Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I love reading your posts despite the reason for writing. You describe everything so well I almost feel I am there with you. What I have shared with you during the past week is the change in temperature. Such a shock to the system when I believed winter would never come. Had to put an extra blanket on the bed. Next it will be a hot water bottle.

Haven't written in for a few days as I have been unwell. A week ago I was in hospital for a procedure. Then a couple of days later (the day Miss Six went home) I developed an infection. All clear now and back to work. But the most joyful news is that I have now been cleared of suspicion of having endometrial cancer. It's been a long road starting at the beginning of last year when I discovered I had breast cancer and going through various, mostly unpleasant, events.

So now this is all over and I can get back to living my life. And it feels good. I know my family love me, my friends care for me and I am helping to work for a more just world. Oh dear, did that sound precious?

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been poorly, and have been in hospital. They are such terrible places aren't they? the absolute worst place to be if your sick I think. I'm really sorry to hear about your brush with cancer but very pleased to hear you have passed though and are I hope now clear of that dark cloud. I hear about so many poor people suffering so much with pain and horrible things. You count your lucky stars to duck that bullet.

My only brush with possible cancer so far left me with a funny story. Sounds like you need one, so here it is.

I had a lymph node in my neck decide to grow to a golf ball with delusions of being a grapefruit. My doctor and a mad surgeon told me I'd be better off without it. Count me in. The challenge was it sat in my neck right next to a major nerve and a muscle cluster. A very tricky operation. My surgeon said he had done it several times including once very recently, and would tell me a funny story in recovery. The day came, I had a nice sleep and the evil lymph node was gone.

My surgeon came to see my in the recovery ward and got me to do all sorts of exercises and tapped me all over with a wee hammer. I was pronounced good to go, then he shared with me that he had done the exact same surgery on the exact same lymph node on a very good friend and colleague who was also an ear-nose-throat surgeon. In recovery the bugger had pretended to be parralised down one side with a pronounced facial tick, a game he kept up for a good minute before cracking up!! The games doctors play on each other eh? Gives you faith in the humanity of the medical profession I think!!

I hope you enjoyed that and are well and warm. Yes, it is finally a mild winter. I've lived in climates with double digit negative temperatures so I find the Qld version of winter so nice. If the water is not solid in the pipes and the fuel isn't solid in the tanks, hey we are grand!!

And no, you don't sound precious at all. That sounds lovely and sounds like you deserve all the happiness you receive.

Best regards.

da Mouse!!

[White_Rose]

Da Mouse

I loved the surgery story. I was unwell and went to see my GP. I have no idea how we got onto the subject but we were talking about the role of women and inequity etc. She, the GP, told me that when she was in medical school in Russia one weekend a group of friends went skiing. My GP had a fall and bruised the side of her face. Come Monday morning she was in the classroom. The lecturer at some point noticed her bruise and said, "I didn't know you were married".

I can hear the gasp of outrage already.

I think your next appointment with your psychologist is soon. Or has it happened? Is this helping you in any way? I hope so and that you will continue to battle on. It is a battle getting up every time you fall down and believing it will get better. And I know at times that belief is stretched to the limit. I would love Beryl to return and tell you her story. She went through so much and like you kept her wonderful gift of writing

I am quite a nosey person so if I ask questions you don't want to answer just ignore them. I am, however, very interested in the progress you are making with your psych. Is this something you can tell us?

What do you mean, Yes, it is finally a mild winter. We Qlders are not used to temperatures in single figures, though when I lived out Marburg way it got very cold at night. Frost on the lawn at 8:00 am. And we had frozen pipes. I lost count of the mornings I went to work without having a shower. I almost thought I was back in England.

Today has been busy but tomorrow all I have in my diary is a haircut and doctor's visit. I can sit and read, or sew or write to people on BB, or let my mind wander. I can also play another round of Scrabble with my son. He lives in Melbourne and when I was there earlier he put Scrabble on my phone. So now we can play. The first game I lost ignominiously, but in my defense it's been a long time since I played. And I suspect some of his words were illegal. Second round was much better, although I still lost. My son added another game, I suspect to confuse me. There are only three words on the board and he is well ahead. Two of the words are mine. What I enjoy most is learning another skill. No not how to play Scrabble, how to use my phone for things other than phone calls.

Mary

[White_Rose]

I beat da Mouse.

Good morning. This is just to prove I can get up early.

[QldMouse]

Good morning White Rose,

ROFLOL, I admit defeat, I was beaten fair and square!! I admit it, I stayed in bed that extra 15-20 minutes and have been behind ever since.

Yes, you got a gasp from your medical school story. People, what they do, what they say, it really messes with my easily messed head. That is terrible, and makes me so sad and frustrated with people.

No my next appointment is not until next week, thank you for keeping my spirits up and giving me smiles these last few weeks, her parking me here was very clever. Shopping with my daughter she once parked me in a bored males area at a store and thought it was a huge joke. Feels the same really.

