either I am getting old or the weight that is slowing ebbing has confused my heating system.

I had a couch session today. Quite good actually. She believes the stress of the past few years has resulted in this Fibromyalgia and will continue until I start to relax. And I thought I was relaxing. One good thing is that I am losing weight and that is good. Actually thinking of buying new clothes. Trouble is I hate shopping and only go when there is no other option. I did try buying my groceries on line and it is less tiring, but I still have to be here for the delivery and it's a window of time which means I cannot simply take off.

Well my water feature arrived a couple of days ago but I have been too busy to unpack it and start deciding exactly where I want it. Perhaps tomorrow and I can get my grandson to take it out of the box. Not much body pain just lately, just my hands and wrists which making picking up and carrying painful and/or in danger of being dropped.

My granddaughter stayed with me last week. She was wearing one of the dresses I made for her but it's getting tight so I showed her my stash of fabrics and invited her to choose one for a new dress. I now have six fabric choices and she is convinced I will make her six dresses. When? Oh yes in my spare time whenever that is.

I am going to Melbourne in a week's time and will be catching up with my eldest son. I keep trying to persuade him to live in Brisbane but he likes Melbourne. Damn. You know writing to you and others about the small happenings in my life makes me realise how blessed I am. I must remind myself more often.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Thank you, I don't think life will change for a long time. The ups and downs will average out I hope, that would mean a lot of "up" is due! Yes thanks, having my wife to stand with and share the challenge helps.

I'm going to agree with you about the weather, there is nothing mild about it at all. You are far from alone. I don't know what happened but winter has been kicking our arses all up and down the eastern seaboard. I've worn clothes I have not seen since I was in snow.

So sorry to hear about the Fibromyalgia, I had to google of course. Sadly those conditions look too familiar. I hope the treatment (and relaxation) works soon. Time to relax in the garden for spring soon? Winter is over half gone now. 🙂

Wonderful to hear your getting grandkid time, you lucky lady. I so look forward to that. And I am major league jealous, you have a water feature?!??! I love water in the garden, I'd walk over cold concrete blocks to have one. Yes I could get off my ever expanding posterior and do something about it but in the meantime just know that I'm green with envy. Dreaming of the sound of running water, there is some serious relax therapy right there.

I hope you are still having fun, and had a great trip to Melbourne. It is nice to hear you count blessings, It is a good point. I'm off to count mine for a bit.

All the best.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I go to Melbourne tomorrow. I am staying with my sister-in-law who tells me her daughter is organising a BBQ on Sunday in my honour and also to show off her new home. My son and his partner will also be there so that will be great. I am looking forward to this and catching up with all the family gossip.

Still cold. Had a rush of blood to the head and opened the doors and windows. Bad move because the house was quite warm before that. Just cannot get warm unless I am in bed or in the car with the heater turned up.

Stage one of my garden make over has started. I will be braving the outdoors to to start off the water feature. I left putting it together until I was sure where I wanted it. Also it's probably warmer out than in. And yes, there is something rather magical about running water. Not sure about cold concrete blocks.

Had a GP visit yesterday to follow up on a number of things, including the Fibromyalgia. It seems my inflammation levels have shot up again so now she wants me to see a specialist. Not keen at all. My physio can give me relief for much of the pain. Problem is he doesn't make house calls at midnight. Despite the blood test results I am actually not experiencing much pain which I find odd given the results were pretty much the same as the first test, then dipped significantly on the second test. Oh dear I am in danger of becoming one of those people who delight in recounting their bodily ailments.

Granddaughter, miss seven. I took her measurements and promptly lost them. Now waiting for daughter to confirm what I think I remember. Getting old is not for the faint-hearted. Did I ever tell you I have eight grandchildren? The oldest will be 22 tomorrow and the youngest is six. They are also the two ends of the same family.

Lovely to hear from you again.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

You have such a wonderful family, I now have a clear vision
of you as the matriarch of a wonderful dynasty, how fantastic and well
deserved. I so envy you. I can’t wait to hear how your Sunday goes.

I hope the great time you are having will release enough endorphins
to swamp your pain and dispatch it completely.

I expect the young miss with the missing measurements has
repurposed the page for some artwork destined for the fridge. That happens, I
know. Gotta love kids.

Right now, my opinion of the so called “medical profession”
(oxymoron) could not be lower, so I understand where you are coming from. I
wish we had alternatives, oh hang on … I’ve had meditation and exercise thrown
in my face several times (by guess who of the couch). I’ve tried them, yes,
they work but dam they take effort don’t they? Not exactly in a great frame of
mind currently, I’ll snap out of it of course. But I need to wallow in a bit
more self-pity and self-loathing first. Must go through the process.

Good luck and fun with your garden project, I must go stare
at my rock collection.

All the best, safe and happy travels.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Loved your message and hope you are feeling better. I got back from Melbourne to go to see my GP and be diagnosed with pneumonia. Feeling a bit better today so had a look at the forums and wrote a couple of short posts. I think this is the last. Decided to go back to bed.

Don't wallow too much, the world of joyfulness is much better. Keep up the meditation. Yes it's hard work but didn't someone say good things were worth an effort?

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh poor Mary,

It was that cold in the dark south was it, but did you have a good family time? I hope so, and hope you get better soon.

Urgh, yes everything is so much work. One foot in front of the other is so difficult and requires so much energy.

All the best.