Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,

Still here, far from better/fixed/happy/well/complete. Feels like I'm coming up to a long steep scary hill covered by cactus, or worse. Just been very busy hanging on for dear life in the cyclone.

Also hiding under bushes feeling sorry for myself, but that is a whole other story.

Hope your well and happy.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Glad you are back. These hills are the pits aren't they? Get to the top and admire the view, then roll all the way to the bottom. Life is a bit of a roller coaster but we manage mostly to stay at least half way up the hill,sometimes more, and sometimes being able to admire the view. Do you want to talk about what is happening in your life? It is good at times to talk, especially as the person you are speaking to would not know you if you were sitting together on a bus.

Hanging on is good, letting it out is better but only to those folk you want to talk to. I have spent a long time hiding and part of that reason is not realising what was holding me back. The past couple of years have had ups and owns, pretty much like everyone. The real triumph is realising that I am at last moving forward, facing my fears and managing despite them, or maybe because of them.

My life has had its sad bits but also much joy and happiness. We are an amazing race. We keep going and getting better and smarter. Sometimes I fear we will get too big for our boots and just disappear while at other times I am convinced we will find the way to live together. How about that for homemade philosophy?

Mouse, remember one day at a time and one foot after the other. Trite I know but accurate. I feel a bit lost at the moment because it seems I have lost track of you. I'm not sure where you are and I want to help you if I can. Please talk to me.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,

That name does conjure up a nice picture (like your avatar photo), there is something refreshing, clean and nice about white roses isn't there. I wish I drank or did drugs or whatever so I'd have an excuse for being away with the fairies. I will have to go with exhaustion for now.

Hi Beryl, I was very interested to read "therspy groups at a psych hospital and i do tms." Can I ask how you found the therapy groups, and what tms is please? A lot of what you said (Typed) sounded like my life.

I feel very humbled, you all seem like such a wonderful group of smart giving women who have been through so much. It is not my real world experience of dealing with women sadly.

I wish I had something to contribute, I'm just trying to get by without falling over right now.

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose (and all),

I actually feel that I've accomplished something by beating you back to this thread!! So I had to post while I have the chance 🙂 its the little goals that we need to cherish right? I think I have that on a therapy notes sheet someplace.

Still spinning about, so confused. I didn't think of it at the time, but women are cats and I am a mouse being played with. Just as soon as I think I'm making progress a soft fluffy paw bats me back into the pit of despair. Wah. Two weeks until therapy, I'm building a heck of a list.

I've been told the worst thing a woman can ever say twice this week, after helping two ladies with their issues both had called me "a nice guy". Rip my heart out and feed it to the dog please. I suppose you have to be a guy to understand how much that can hurt, especially if all you have ever been is a "nice guy". There needs to be a class for guys to get training in how to not be a "nice guy". When your lonely as hell it is the worst thing you can hear.

Is it just me that feels this way? I know I am not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I'm feeling very dim. Is there a prize for idiot of the year? I have to be a finalist by now.

[White_Rose]

Oh Mouse, I'm not sure if you are trying to make me laugh but you are succeeding. Not at you but with you. My excuse for not getting here first is that Friday morning I attend my exercise class and today I had a physio appointment afterwards. Still recovering from a hip operation, NOT a hip replacement which everyone assumes.

I doubt you would ever be a finalist, or even close, in idiot of the year. I was going to say you are a 'nice guy' but you may not speak to me again. I like nice guys. I enjoy talking with someone who is not trying to score points, be condescending and arrogant, use coarse language or tell lies. I'm sure I've missed a few traits but you can add the rest. I feel I do know what you mean by the nice guy tag. It has connotations of being ordinary, boring, slow etc. Well a person may have those characteristics and still not be a nice guy.

Yes, nice guys help old ladies across the road and the said ladies love it. Being a quiet person does not make you an idiot or any other derogatory term. Nice guys are the men women really want. Someone else may be excitement plus but the novelty wears off. So stand tall, shoulders back, smile and recognise your uniqueness (is that a word?) and all round good guy.

Loneliness can happen to anyone for all sorts of reasons. Unfortunately it won't go away by itself. BB have a couple of dedicated areas in this site which you may find useful. On the Home Page there is a banner near the top of the page. It has a number of topics. Click on Life Starts at Sixty. The picture above the banner will change and depict a cyclist. Click on the Learn More tab and go exploring. Back on the topics banner there is the Davo's Man Therapy with access as before. Click the arrow on the left of the banner and you will get more options. Try Mind Matters and Man Therapy. I keep forgetting about them (possibly because I am female) but they are good resources. Dial up and explore.

I don't know if Beryl will reply any time soon I will answer part of your query to her. TMS is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. I don't know much about it but there is plenty of information on the net. I think Beryl joined a therapy group through her psychologist or psychiatrist. If you are interested in being part of a group I suggest you talk with your therapist about this.

I expect you to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning and writing before I crawl out of bed.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,

Hopefully this is early enough that I win!! Awe you had to go say the old lady thing didn't you. Are you spying on me? I helped a poor old thing home from the shops in the wind last night, there was nothing of her and a good gust could have taken her to Longreach. That was just after I was giving comfort and fatherly advice to a stunning 20-something breaking up with her boyfriend. Don't get the wrong idea, I just felt sorry for her and she seems to have adopted me since she does not have a father. I really do wonder if her mum or probably gran are in relationships, I have not met them but sometimes you wonder. I really don't think though, that women really understand the effect they have on the weaker sex. Some of us anyway.