You are not nosey, thank you for caring enough to ask. I really appreciate that, I'm slowly learning that there are people who care. I think this lady is actually helping me, I have been with her now for almost one and a half years, and before that quite a few disappointing psyco's. She is by far the most challenging and helpful. We have covered a lot of territory and she has given me exercises and things to research and try. I struggle with a lot of fear, shame, fear, guilt and fear to name a few issues. Needless to say my self confidence has been lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut for so long, and I have at times collapsed from panic attacks. She is very cunning and tricky, she never says something directly but instead leads me around backwards and forwards in front of a topic until the penny drops. Quite shocking at times, reminds me of the film "Bruce Almighty" and "oh God send me a sign" ... I've been there.

My challenge is, I'm dealing with 40 years of pent up issues. It is taking a while. And I'm scared silly of change, I'd rather suffer than do something about it. Most days are very hard.

Speaking of the cold, yes I've spent time in really cold climates in North America. Where the winter temperature is in the -20 to -40 degrees and nobody cares if that is Celsius or Fahrenheit because freeking cold is just freeking cold. eg. collecting wood one -40 deg morning and a lady was on the driveway and asked what the tinkling sound was ... I pointed to her feet and hair, she had come out the shower with wet hair, came outside without drying her hair which was now snap freezing and as she moved the tinkle sound was it breaking off and falling to her feet !! Big scream, and the pitter patter of little feet running indoors. That is cold.

Running out of characters, have a wonderful day.

[QldMouse]

On reading that above I need to reword it, I am very poor with communication and know that I say things meaning one thing to me and people read it quite differently. Let me please clarify "I have been with her now" means that I have each week or alternative week visited her office and sat across the room on her comfy couch paid the fee, and emptied my head, heart and tears all over her office carpet.Amazingly she hasn't ordered me a Tshirt with sleeves that tie at the back!!

She says I'm "complex and emotional" which I translate to blubbering idiot but that is just me. I'm still struggling with the question, am I making progress?

I really don't know. Am I happier? no. Am I dealing with my triggers? some. Do I feel I am alone, yes and no.

Look around here and I see people with such sad stories, way worse than my life and clearly there are a lot of sad people about but also I see a lot of wonderful caring people (Yes I'm looking at you). I really feel lost, I don't know what will happen, I don't know if I will ever be happy or if I'm one of those people who will never be happy no matter what. I've had so little experience of happiness maybe I just don't know what it looks like.We have talked long a hard about that.

The lady in the comfy chair keeps asking me if I think I deserve to be happy, it is a tough question to answer. I get this one wrong most of the time. I can't see me ever being truly happy in my life and that is very disappointing.

Ahhhh ... I'm rambling, I need to stop this keyboard enabled verbal diorrea.

Thanks for listening/reading?

[White_Rose]

Oh Mouse, Mouse. Your writing style is such a joy for me. Please don't change it. I knew what you meant about seeing your psych every week.

You are complex and emotional. Truly most people are when you start digging a little. I have a friend I take to her psych sessions because she does not drive. She has been used and abused in my opinion and is only now starting to admit to herself all the hurts of her life. Her parents died some time ago and she lived with her brother in the family home. He literally dropped dead in front of her one morning. He was age 68.

No one could believe how well my friend coped with her life for the next six months. She cleared up the estate with the help of her solicitor and made all sorts of plans for the future. Then one day she started to cry and went on crying. At which point her GP sent her to a psychologist. She says she doesn't know what is happening to her and why she can't stop crying, feels humiliated by this and very tired. The psych has told my friend she is complex. It's like peeling an onion and finding another layer beneath which is why we cry. It hurts.

This is what is happening with you and your psych. She is helping you peel the onion and holding you when it hurts. One reason your psych gently leads you to a particular topic is because no one can tell you what is wrong, but some very compassionate people can help you find out. Hang on to this psych, she is gold. She also walks you gently along the path because you do not yet have the strength to walk on your own or to walk faster. That will come.

In the meantime, however much you believe a particular homework assignment is useless, work on it as though it is the most precious thing in the world. Do you remember when you learned to drive, probably in a car with manual gears. Did you think you would ever master it? Or riding a bike or learning to write? Treat this as one of a series of lessons designed to reach a goal. Only you know the goal. Please take note of the two verses I sent. You can do this.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I am so glad I can make you smile, it makes me happy to make people happy. I've been accused of being a compulsive pleaser and I'm good with that. I hope that if I make people happy some happiness with shine back and warm me. Alas I feel more like the homeless man hungry in the snow at the window of a restaurant. (I think I'm channeling Dickens now.) I see happy families nice and warm inside eating, and resent not getting my share. I know there are a lot of us out in the snow (was virtual/imaginary snow ... but holly heck this week as been cold enough to make it real). Misery does not love company.

