Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[There]

Hey rhes,

yep there with ya. I think I’m 2 months ahead of you in break up terms but still struggling. I know what you mean with working out the lies after the fact and it makes you question everything about the relationship. How do you feel like you’re failing at life?

I’ve been trying to look for the things that make me happy that he would never do. Or the things about him that really upset me. That’s been helping. I’m thinking that when you leave you’ll have lots to distract you. Are you working OS? How long till you leave?

Processing all this stuff is the WORST. The worst part about it is if he wanted me back I’d seriously consider it. Although he always says he never goes back 😕

J x

[Guest_1584]

Well , it looks like l'll be joining you guys again.

The gf thing isn't gonna work out. Thank God l found out now though b4 l spent all the money and time going over there, all l can say is just thank God.

l dunno how much people can change , do you , really ? She's been close to a dream come true for 3wks now but she blew up in the end again.That's how it tends to go with her but l'd hoped she was coming good and l made lots of changes myself too in handling things. lt really looked like we were getting somewhere for awhile there too. lt's always been like that with her though butttttt, l did hope we were over it this time, afraid not.

The explosion just comes back double because of the good behavior being over a longer period and unfortunately it's 110% clear now there's not a damn thing we can do about it.

[Rhes]

Hi Random and J, how are you both? It’s really good to have you both to talk to and I hope you’re having some nice times and some breakthroughs during the bad.
Random, just re-reading over your experiences with your gf. I’m sorry you think it’s over for good this time, it scks to have your hopes dashed like that. Particularly after you’ve put in a lot of effort. It sounds like she’s not travelling well mentally. That’s a tough challenge to take on, unless she’s willing to help herself also. I realised this with my ex, that he was quite depressed and taking it out on me. I think people have to deal with their depression themselves, it can be too difficult for a partner to take the burden. I was trying to help him and realised he really was taking advantage of me. And then finding out he’d been mooning over another who I’m sure he wouldn’t show his depressive side to. It’s all too much. We do have to look after ourselves, it’s very important.

J, I’m leaving on Monday. Hopefully I can access this site outside oz, I’ll have to see. And yeah I’m hoping new faces and places will take my mind of it. I’m doing a 10 day silence meditation retreat in Vietnam. Certainly a challenge for letting go of repetitive thought patterns about this stuff! I’m looking forward to it even though it’ll be tough. I’m trying to get into some voluntourism places as they provide accommodation for volunteer work. When I left to live in NZ with him I was really looking forward to leaving oz. I still have those feelings so I’ll try to stick with them. I do love here, love my friends, but I need a challenge.

I’m glad you’re looking at different ways to get joy out of life again. That is so true, you had joy before he came into your life, you had your own identity. You seem like a really upbeat and optimistic person, that’s your strength and your gifts. Imagine how amazing you’d be to a friend who’s going through the same thing (well like us on here), you’d be so supportive, this is a gift in itself 🙂 this goes out to both you and Random.
Positive thoughts coming ya way,
Rhes

[There]

Hey Rx,

Im so sorry to hear that. I really am. At least you know now but you never know what is going to happen in the future. Maybe you both just need some time spent alone to truly work on yourselves?

It sounds like you both have been working on things and maybe you both need space just to work out what you truly want?

I think people can change, if they truly want to change but they need to do it for themselves not for someone else.

How are you feeling?

Please post whenever and whatever you’re feeling. We are here for you.

J x

[There]

Hey Rhes,

Wow, that sounds amazing, a 10 silence meditation retreat should really get you processing a lot and get good thoughts a lots of positivity happening. Bit jealous actually! How have you been going? It sounds like this trip couldn’t come at a better time. New places, new people, new experiences.

I hope you can access this site outside Oz. It’s been lovely having your thoughts and comments here. Thank you so much for your kind words. I like to think I’m optomistic and see the best in people. Sucks when those people take advantage. Makes me feel like a bit of a doormat really.

J x

[There]

Having a bit of a crappy day today. Missing Mr. M 😞 why did he do this? Why can’t he see that we would’ve had an amazing future together?

[Guest_1584]

Ahh j , wish l knew . l never get how one can see that future but the other ones oblivious to it,

And thanks too j for that. Unfortunately via word , she only acknowledges tiny things but she does act on some of the bigger ones. Not usually her implosions though, they never happened haha.

Sadly we've been apart 4mths so that ain't the answer but maybe a few days we've been so full on , could clear the air , not sure , see what happens.

Eh rhes and thanks for that too , your trip sounds cool good luck with that.

Really no clue if we're done or what tbh , bit soon really. l felt pretty damn done last night let me tell ya but yaknow, we mellow up again in this sitch. God only knows. Miss her like hell but a smarter guy might keep on walkin though tbh. Because yeah , your spot on, it's a lot to take on and deal with. trouble is she's not just anyone , and l couldn't really see myself interested in someone else ever now buttttt, it is a lot non the less yeah.

We've been goin really well and fun,,, well we won't go there but l dunno , l've noticed a pattern and payback always comes down the track . 3 or 4 wks is her limit absolute , she's just gotta pop at that stage. l suppose l could take of every 3 wks eh , come home when the dusts settled haha.

Hey babe , l'm homeeeee, how ya feelin ,,, coast clear . Nah , think she save it for me.

[Rhes]

Hi J, I’m sorry you’ve having a crappy day. Asking yourself unanswered questions is torturous. Can I suggest something? I hope it’s not too full on.

Do you think if he could answer you, would you honestly believe his answer? Could you believe anything the guy says, at any time, any more? If you met him under different circumstances, a stranger on a train say, and he told the story of your relationship - how he met a woman, left her, that he left her for another woman he was having an affair with, his opinion of her (hearing some men describe their exes is not pleasant), I’m sure you would think - wow, poor woman and who the hell is this creep!

To have an outsiders eye view of the whole thing, it’s something I’ve been working on. It’s left me with feeling a bit foolish for not seeing what a liar he was, but I’m forgiving myself for that. And I also keep in mind all the many many women who have come before me, who’ve felt this way because of him, confused and heartbroken because they were tricked. I imagine getting together with all those women and having a very thereupeutic discussion indeed! You cannot believe the accounts that liars give you about their exes. They alway look like the good guy in THAT story (I wish we had emojis, I ‘d be using the eye roll one :D).

And my feelings of foolishness suddenly don’t seem like heartbreak anymore, just sadness about a mistake and hoping to learn better for next time. Dusting myself off. Unfortunately I’ve had a pattern of this for so very very long, choosing psychopathic lying guys (my mother is a psychopath, it’s done a lot of damage on my self esteem) so while it’s not good, I do think with all the practice, I’ve learned a few things. I don’t ever want it to happen again and it’s time to look after myself better.

I really hope you’re feeling better today and my thoughts are with you. Also to anyone else reading, hope you’re doing better also.
Hugs Rhes

[Ruby3]

Hi J and Rx

have had a really bad time lately, ex husband is being vindictive, lost friends to him (how can anyone support him) and battling custody. I haven’t felt like talking much but wanted to hop on quickly and let you guys know that I’m thinking of you. Wish I knew you in real life. I’d give you the biggest hug.

nikki x

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Thanks for letting us know where you’re at. I’ve been thinking of you. I’m sorry you’ve been having a really crappy time. I wish I knew you in real life too, I’d love to give you a hug and some support face to face. We are here for you anytime you need.

Im sorry you’ve lost friends. I’m not sure how people can support someone who has lied and cheated. I guess they spin the same lies and try and make themselves look good.

J x