Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

QldMouse · ‎03-06-2016

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

White_Rose · ‎17-06-2016

My Dear Mouse

So sad to read your last post. You may not believe this but I was there 15 years ago. I have not always been the outgoing sort of person you think. I was very shy, reluctant to do anything outside the home and convinced of my total unworthiness. I started to gain weight, and unfortunately that's still with me. My salvation was to get a job. At first almost any job but I started to learn what skills I had but hadn't recognised. It was an amazing journey to self confidence. But it took until I had the strength to leave my husband to really 'find' myself. That was another awesome journey. Sorry I can't help picking up the children's slang.

I was severely depressed for a long time and at the beginning I attempted suicide. I don't say this much because I am unhappy about it. I feel sick every time I remember. Living on my own is not a recipe for getting well easily. On my bad days I would walk all over the place, just to be out of the house. In hospital twice. Obviously I was younger then and had more energy or determination and I survived. Nothing interested me except my job. It was good that I had returned to the workforce because I had the means to support myself.

It was a bad time but I got through it. Working had allowed me to be able to talk to people in a fairly natural fashion. I think what helped was I found people listened to what I said instead of brushing off my comments as silly, which is what my husband did. You have no idea how it felt to have a suggestion of mine discussed seriously and accepted. I kept looking for the catch, but there was none.

I do my volunteer work because I believe in social justice and it gives me a good feeling to do it. You cannot do a job you do not believe in. I see other people doing amazing jobs and I wish I had the opportunity and knowledge to do more earlier in my life. But I didn't and I will never know how different my life would have been if I had turned left instead of right. And that's the point.

I've made my share of mistakes and I wish I had not. All I can do about them is learn not to do it again. I am privileged to work with people who make a huge difference in the world, while I run round the edges doing what I can. My church life is important to me.

Mouse you can do all that I did. I have written about bits of my life to hopefully say you can do this as well. Almost out of words.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎17-06-2016

It's me again Mouse. I had a fright when I posted the above comment because I thought it had been lost and I am not sure I could have written it again.

I collect poetry and stories, prayers and other inspirational pieces and put them on my kitchen wall. This one I found a couple of years ago. I hope you like it.

You Learn
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn.
And kisses aren't compromises. And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman or a
man not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your loads on today, Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask too much.
So you plant your own garden And decorate your own soul Instead of waiting for someone to buy you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn.
And you learn.
With every experience you learn. (Anonymous)

I do hope you enjoy this and that it helps you take another step on your journey.

Mary

QldMouse · ‎20-06-2016

Hi Mary,

Sorry about the saddening post, it was quite a shock to me that after all the time I've spent helping this guy he didn't have even thirty minutes for me when I really needed it. I was really hurt by that.

I've had time to sleep on it now, in fact that is all I did most of the weekend, just really tired and spent most of it in bed.

Amazingly I made it out of bed this morning, and still hanging in there.

Thank you for your comments, I'll need to re-read them so they sink in and get back to you.

White_Rose · ‎20-06-2016

Hello Mouse

So pleased to hear from you again. If you slept all weekend you probably needed it. The psychologist I used to see was forever telling me to listen to my body. At first I wasn't sure what he meant but I did learn. So, listen to your body.

It is a shock to find someone you believed in turns away from you when you need them most. And the most usual reaction is to ask yourself what you did wrong. Probably nothing. Everyone has their good and bad days, so maybe this was a bad day for your friend. There is a core of selfish in all of us which can also be described as self preservation. When we are in bad way ourselves it can be hard to listen to the troubles of other people. People like you can put aside these other feelings for the sake of those you care about and make space for them to be heard. It appears your friend cannot do this.

Keep hanging on and I hope you can talk soon.

Mary

Beryl · ‎21-06-2016

Hi white rose, my beautiful bloom, and qld mouse, i have been extra busy for ages now and havnt been up to logging in but here i am! Ive had decades ofloneliness, depression, ptsd and great drifts of anxiety scattered through that. I can think of at least 35 years of my life that have been ripped off me through mental illness. I grieved my lost self and got eaten up by the unfairness of it all. But there is hope! When you find out what avenue of therapy works for you (and ive tried heaps) you can begin to build again, yes you can. Theres not much room here so ill cram it in a nutshell,i found a good psych, got the right drugs, joined therspy groups at a psych hospital and i do tms. It took me years of searching and suffering to get that in place and im still working on me. The best bit is im building and moving foreward. At last im growing again as a person and becoming resilient and whole enough to not be so vunerable to other peoples shortcomings. Theres a person inside of you waiting for you to connect to them and love them with all your heart. Its yourself and somewhere along your journey you got seperated and that other you pines to be made whole again. It can be done. Its hard work, its uphill but its oh so worth it when you claw your way up and over that mountain and then the brilliant sun shines on your face again, for the first time in what seems a hundred years. I did it, you can do it. I know you can, you are a beautiful valuable talented person and your even stronger than you ever thought. So be kind and loving to your inner being, love it, care for it,nurture it, become one with it again and then you can steer your ship foreward with confidence and self reliance. It can be done. Ive beento the darkest place ever for a long long time and im back . Ive changed my life goals for new ones and im going to have a good time fore the rest of my life. Depression and all that goes with it ate a lot of my life but its not getting any more, the rest is MINE! Love and friendship, hugs and understanding always Beryl xxxxxxxxxxx. Ps, ive missed you white rose xx