I do find it heartwarming helping people, one of the guys at work has commented that I am "flypaper for freaks" because all the "broke folks" beat a path to my door. I've even given relationship and career advice to HR managers I worked with. I feel the least qualified person on the planet to give advice about relationships. I should be arrested!!

It seems strange to be lonely in a marriage, I know I've failed miserably and caused a lot of hurt, but I've remained true to the vows for so long, now I really wonder.

I will go follow the links you suggest, but it seemed urgent to beat you out of bed to the thread. Thank you for giving help.

Have a lovely weekend and keep warm.

[White_Rose]

Mouse, your name says it all. Quiet, non-intrusive and always there when something is going on. I can imagine the old lady thing but just after I was giving comfort and fatherly advice to a stunning 20-something breaking up with her boyfriend. Come come now, that excuse went out with ark. (smile). And yes, you win.

My excuse is that I have had the company of my six year old granddaughter for two days and I am pooped. She has so much energy, it makes me tired to just watch. We had a good time though. Daina came to my exercise class and did colouring in while I sweated and groaned. Then she watched the physio practicing his torture chamber routine on me, complete with needles. I felt very much the gooseberry while the other two chatted together.

Then we bought jam doughnuts for morning tea. We also did some work on her scrapbook. She is making this to send to her other grandma in Scotland, or at least this was the idea. Not sure if she will want to let go when it's finished. Working on the scrapbook means she designs the page and I do the heavy lifting then she adds extra decoration. Actually I am quite impressed with her artistic ability. Daina went home last night but insisted she should stay until after tea because "Grandma is cooking sausages".

Nice guys also have a shoulder for all the broken people in his vicinity. If I can help someone in any way it makes me feel better about myself. I see you have written replies to a couple of other threads. This is also good for you (says grandma) because so many people have similar stories. Pooling your stories and coping mechanisms can give you a different perspective, different ideas about managing your life and more resources. I think it also helps your self esteem when you discover other people have similar problems. It's not just you who feels this way, and knowing this takes away the "it's my fault" feeling.

You've given advice to HR managers and they are not always open to this. It's great because it demonstrates your skills and abilities. More to the point, they come back for more. I should be arrested!! Why? I thought nice guys did not get into trouble. Can't have it both ways. You cannot be feeble-minded, which you effectively keep saying, and give help and advice to all and sundry knowing that the sundries want and appreciate your assistance. I forgive you only because this is what I have been saying for a long time. Still do on occasions and yes I do get told off.

Jolly cold this morning.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I'm not sure what you mean by excuse? I assure you I take it very seriously and the trust they all show coming to me with their problems is very important to me. I do seriously wonder about some of their "first world" issues but the problems are very real to them. I am the same way, I know some people would think I have a wonderful life but I feel tortured every day. This is a big issue with my wife and rather than understand she often chooses to shame me in front of other people and throw verbal barbs at me, as if I needed more reasons to feel less of myself. She says I have a wonderful life and need to snap out of it (depression) yet she suffers from depression and I don't treat her the way she treats me.

The one thing I seem to have done right in my life is have a great relationship with my daughter. She is such a wonderful, smart, funny, irreverent, together young lady. And she truly loves her broken down wreck of a dad in spite of all his weaknesses. She is the reason I'm still here and will hang on to the very last breath fighting.

Sorry, have to be quick. My battery is dying!!

[QldMouse]

Darn it, meant to say a very big thank you for your ongoing kind words. Enjoyed hearing about your granddaughter, I would love grandkids in my future. That is so wonderful, you must be such a great fun gandma.

Yes, it is freezing all right. Nice isn't it?! I love winter such as we get it in QLD.

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,

I have such a strong impression of your morning tea, scones with jam and cream put in an appearance I hope. So nice on a less than warm day.

Your comments about "nice guys" are still bouncing around in the vacuum I call a head. I think I am ripping my own heart out and feeding it through that roller thing that used to be on old washing machines. I got my hand stuck in one when I was young, most people reading this won't have a clue what I'm talking about. 🙂

That roller really hurt, so does this. I hear what your saying, but that is not what happens at all. Nice women all seem to go for jerks and non-nice guys. It is the way the world works, always has. The old line "nice guys finish last" is there for a reason. I wish I was not so nice, I really wish I had the courage to be bad. You have no idea.

Miss 20-something dropped a clanger, its not a boyfriend she's dumping but a husband. She kept that quiet, none of us knew she was married. You never get the whole story do you. She seems pretty determined that its over so more power to her.

For my part I looked at the bloke links you pointed me at, I must admit that "bloke" rubbish gets my back up, but I went thru it. I think I failed the quiz, made an alarm or flare go off someplace, but it is all what I have been over in therapy.

I lack the motivation/interest, I have my own energy crisis and need a wee pill of instant joy-joy, motivation, and energy. I need to find a pot of gatoraide gold at the end of the rainbow.

Hope your week is off to a lovely start and you have recovered from your granddaughter 🙂