I am so sad about your friend, she is lucky she has such a wonderful and understanding friend like you. Mary you are amazing, you are so giving, your heart must be the size of a planet ... and not one of the little marbles but an big colourful planet like Saturn or Jupiter!!

Oh you had to say layers didn't you?!?! Now I will be unable to get the sound of Shrek explaining layers to Donkey out of my head. That train of thought has already tainted another thread here. The other thing about pealling back layers is the tears that result, I guess that is hand in hand with the process.

Yes you are right, I think this lady is gold for me I think. When I am struggling to connect the dots she has this anoying patient way of sitting there across the room with an enigmatic non judging smile waiting for the clunk as the penny drops. I've often thought of making a run for the door but I suspect she could take me down if I tried. There is probably an extra fee for that.

Her homework assignments are frustratingly logical. She knows I have the added handicap of being an engineer so she spins assignments in a logial way and numbers things to make it harder for me to mess up. Dam that logic, I fall for that every time. Less than a week now, and oh boy I hope she had a good holiday because my last four weeks have been a roller coaster.

Learning to drive I found easy and with the ink wet on my license I got a job driving an old Morris delivery van with 3 out of the 4 gears working. Ahhh those were the days, when cars had a crank handle on the front!!

Really hope your still smiling Mary, and have a wonderful weekend.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

First up, what does ROFLOL mean? I prefer real words.

Your psych has got you pegged I see. Well it's not a bad thing and if you get something out of it, even better. Now why is being an engineer a handicap? You do know the joke don't you? A year ago I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.

Being a compulsive pleaser is something I can relate to. Too often I resort to humour to get out of conflict. Not always a bad thing but something to watch. Yes the homeless person peering in through the window. I was forced to read Dickens in primary school because he was one of the classic writers. At the age of eight it was all too much. It's put me off Dickens for life. Ah those childhood traumas.

I have never seen a Shrek film so I have no idea of the significance of layers. Onions are such a good, ready-made simile, complete with making your eyes water as you peel them. At least you will not forget my comment.

Do you ask your psych questions? And does she immediately ask you what you think it means? Classic therapy. Your psych probably would not take you down if you make a run for it, far too physical. She would just call your name and you would trot back meekly.

I have some good news to tell you. At the beginning of 2015 I discovered I had breast cancer. Had surgery, radiation, given medication. Meds were a disaster and led to further exploratory surgery with no result. So the radiation oncologist sent me to the medical oncologist to change meds and she sent me to the gynaecologist oncologist. I'm not sure but I don't think there are fifty shades of oncologist. Meanwhile I had my annual mammogram and was pronounced clear. Anyway more tests to check if I had endometrial cancer and surgery and finally last Monday I was pronounced free of cancer. Woohoo! It's been a long road.

Thinking about the question your psych asks. Do you deserve to be happy? Let me ask you a question. Do you deserve to be unhappy? I think no one deserves pain and suffering for no reason. If you drink yourself silly or smoke yourself to death, that's up to you. I remember discussing this with a group of people. My comment was we make our world and spoil it for each other. We get sick and hurt because of the actions of other people, actions often taken millennia ago. One of the guys summed it up thus, "If someone upstream pollutes the water, someone downstream gets sick." While it is an over simplification I believe it is essentially true.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

My apologies, I have worked and online chatted with youngsters so much I shorten a lot to internet slang. You may be familiar with the ever popular LOL = laugh out loud, maybe LMAO = Laughing my off, but ROFLOL is rolling on the floor laughing out loud. The top of the three.

Yes I represent the engineer joke, I know it well. The handicap is being better with things and machines than people, I would happily swap. I have been told that I have "the emotional intelligence of a lump of dog turd". That is not my harsh inner voice but a direct quote from a lady I cared about a lot.

Oh no, you have missed one of the great funny movies of our time. The Shrek movies are so full of adult humor, I think you might find you liked it. Clever, irreverent, very deep. I bet your granddaughter would love to sit with you one night and complete your education.

Yes I do ask questions and then she asks a harder one back all right, its a bit annoying isn't it. That whole being forced to answer your own questions business and then paying for it?!?! If I tried to escape I don't think it would come down to words. I tend to wither at the eyebrow lift, that is powerful right there if you know what I mean.

Wonderful news about your mammogram, well done you!! I'm so pleased for you. I love hearing stories like that.

The hard question, happiness. What price does happiness come at? If you have obligations doesn't other peoples happiness come first? My search of happiness would likely come at a price to my families lifestyle and happiness. I can't do that. I'm a mad SciFi fan and Spocks famous quote "the needs of the many, out weigh the needs of the few" comes into play. My happiness is not as important as the happiness of those I love.

I came from a very broken family, and I know the things my mother did to me were out of frustration from how life and my father treated her. And I know that my fathers behavior towards my mother was based on his upbringing and found out only a few years ago about my grandfathers sad childhood. That is not going to happen to a child of mine, the cycle stops with me. Period.

I need to figure out how to deal with things better, and feel better in myself.