Guest_1055 · ‎21-06-2016

Hi there dear Beryl

You don't know me, and I think you are the same Beryl that I read about that lived in a bubble. If you are that same Beryl, well I just want to thank you, because by reading something you wrote, it encouraged me to write my very first post on Beyond Blue.

So a very grateful thanks to you dear Beryl! Bless you.

In Kindness

Shell xx

QldMouse · ‎22-06-2016

Hi White Rose,

Thank you for sharing your story, I does give me hope. I am so sorry for all you have been through, I feel so sorry for women in abusive situations and so sad. Can apologize for my gender?, some of us are absolute a-holes and I certainly understand how women feel, and worse the poor children affected. For a few years I was one of those kids, it really does affect you. I try and support the causes I see financially, although I wish there was more support for men even though we are far fewer. But I understand. At least in my adult life it has not been physical abuse that was the problem, but my wife and I have hurt each other deeply in other ways.

These last few days have been a rollercoaster, I dare not hope where it is going, but I do hope that we have hit rock bottom and are on our way up.

Thank you for your kind words, it is amazingly uplifting to know there are some lovely people left in the world. Maybe I'll find the courage to go out and find some eventually.

All the best.

White_Rose · ‎22-06-2016

Dear Shelley

Yes, this is the same Beryl who wrote the inspiring words to you. I remember your post introducing yourself to BB and commenting Beryl's post. I have often wanted to get you two lovely people together as I think you will have heaps to say to each other.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎22-06-2016

Dear Beryl

You cannot imagine the joy of receiving a post from you again. I have thought about you many times and wondered what was happening in your life. I am absolutely delighted to know you have found a path home. Your writing is as expressive as ever, great drifts of anxiety scattered through. Yes, that is so true for all of us and describes the experience so accurately. I have missed you and your wonderful word pictures.

While we were having our conversation I could see you were moving forward inch by inch. Yes, a long hard path for you and all who struggle with mental illness, but how great to know you are winning the battle. I'm not sure whether your words of hope were meant for me or Mouse, so I will presume you were talking to both of us. Thank you, it's means a great deal to me at the moment as there are a few hiccups in my life.

Are you thinking of starting a thread of your own or will you be writing those words of wisdom to others? Or both? I am so pleased you have found your way to live your own life with joy and happiness. How is your son? I know he is the joy of your life so I hope your new-found happiness has him right in the centre.

I have started a new volunteer role in Pastoral Care. I was asked if I was interested two years ago but felt the time was not right. So I started this role a short while ago. And it is a such a positive in my life.

So great to hear from you. Please keep in touch.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎22-06-2016

Dear Mouse

I was beginning to think you had deserted us. So good you written in again. There are ads on TV about stopping abuse towards women. At the moment they concentrate on physical violence which is deplorable, the violence not the ad. I hope this will be followed by depicting the dreadful emotional and sexual abuse experienced by so many women, though I am unsure how this could be done without traumatizing the audience.

There is no need for apology Mouse, but thank you for the offer. This does not apply to all men and in fairness there are women who abuse their partners in dreadful ways. It's less known, especially as men would also face ridicule from other men if it were known they were bullied by their partners. Maybe we will get to that next.

Yes, children do get the short end of the stick in these families and as you say, they carry the scars for life. The results are exactly as you have experienced in your life. You can grow up and get away from the abuse but it remains in your heart and head and can poison the best of relationships. I hope you and your wife and mend your relationships. Remember you can ask for help from BB any time. There is counselling available from organisations such as Relationships Australia.

I get the impression you may not be writing in again. Is this correct? It is up to you of course, but I will keep an eye out for your posts. However, if you are intending to stay I will be enormously pleased. Talk to the lovely people here while you explore the world 'out there'. Sometimes you need a lifeline to hang on to.

Mary