Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[There]

Hey Rx,

Hope you’ve had a good weekend.

Well knowing he’s with someone else helped me a bit but I keep thinking we were better than what they have. How can he think what they have is better than what we had? I dunno Rx. Just don’t know.

Yeah I get where you’re coming from. You’d get over there or she’d come over here and you’d have a fun and great time for sure but you probs wouldn’t talk about what you needed to. I can understand wanting to know where you’re at before taking the trip. Smart move. You’re a smart guy!

Nikki you ok? How are you? I hope you’re doing ok.

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi j and rx,

sorry ive not been on here much. Been struggling badly last few days. Can’t seem to move on. I hate him but I love him.

Found out friends of ours who swore they hated him have been hanging out with him again but ignoring my messages. Just hurts as one of them was the man who called the ambulance for me the night I tried to take my life. How can he just go back to being his friend??

I know I’ll move on eventually. But he was my whole life. We have a child together. A constant reminder of what I’ve lost.

I love my son to bits but it’s all very overwhelming at the moment.

Nikki x

[There]

Hey Nikki,

Thats ok, just wanted to know how you were going. I feel like you were doing ok and you’ve taken a few steps back. Do you feel like that? How do you think that’s been happening?

There’s no excuse for your friends doing that. I don’t see why our ex’s still get everything they want and we are left behind? It’s not fair and you know sometimes I just feel like I want to be a toddler and throw a tantrum. If you don’t want to be his friend then don’t. Look after you. I know this is another layer of hurt.

I don’t know how you move on... I wish I knew because I’m there with you. How’s your son been going? I know you said it’s overwhelming but i hope you’re getting some relief and you time. I think there’s a balance needed there.

I really wish I could be more helpful Nikki but please say what you need to here, no judgement you’re in a safe place.

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hi guys.

First up that's ok nikki you just do what you need to. That friends thing is terrible, all of our went with ex w, started completely new. So sorry about your son and those things too yep , same with my daughter as much as l love her of course and non of it's her fault eithre of course.l really wish l had something helpful to say , must be so hard, bad enough splittng with no kids involved , l know. We're here for ya . There's a lot of help lines and free counseling , l reckon you should make the most of them , sorry of you are already , can't remember. Take care nikki.

Hey J , and ahh thanks for that. She's just in self preservation mode is all l get it and l know she needs to know she can trust me and this and that's gonna take time , she shows a lot be there's things l need too . Such a shame we weren't just local we could be just doing our thing and see how we go and there'd be nothing big buttt , tis what it is eh. We see l guess.

How you goin today , how was your wkend. Weird one here , we had a storm and fires all through the area. Mostly out now thank god but that was mine this weekend, couldn't do much. hope you've been ok and we're around to listen ok.

Take care too.

rx

[There]

Hey guys,

Rx is onto something there. Use the hotlines and even the chat feature on here is good. I have 2 psychologists, I find it helps.

I guess it’s just time Rx. Which sucks big time. It’s the waiting that kills you. At least you have an open line of communication happening. I’m glad those fires are done, that was pretty crazy! Glad you’re ok.

Me well... I had a busy weekend which helped. Although I’m sitting here in my car crying. I just want this to stop. I hate this feeling of wanting him back, wondering what he’s doing. Trying to live my life without him sucks and I think what hurts the most is he’s fine living his life without me, he doesn’t care.

J x

[Rhes]

J, I wish you could get this message in real time. Or be able to give you a hug in person. It’s so awful to do that crying in the car thing and so much wondering also. I’ve done my fair share of crying and it’s not fun but it’s necessary to grieve and not hold it all in. I know that doesn’t make it any easier. If you can manage to hold your head up high because you’ve done nothing wrong and you seem like an awesomely strong woman. The opinions of others, including his, don’t matter. You own your soul and your feelings and your story in all this. And he’s a mixed up piece of goods to have to jump frog from one woman to another. Sorry to sound harsh, but that’s no way to live. You’re doing the best thing possible by grieving and seeking help. Thank you for your supportive words to me also, they really mean a lot.
Big hugs and love to you J

[Guest_1584]

Hi J and Rhes.

Rhes is right J and you hang in there ok,

Yaknow they say too that they laugh and act all happy wappy convering up the guilt and self shame,, so l wouldn't take too much notice. l saw it in mine too. But meanwhile she was in depression and debt and life was a mess soooo, try not to think it of it as it looks because it's probably not how it really is.

Hope your a bit better today.

rx

[There]

Hey guys,

Thanks for your words Rhes, I too wish this was a bit more instant time. I don’t think you were harsh in what you’ve said. I guess I don’t really know the type of person he truly is. Which is hard for me to understand because I couldn’t think of living any other way than being myself and honest about my life. I don’t know how people do it. How are you doing?

Rx - thanks, I think that probably is true and maybe it was true when he was with me? He wasn’t honest from the beginning though so, I dunno. I just wish he was who he said he was. I hate this.

how are you doing?

J x

[There]

The thread has moved.

[Rhes]

I really hope you’re feeling better. It feels like 2 steps forward one step back sometimes hey? I think I’m going backwards and right before I go overseas is a bit of a worry. I just feel like I’m failing at life and relationships and the whole kit and kaboodle. I know it’s just the self doubt that comes about when someone betrays our trust. Just wish I could shake it. It was easier when I was angry about it, now I’ve gone into some kind of acceptance stage but man it’s twice as depressing! This guy had so many deceptive things going on with me the whole time that I’m starting to work out and process and question this and that, ugh it’s exhausting. Have to do the processing work I guess.